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I’ve been with my partner for many years. A few years into our relationship he raped me. We’ve never really spoken about it since that day. The effects are only just hitting me now. Am I being selfish to leave him and break up the family? In many respects he is a kind and caring man. I don’t want to lose my children. But I feel I’ve already lost myself.
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Hi Pat-a-cake,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
You’re not selfish to leave. You need to do what’s right for you and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable.
As Hereforhelp has suggested, you might find it helpful to speak with Rape Crisis who support anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual violence at any point in their life. They have a 24/7 confidential helpline and online chat where you can speak to a specialist operator.
You haven’t mentioned if there is other abuse as well from you partner, but perpetrators of sexual violence often have beliefs about entitlement and women’s roles that are common with perpetrators of all kinds of domestic abuse. If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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Thank you both for your replies. I really don’t know why it’s taken me so long to just get this far. The only time we’ve talked about it was immediately afterwards, when I told him I’d said no, but he said he hadn’t heard me and he’d “never do anything like that”. For years he’s had me dressing up for s×x. At first it was fun but it soon felt like he wanted the clothes, not me. (Does that make sense?) And would sulk if I refused. How can he be so lovely in other respects but so horrible in this one? When ive complained ive been told im “being silly”. It doesn’t feel like that to me. It feels like I’ve just been a clothes hanger.
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You are not being silly, that’s a typical response from an abusive partner who is dismissing your experience.. you know what happened and what he did, he also knows what he did but doesn’t want to be exposed… the nice side can be very confusing as most of us women on this forum have remained as these men can also be so nice… my husband could be kind, funny, caring.. but he always went back to being nasty, abusive with no accountability whatsoever for his outbursts or whatever he had done..
I learnt that his nice side wasn’t real, it is part of their abuse and can keep us in the relationship..
You are definitely not silly, you deserve to be free from abuse.. I am older, it isn’t easy to leave but it is still better than being chained to my husband… I believed I couldn’t leave.. I had lost all my life skills, confidence, I couldn’t make a decision on my own towards the end of ny marriage..
Trust your gut and keep posting
HFH ❤️ -
I’m the bad person who broke my ex husbands heart because for most of our long marriage he got angry sulked wore me down until I said OK to sex I said no lots of times and once just kept quiet and let him but he said I said go on then …otherwise he said he wouldn’t have gone ahead ..he still blames relate for opening my eyes to how he was being sexually abusive ..I still find it hard to accept that’s what he was as also was good in other ways .
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Yes the confusion is very much part of it… Google FOG cycle, Fear, Obligation, Guilt… the more you learn the more it makes sense..
Keep reaching out, it’s not you…the ‘making too much fuss’ is what woman are often accused of, when in reality it means you are speaking your needs which are as valid as anyone else’s.
HFH ❤️
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