Am I really being abused?

[Oneproudmama]

Hi everyone.
Totally new to this so forgive me!
I’ve been told for years that I’m being abused by my husband by family and friends. He knows that not many of my nearest and dearest like him and he claims it’s because I s**g him off behind his back!
Both my parents have passed away (detail removed by moderator and they expressed several times they were not happy with the treatment I get from him.
He will slyly make comments like “isn’t it true what they say that ugly parents make pretty babies?”
“When we got together you were chubby, then lost it all and now it’s all gone back on”
His favourite things are
“You don’t give me enough sex”
“You clean too much”
“You’re not hard enough on the kids”
“You don’t respect me enough”

He hasn’t ever been really physically aggressive towards me other than the odd shove or grab but when my kids were smaller he’d smack them so hard he’d leave hand marks on them. I feel like a pathetic failure for allowing him to carry on doing this.
(detail removed by moderator)
He’s smashed doors in, thrown furniture at me and used to beat his own dog up. We have a family dog now but he’s never touched him?
I had to look after my father before he died which meant he watched the kids a lot and throws it back in my face! His working but hasn’t given me any money for over a year so I have to manage on my child benefit, tax credit and our sons disability allowance. We’ve only had sex once since our daughters birth as I feel I can’t be close to him because of the way he treats me? When we were having sex he’d demand it and even if I didn’t want it I’d have to do it or he’d get moody. He does things in the bedroom I really don’t like and when I say I’m not happy with it he says I’m frigid and other women would be happy to do it. I found 4 separate profiles on casual section websites that he’d set up but he says he was watching normal porn and they set it up?
Me and the kids are constantly walking on eggshells scared to say or do something that will make him fly off the handle? He has very n**********c tendencies. I’ve begged him to get help and once after he’d left he promised to get help but moved back in and don’t bother. He says I need help with my lack of wax drive and cleaning compulsion? He just makes me feel so worthless? He always says if I ever find out you’ve cheated I’ll cut your c##t out and feed it to you” even though I have no social life and never go out!!
He says if he leaves he’s taking everything and leaving me with nothing? Council have said as it’s a joint tenancy I can’t throw him out and I’m scared he’ll make my life hell if I force him out? Keep thinking is this abuse or am I overplaying it? (detail removed by moderator)

[confusedallofthetime]

This is abuse. EVERYTHING above is abuse. I don’t know about the Council’s statement re not being able to throw him out but please, call women’s aid or your local domestic abuse helpline

[Oneproudmama]

I’m so scared that I’d i escalate things it will make it worse? I’m also worried that the kids will resent me for throwing their dad out. They are picking up on it. (detail removed by moderator)
I try not to cry in front of the kids. Whenever I confront him on his behaviour he always says I’m making it out to be worse than it is? It makes me question whether I’m over reacting? He always turns it around on me. Everyone says I’m a brilliant mum and the kids are lovely but he tells me “you’re not bringing them up you’re dragging them up”.
They hate it when he screams and shouts and will cry but if I say I’m throwing him out they beg me not to? He’ll often deny things I bring up with him and make them out to be not as bad or justify what he’s done? It makes me question my own sanity?

[confusedallofthetime]

he sounds like a more progressed version of my partner. The questioning your own sanity is gaslighting – it’s a common tactic of abusers.

God. Why is it so much easier to see when it’s other people’s situations, when my own is so muddy???

The one thing I’m telling myself over and over is ‘Do I want my kids to think this is normal?’. I have (detail removed by moderator) they’re from a previous relationship. They’re very, very observant and more resilient than we give them credit for.

[Oneproudmama]

All of the 9 kids we have together and none with anyone else?
Our 2 eldest are (detail removed by moderator) and they beg me to throw him out all of the time!
He stonewalls me. If we argue he can literally go weeks giving me the silent treatment. He makes me feel like everything is my fault.
He shouted at me infront of everyone at my dads funeral (detail removed by moderator). I was so embarrassed. Our son has autism and he has no patience with him. When my aunt saw him shouting at our son she stepped in and now he says she’s not allowed anywhere near any of our kids! She called(detail removed) and said I used to be so bubbly and outgoing and I’ve become constantly anxious and quiet and the family are worried.
If I saw one of my friends enduring this treatment I’d tell them to run a mile and don’t look back but can’t seem to imagine life on my own after (detail removed) years?
Even his own friends have said I could do so much better and they can’t see what I see in him?

[Oneproudmama]

Feeling low and useless again. Cooked ham egg and chips for dinner. He came in after we’d eaten so I cooked his separately and I left the eggs on the side.
He came into the kitchen and asked where our son was?
I replied outside putting something in the bin.
Our daughter said “no he’s not he’s outside breaking an egg”
He completely lost it, shouted at him, smacked him on the back of the head as he came in and then said “ as usual I’ve had to do the discipline as you haven’t bothered”
I replied that I honestly thought he was just putting something in the bin and he called me a liar basically and said I’d known what he was doing as he ‘must have walked past me with the egg in his hand’. He then claimed it was only a tap on the head. Fair enough it wasn’t a hard hit but any ‘tap’ at all is too much in my opinion?
Then he had a go at me again because the same child burst our daughters birthday balloon from last week and I hadn’t punished him.
I just feel like I honestly can’t do any right and he constantly makes me out to be a bad mum. I’ve gone on a depressive mood again now and don’t want to talk to anyone. He makes me feel totally worthless. Why couldn’t he have praised me for the fact that I’d bathed the kids, done the washing, cleaned the house, got everyone’s uniforms ready for the morning, been shopping, fed the pets and cooked everyone dinner before he’d got home? All he did was focus on the 2 bad things that happened after he’d got in?
Is it normal for them to always focus on the negative and never praise at all? Is it part of their tactic to put us down? Don’t understand why he has to be so mean when he’s literally just walked in the door?

[Anonymous]

Yes darling you and you’re children are being abused. Walking on eggshells is not good for you or your children, you should all be relaxed and happy together. I know your in a difficult situation with the Council, but you need to speak to somebody and regain a happy status quo as you must be miserable.i had to give up my home as it was not safe to stay,but the council evicted my ex as we weren’t joint tenants, if you have to leave so be it, you will start again, bricks and mortar are nothing compared to you and your kids being safe, happy and at peace xx

[Author]

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