Am I right

[Pinkturtle]

I don’t know where to start, it’s been one thing after another for years now. I ended up moving in with my parents, but I tell him not to come round and he does and they let him, I feel like the only way to get away would be to leave my job and disappear, but I like my job.

My husband is a liar, he lies to everyone, from the most absurd lies (detail removed by moderator), complete with graphic details, to lies about money and his family before me, that hate me with a passion and are allowed to treat me like dirt.

He can lie and I normally know the lies over and over, he gets his grown up kids to back up his lies, till I think I’m going mad. He will tell me I’m wrong and I didn’t hear things or see things I know I did. I can’t trust a word he says.

Last week he lied so much I checked his phone, and I know that’s wrong, but I just knew I was being lied too. Now it’s my fault for checking his phone and he can’t trust me cos I did that. But I knew he was lying and he had everyone else backing him up, but I knew what I’d heard.

He tells me I talk in my sleep and says I said other men’s names, often someone I don’t know, so I’d hardly be dreaming about them. So i got a phone recording app and I didn’t say anything I was accused of.

I also ended up taking his bank cards off him, after he spent all our money month after month and the house repayments kept bouncing, then told the bank they needed to speak to me. If there is money he has to spend it, he doesn’t understand it’s in the account but it’s spent. But that makes me an abuser, as I have to control the banking. He does have an income paid to him in cash, and all costs are covered by direct debit.

He says things like I make him lie as he knows I wouldn’t be happy with him doing whatever. One example was loaning money (detail removed by moderator). So he loaned it and told me he hadn’t. But then he flipped when he thought I was loaning my mum £20. It’s like if he knows I wouldn’t agree do it anyways and lie, but if I did that he would flip, and it’s not right we should be a partnership.

It’s not just me he lies to it’s everyone, sometimes that puts me in a s**t position.

I don’t trust him, and I hate being physical, but if I say no or don’t want to do something he is nasty. Then there is always an inquest on my performance and what I should have done

He never calls me my name, and calls me names day in day out, horrid names, frgid, s**g, fat c***, clown etc etc

I never know where he is, but I can’t go anywhere without my phone being bombarded with texts or him checking where I am. Even if I get my hair cut he wants to know time of appointment and what time I will be setting off back. I called in at the pub one night for a drink after finishing work early and he flipped saying I’d hid my car in the car park.

If I’m trying to get away and refuse to go anywhere with him when he walks into my home I feel like I can’t go anywhere else.

In his eyes boyfriends before him is also an issue, and I get it in the neck about that too, even though he was married. It’s like he classes that as cheating. If I don’t want to be physical he will say well you would with him so why not me. I have to be careful of things I say or I get accused of cheating, eg I once said you wouldn’t put them together as a couple. Or if I comment on something on Facebook. If I try to stop contact with him and he catches me speaking to someone on social media then I’m in trouble as I can speak to them and not him.

He hasn’t hit me, but he has grabbed me, and there are accidents like getting knocked down the stairs or I have to be careful if I follow him through a door as he slams it shut and says he didn’t realise I was there. He has made me sleep on the wooden floor, purposely kept me awake all night to make an event I had to go to the next day hard, thrown a bottle at me, made me sleep on the sofa with no heating or clothes. I sometimes wish he would hit me then what friends I have left might take me seriously (sorry that’s really insensitive). But people think he is so nice, and he encourages me to go out with friends in front of others, but then gives me a hard time if I do. If I tell my friends some of the things they think it’s only name calling or a little argument, or they think it’s simple just to leave him.

I know things he did to his ex wife when she threw him out, and I’m frightened he would do it to me too, he certainly wouldn’t go easily I’ve tried till I’ve no energy left.

It’s all a pattern, he does something, most of the time now I just don’t bother saying anything as its pointless, he flips when I manage to “catch him out”, then apologises, then flips, then apologises…..

I feel ashamed, I feel like a mug & worthless.

[Pinkturtle]

He also picks fault at any friends I have left, or my family, he always says nasty things about my family and their home.

I can’t watch tv without him ruining what I’m watching, flicking the tv over or more often than not what you watching this s**t for, to the point I don’t watch anything when he is around.

He doesn’t listen to a word I say, and decides what I’ve said. I’m always wrong or don’t know what I’m talking about, and apparently I’m a gob***** like my mother.

Anything I have he wants he takes or thinks nothing of throwing out or breaking my belongings, he then let’s me search for stuff he knows I’ll never find.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there sweetheart,

Welcome to the forum, it’s good to see you posting and thank you for sharing your story.

I would just like to start out by saying that even if he hasn’t hit you, what you are describing is still physical abuse. He very much knows you were there when he slammed that door. They will always claim it was accidental, but it’s not. Bruises and marks are often left in places where they can easily be hidden. My ex once spat on me, slapped me, strangled me then proceeded to do something too specific to say on here that left scars on me. He vehemently maintained that the last act leaving the scars was an accident. Nevermind how to explain the strangulation, slap and spit as accidents. It’s just what these men use as an excuse to avoid responsibility. I don’t take offense to you saying you sometimes wish he would hit you rather than these “accidents” – sometimes the tension has been building for so long we just want it over with. I have to admit that I on occasion felt relief after an assault because at least it was over for now. But you don’t need him to take that further step for your friends to believe you, sweetheart. True friends will not have any doubt if you told them how you’ve told it here. I believe you are being abused, and you are being abused in so many ways. Others will believe you too.

He seems to be doing a good job of portraying himself as a good guy to the public, these men often do. They should all be awarded rewards for their performance. It also seems that his lying has become acceptable to those around him and he is trying to use it to keep you confused and on your toes. Don’t be too hard on yourself for looking at his phone. My ex had done the exact same; lied straight to my face about the cost of a trip and I simply couldn’t take his lies anymore and set out to prove it by going through his phone. Only I stopped myself and didn’t see anything, but he found out and I was honest of my intentions and that I hadn’t seen anything – my ex spent DAYS interrogating me on “what did you find”. I’m certain there was something on there I was never meant to see, but I never looked again. Their actions drive us to this, we have to find some way to cling onto reality and that was all you were doing. My ex had full access to my phone and laptop and all social media accounts. I’d like to think in an equal partnership, it’s possible to be open and trusting of each other with each other’s devices and likewise for this trust to not be exploited. With an abuser there isn’t any such trust, and yes, you are describing a very abusive man.

Have you spoken with WA? You can call them at any time. I think it’s really brave you have left him but I do think you may need to establish some boundaries and get your parents’ help with this. You need peace from this man, he can’t be coming around. Is it possible to find your own accommodation? I’m sure you can speak with WA about options there, too.

Keep posting on here, you have come to a wonderful forum and I hope it can help you as much as it has helped me x

[Pinkturtle]

Just to hear someone say what’s happening isn’t right, feels amazing.

My biggest issue is finances, I’ve a lot tied up in the jointly owned house, I can’t afford to keep that ticking over and get my own place, without losing everything and ending up with my credit rating shot, and I want to be able to start again. But I think he would still appear if I had my own place, at least at my parents he has to keep up the pretence he is a nice guy. My parents went on holiday and I locked him out, but somehow he kept getting in, i left keys turned in locks, windows locked and closed with keys removed as I caught him climbing in a window. It’s not sane behaviour.

I’ve tried so many times to explain all this to people, but at best they just say well leave him.

[AlwaysSorry]

Leaving an abuser is never simple nor an easy decision to make. And even when the decision to leave has been made that is the most dangerous part as they often harm us during such time. I think you are indeed describing abusive behaviour and it’s very troubling that he can’t understand you don’t want him in your parents’ house and that he climbs in windows! That is terrifying behaviour! Have you thought about police involvement? His controlling behaviour is illegal and I would say much of what you describe falls under controlling and coercive behaviour but even then climbing into windows to get into houses that he has been locked out of is just… I don’t even have a word for it, but I am very concerned for you and your safety.
I can see why being tied together with the house makes things more difficult, so perhaps one of the first steps would be for you to get some legal advice like from Rights of Women or CAB. I’ve read that some solicitors give the first consultation for free with regards to matters of children, so perhaps they also do with regards to joint property? I would still call WA just to ensure you get all the support possible through this.

[Camel]

Hi Pinkturtle

I’m so sorry to hear of the abuse still going on despite leaving.

All types of abuse start with little things that we rationalise and let slip. We want to believe that they’re good people. Your ex has consistently behave appallingly then turned it all back on you when you’ve been pushed to ‘snoop for proof’. He’s chipped away at everything. You walk on eggshells. He’s verbally demeaned you. He’s isolated you. He’s involved his family in the abuse. He’s left you financially vulnerable.

You are not a mug and you are certainly not worthless. You’re simply ground down emotionally and physically.

Sadly friends and family often don’t understand the dynamics of abuse. How can they when we struggle to articulate it ourselves? Please don’t doubt yourself because no one around you ‘gets it’.

I agree you are in a dangerous situation right now. Breaking into the house is breaking the law, whether or not he’s been allowed access before. As a priority you need to report this to the police.

At the same time you should try to get yourself to somewhere safe. Your parents may be well-meaning but they’re putting you at further risk when they engage with him and let him in.

I’d also advise against posting on any social media, including things like Whatsapp and Facebook, where other people could report back to him. He has no boundaries at all and is escalating his behaviour.

Get professional support and advice as soon as possible from people trained to recognise abuse. Accept you can only deal with shared finances once you are physically safe. Don’t wait for people around you to agree it’s abuse before you take action.

Sending you hugs and luck.

[Author]

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