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    • #10743
      seaside lass
      Participant

      Just had a big b**w up with my husband, he wants me to go in the sick immediately and go to doctors to get counselling as he thinks I’m going loopy!!
      I’ve endured years of loads of little petty things, that all mount up. He has reasons why he doesn’t do X Y and Z, but he doesn’t even know where the Hoover is! Along with being told I’m not allowed to go on nights out out of town(in our town I have to be home by midnight), and he’s even told me when I questioned why that he’s just protecting his interests!! When I am out he texts and phones me, even turning up on one of the nights out with work!
      I’m doubting everything now?!! Am I making something out of nothing?? Oh god this is so hard! X

    • #10747
      missgiddypants
      Participant

      why does he think you are loopy ?? sounds like controlling behaviour ,checking up on you when you are out by phone or text ,and turning up too isn’t right I didn’t have that control ,but as you say it’s the little things that add up ,that tell you it isn’t right ,even blaming you is something all abusers do x

    • #10749
      seaside lass
      Participant

      I tried to throw him out (detail removed by moderator), packed him a bag and texted him while he was out. I thought that would be the easiest way. But, he has nowhere to live, ‘loves me’ and doesn’t want to be away from the kids. Yesterday I went food shopping, did a few washes, general tidy round and cooked dinner. This morning after I ironed kids uniforms, I had to tidy the dinner pots away before I could make the kids packed lunches. I’m sat at work and it’s really playing on me, so I text him again saying to put his name down for a flat, not necessarily to move out, but to give us a time scale for changes to be seen. I get a text back to phone him or he’s coming into my work! That’s when he’s told me, again, that what I’m doing isn’t what a sane person does, (detail removed by moderator)!!! And I should have asked him to iron the uniforms yesterday. He wants me to go on the sick, and get counselling as I’m not sane. I go from feeling the most sane I’ve ever felt, to questioning every decision I’ve ever made! Xx

    • #10750
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Hi seaside lass, he is abusing you mentally. You are the sane one and he is completely out of his mind.
      Do not allow him to turn up at your work. If he does, get security to throw him out. That is just too out of order and never acceptable.
      My ex gave me a number of mental illnesses and the neighbourhood probably thought that I was deranged. I knew for myself at some point in the relationship that I was very sane and he was the sick b…
      It is a common strategy of abusers to give mental illnesses to the women. That undermines the womens’ credibility should there be any problems.
      You should throw him out for good and never let him back in.
      Otherwise he will drive you crazy and things can start going against you.
      Get rid of him when the time is still good.
      These abusers can be very clever and they are able to destoy us. Act now, before he damages you further. x*x

    • #10752
      missgiddypants
      Participant

      trying to rack my brains here ,this anyone see that drama that was on Tv few years back about Lord Lucan he was the one that killed the nanny then disappeared ,didn’t he try and make out she was insane so that he couldn’t take the blame for abusing her ,anyone remember it ??
      isn’t this called gas lighting ?????

    • #10753
      missgiddypants
      Participant

      when you get chance seaside lass google gas lighting it explains it all better than I can x*x

    • #10758
      White Rose
      Participant

      You are definitely 100% sane. Don’t doubt yourself for one minute.
      This is his ongoing abuse it could probably be classed as gas lighting but not if you don’t get pulled in to believing it.
      It’s so common. Mine did the same to me and still does – he’s always getting in touch with friends and relatives about me having a screw loose or needing a psychiatrist or that he’s worried I’m getting more mentally ill. They used to be worried now they ring me and ask me what’s happened as regards divorce/finance/property etc as it’s usually more progress with getting free from him that provikes him as it stresses him out and sparks his behaviour.
      It’s tiresome and frustrates me but I know I’m not going mad and do does my family and GP. And I know you’re not either. Keep believing yourself. Keep noted of things you’ve done and said to show yourself you are right and he is wrong. I recorded sone things on my old phone which I’ve still got I’ve not needed to use then and sometimes I go back and listen to them just to remind myself what I left. Keep positive xxxx

    • #10770
      seaside lass
      Participant

      I’ve looked up gas lighting and I think that is what he is attempting to do, but I have got quite a good memory, so I can’t be tricked into believing another version of the truth. I think he might believe them though.
      We spoke again yesterday, he said if he goes I’ll get no money, and he’ll not see the kids, then he’s saying that I’m not going to make him a part time father and I have to tell the kids that he did everything possible to keep us a family. He said he can change, it’ll take time, but he can, but he can’t change his personality!! I said about him not letting me go on nights out, and he said he’s never stopped me, and when he said that he was protecting his interests when I had loads of grief on a night out last September, he said of course he was, I’m his wife and he doesn’t know who I was out with. I was out with work, and I’ve been there for all my working life, I was seeing him when I started work!
      I think I might see my GP, I might need a sick note soon, I have a very responsible job and me not thinking properly isn’t worth what could happen.
      Speaking to him last night I think he is totally oblivious to his actions, he keeps trivialising what I’m saying, and trying to talk me round, and of course when I’m not agreeing with him I’m the mad one!!
      I’m staying positive, as I do know I’m not deluded, I was for years, but now I see everything for what it is xx

    • #10772
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      Hi Seaside Lass
      If he thinks “she’s loopy” he doesn’t have to accept he is the problem.
      Mine was doing that and threatened to take action saying I was too “ill” to look after the children. My doctor and divorce solicitor both told me they had no grounds to feel I was a danger to my children or not in right mind to make legal decisions.
      I knew I was sane but worried he could make me appear insane because of depression I was getting treatment for.
      He tried to get others “who [I] might listen to” to speak to me about “what [I was] doing”
      hes excusing himself and he’s blaming you plus trying to make you doubt yourself so he can control you. It’s all psychological abuse.
      Even the stuff about money and kids…..hes patronising you by thinking you are either controlled by financial threats or that you haven’t thought about the implications of leaving the relationship. He’s abusing you trying to make you think it is not good for the kids. Please read about parental alienation to try and protect you and kids, as the telling you to represent him to the kids sounds like alienation tactics to me. Mine did the same when I tried to leave him a couple of years ago and although I knew it was controlling I didn’t know about alienation and now see he’s been doing it for years And maybe even from birth. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft has sections on this.

    • #10773
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      It sounds like you are strong….you know your memory is good and you trust yourself. Keep building on that your doing great.
      When you can see what he’s up to with each tactic he looses power to control you.

    • #10776
      seaside lass
      Participant

      I bought that book at the weekend, and I’m reading it on my kindle. He’s doing some textbook stuff in there.
      I came downstairs to him crying this morning, looking at pictures of the children. We had yet another talk, but this time he’s not dismissed me as a ranting woman, told him I am me, I know what makes me happy I don’t care what other women expect and want. He’s finally acknowledged that he’s not really acted on what he can remember that I have said in the past as most discussions tend to happen when he’s had a drink and he blows up easy, and also can’t remember. He’s promised me he can change and will change, I’m sceptical and against my better judgement he’s still here, but this is his second strike, next time he is out, he knows this and claims that there won’t be a next time. I’ve yet to ask him about his accusations against my mental health, but I will, I want him to take that back too-if he doesn’t then that’s his third strike. I feel so weak doing this, but, he’s going to have to change drastically and quickly, and keep it up, deep down I don’t think he’ll be able to do it, but this way when it doesn’t work he will hopefully see that the breakdown is his own doing, that’s the plan anyway. I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor this week, arranged by the local refuge which I’m still going to, there’s a few bits I want to know legally. The biggest one is, last night he said if I’m not happy then I have to leave, house and bills are all in my name, so I want to know how I can get him out if/when that situation happens again, I know I can change the locks on him and he has no rights to be back xx

    • #10777
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      if he’s asking you to leave it seems like he is blaming you still.
      You naturally feel responsible for showing him how to improve himself. Try to focus on you and the kids and not care taking him, if he’s serious about change he needs to do it for himself (I.e. get outside help advice and read) not rely on you to show him.
      is he wanting to help you move on to a better life if he can’t change?
      Mine reads about everything to do with his hobbies and his work, so why not read about how to self improve. Or how to help the children through the trauma of divorce. He doesn’t ask me how to run his business or his hobbies.

    • #10780
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      He wants u to totally be dependent on him, by u not working u will become more isolated, and u not even loopy, again its mind game his playing with u , his just looking at his own benefits his gaining from living with u

    • #10784
      seaside lass
      Participant

      It’s going to be a long slog, but my priorities are the kids and me. I’ll only go on the sick if I feel my work will suffer, if I make mistakes (detail removed by Moderator) , so it’s still an option, but it’s my option-not his.
      He’s tried the sanity route, and yesterday I did doubt me, but that won’t happen again. I know my mind, and I know what has happened, he’ll not have me doubting again.
      I’m going to suggest couples counselling, and see how he reacts to that, then I might know how serious he is about wanting to change xx

    • #10806
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      Be careful – couples counselling is good for communication issues/ difficulties it might not be the best thing where abuse is involved. what does Lundy say about working together to change? I haven’t read this fully as it wasn’t an option for me.

    • #10824
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Couples’s counselling does not help in abusive relationships. Instead of suffering it is best to kick the abuser out for good. It is easier said than done.
      I took long to do it too and I took him back after he almost killed me. You will get there in the end. Just make sure you are safe. They are most dangerous when they feel they are being kicked out any time. They can snap. Be on your guard. x*x

    • #10840
      seaside lass
      Participant

      SilkyHalide I’ve not read all of the book yet, the beauty of it being on my kindle is he doesn’t know what I am reading.
      Ayanna, you’re right, it is easier said than done. He has said he wants to change as he now realises how close he is to losing everything, which is what he’s said when I’ve asked him why he hasn’t taken notice of me before. I do know I want him gone, but how can I justify it without a second chance, and it’s the only one he’s getting one, hopefully he knows how serious I am. If only I was the one that needed to leave, we’d have been gone and it’d all be over now x

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