Am I ready to talk to him?

[Doglover99]

Ok, so it’s been a few weeks now since I’ve been out and it’s gone so quickly. I have been busy sorting our new flat out which is still work in progress but we’re slowly getting there. I haven’t spoken with my husband since I left, he’s left me alone except for a few emails so I’m grateful for that at least, he hasn’t kept phoning or texting me. Someone must have advised him to give me time. Over the last week I have received a few private number calls and when I answer they put the phone down so it may be him. Anyway, he’s angry over the way I did it, i.e. not saying anything and just leaving without talking to him about it. He says I should have spoken to him months ago and we could have sorted things out. Well, we know that wouldn’t have been a good idea because it may have made things worse for me and my son.

I can’t put off not talking to him forever and I am wondering if I should suggest meeting up somewhere to talk. He wants to talk. I know it won’t change anything but it might give me some closure and for him, I could explain properly why we had to leave, maybe suggest some books for him to read about his behaviour to make him understand. I feel that I’m being really cruel for not giving him the chance for us to talk things through.

What do you think I should do? He hasn’t demanded I see him, just that I should contact him if/when I want to talk. He has been angry though and most of his emails have been very late at night when he’s obviously been drinking.

I am dying to see my dogs as well and if I try to keep things amicable, there is a chance he might let me see them. He doesn’t know where we live and I want to keep it that way. My son has seen him in town a couple of times and his first instinct was to run so he’s obviously worried about bumping into him.

Any advice ladies? I kind of want to get the first meeting out of the way but not sure how I would feel after. I am feeling strong and I enjoy our new life even though it hasn’t really started properly yet. I have no intention of going back but I am worried that it would make me feel upset, sad and guilty again. But it’s at the back of my mind, knowing that I do need to have that talk with him at some stage, is it better to do it now and get it out of the way and then just deal with the aftermath?

[Confused123]

HI Hun

NIce to hear u feeling so strong and clearly u coping well. just thinking how to advise you, i think we all deal with our abusers in different ways,only you know when will be the right time, and your right you do need closure on these men, i agree that if u decide to meet him def let it be in a public place, have your answers pre ready in your head, as to the things he is throwing at you, we could of spoken and you didnt need to leave the way you did, yes you did, i dont think he would of listen and you need to point out how difficult he was and how he did makes yours and your child life hell, dont expect an apology, no doubt he will just go off in one after being calm for few minutes. We all seek answers from them and most of time get no answers just blame but again like u said its something we just have to do, we are after answers and want to come out of this denial we are in. Just dont agree to give it another go , say your bit and if he becomes abusive walk away . It odes unsettle us after seeing them , but again the positive is it is part of our recovery and makes us realize we made the right choice . Are you have any luck getting your son in school

[Hopesprings]

I would say don’t meet him.

I was like you and wanted closure and arranged to meet public place etc but I got no closure and he didn’t leave me alone after that.

I can’t tell you how things will work out for you but if you can stay away and ignore him I would. I don’t have any pets so don’t know what that would be like to not see your dogs but you could arrange to see them through a third party?

Whatever you do just stay safe xx

[newlife2015]

I would probably advise against meeting him, especially as it has only been a few weeks – remember why you left – I have fallen for this trap a few times and he just gets into my head emotionally and makes me feel guilty for leaving etc – it has definitely delayed my recovery – the least contact the better – as you know they have a way of twisting any conversation. If you do meet him, meet him with someone else there if this is possible? Stay safe x

[Ayanna]

Do not meet him. Send him the divorce papers. x*x

[KIP.]

I would say don’t meet him. You will never never get closure from him and he will thrive on the meeting and you will leave feeling totally deflated. I know it’s hard but you have to give up on the dogs or get a third party to rehome them. They will be his bargaining chip. No contact no contact no contact. See a solicitor and get things started❤️

[Serenity]

Don’t meet him. He will try to use it to his advantage – to distress and weaken you.

His apparent nonchalant attitude – ‘call me if and when you are ready to’- is fake. Really, he is planning how he will execute a plan to upset you and manipulate you when he meets up with you.x*x

[Serenity]

Ayanna is spot on in her response.

[Falling Skys]

Hi DL99

Please don’t see him, they are such mind players. It’s early days and though you feel strong he will suck that out of you.

Stay strong and good luck what ever you decide.

FS xx

[Doglover99]

Thank you for your replies. I will take your advice on board and won’t meet with him, not yet anyway. Although I feel strong now, it may be because I haven’t had to speak to him or see him. It may well put me back if I see him now and I don’t want to feel like I did the first week, the guilt was really bad. I will give it more time, especially since he’s not demanding I see him.

As to my son’s school, no luck there I’m afraid. He tried it a few weeks ago and had a massive panic attack there (I may have already said this). I had a meeting with the council’s attendance officer and they pushed him, pleaded with him to go to school and he got visibly agitated and stormed out of the meeting. He won’t go back to school, that’s obvious and I can only push him so much. The school seems to be willing for him to sit his exams there so I need to get him to do work at home although he doesn’t want to do anything at the moment. He doesn’t seem to care and more I push it, the more he goes the opposite way so I have to tread carefully with him.

Unfortunately he still keeps seeing these friends who are older than him, with no jobs or proper education, and I think all he sees is their freedom to do as they please. He has no idea of the real world, how much things cost, so in one way he’s still a child although it other ways he appears older than he is.

I have come to the conclusion that the most important thing , the only thing really, I can do is to be there for him no matter what he gets up to, school or no school, and try to encourage him (without nagging) to start doing some work towards his exams. He is definitely after more freedom and I have had to accept that, although I do ask that he lets me know he’s safe. I may not like what some of his friends do (or don’t do) but I can’t keep him away from them without pushing him away so all I can do is be there for him when he needs me.

I realise now that I should have been stricter with him when he was younger but in a way I must have over compensated for my husband’s cruelty and control by being soft with him. Now he’s bigger than me, nearly an adult, I can’t start putting the boundaries in place now where they didn’t exist before. Ultimately we have a very good relationship, even despite everything we’ve gone through, and I intend to keep it that way.

[Hopesprings]

Well done on coming to the decision not to see him, although the way you are talking it sounds like if he was demanding you saw him you’d consider it. Let him demand but don’t go running. You’re in control of your actions now and don’t need to say how high because he says jump. The longer you’re away the stronger you’ll become. Good luck and keep posting xx

[Author]

Posts