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Heeeey…. having a bad day. I don’t really know why. My husband hasn’t really done anything to hurt me recently, he was in a bad mood for few days, and I had to put in a lot of effort to cheer him up, but he got in a good mood (timeframe removed by Moderator), so everything should be fine, right?
I just feel sad. Even though nothing is wrong right now.
So, going to my self-sabotage question, I don’t know it belongs in an abuse forum or a language forum, but here goes!
So I live in my husband’s country. I don’t speak the language, so I’m taking a language class focusing that focuses on job vocabulary. Anyway, along with taking this class, I also bought a grammar book and some learning apps (without letting my husband know, just in case it’s safer if he doesn’t know, because at this point, I don’t actually know what makes him mad anymore, so I try to err on the side of caution).
Along with the textbooks I bought, I found a website that has explains what to expect (vocabulary and phrases) when a company calls you for a job interview. Now, this is super important to me, because a few months ago, I applied for a job, and some of the companies actually called me requesting for an interview! But I panicked to much that I hung up on the phone!
To escape my husband, I need a job…but… I don’t understand what’s happening in my brain. Because I freeze up when I try to study job related things. So I don’t study that, and instead I’ve been studying random vocabulary words, which will not help my situation at all! And I’m worried that I’m self-sabotaging.
Like, I read that people who have been/or are abused, that they get stuck in the abuse, because the brain starts to view the abuse as ‘normal’. And I’m worried that that’s what’s happening. That I just got so used to being with my husband, that my subconscious views it as ‘normal’.
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Does anyone else self-sabotage? I tried watching videos on youtube on self-sabotaging, but I kept think that it’s a bit different when you’re being abused, because abuse causes stress and unique problems that don’t normal exist outside of abusive relationships.
If you struggle is self-sabotaging, how do you balance it with surviving your abusive situation?
Because I feel like I hate myself. I hate myself for holding myself back. I believe I have the key to escaping my abuser, the key is language skills. If I could just get past this… this mental thing holding me back, I could set myself free.
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I just get so scared that my husband is going to hurt me, that I can’t focus on studying. I can’t really focus on anything. And then I feel bad. Like it’s my fault that I can’t study.
Like, I just don’t understand why I’m not studying job related vocabulary/expressions. Why?? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I hurting my chances of escaping?
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Hi NotYourMaid,
It’s totally normal you can’t concentrate on anything at the moment. It’s not that you’re self-sabotaging it’s more imo that you’re living in fear. Your husband did something awful to you recently and it’s naturally caused you to be afraid… so you can’t focus or think. Also it sounds like you’re not getting enough money for food..so this too would affect your concentration. Also abusers work to put us in a trapped position (mine did). He’s drained your savings even though he earns the money. You’re in a different country with a different language so you are isolated from family and friends. It’s good your posting on here for support and knowledge. The volunteering is great to do but hard to do if you’re not getting enough food. Could you phone the live chat on here & chat to someone for extra support. I feel you are in a very unsafe position living with him. My heart goes out to you. But you will move through this onto safer ground with the help of support.
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@lover of no contact
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I keep thinking that it’s my fault that I’m not trying hard enough to escape his abuse… but I think you’re right. I’m just scared.
When I first realized it was abuse, I would freeze up, I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t focus, I would curl up on the floor and start shaking or crying (or both). And it could last from several hours to just minutes. That was a few months ago. Then I would pull myself off the floor, pull out my textbooks and try studying again. And that would happen several times day.
I’m getting help from some non-profts, and after they started helping me, those weird freezing fits/can’t focus fits, sort of almost stopped. But I guess they’re not really over, since I was like that yesterday.
I’m still getting help from some non-profits, and I’m considering reaching out to the local women’s shelter again, but it didn’t go well the time I asked them for help, so I’m still debating it.
But thank you. Your words really helped.
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Hi NotYourMaid,
Keep on posting your thoughts, feelings & fears on here. And was the posts daily. Knowledge is Power and there’s strength in numbers from all the lovely ladies on here who understand what you’re going through. Your husband is addicted to power & control as our our abusers. And they put us in fear to control us. Fear is not love. But you have great strength and will get through this. I’m sorry to hear about your bad experience with the local women’s shelter. Maybe as you say it might be more supportive if you try again. Keep gathering as many supports around you as you can.
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Hi, yes I understand what you’re feeling. I think I have done this over and over. I don’t know if I can offer any advice because I don’t really understand it myself…but I can relate to it. Why do we self sabotage? I can only make guesses.
I think that they will wreck whatever we do. So there’s a feeling of hopelessness. Every plan has a weak link at some place, that’s just normal life…and we know that they will step in at that moment and turn everything that we’ve made to ashes.To achieve anything takes work and sometimes we will hit a rough patch. Some self doubt perhaps, about whether we’re doing the right thing, or maybe just a moment when we need some support. That will be the moment when they cut us down or whisper their negative opinions in our ears, or tell others that they think we’re wasting our time etc etc.
When we know that everything is an uphill struggle, it saps our energy and causes these massive bouts of pain and desperation.
When so many on this forum talk about being kind to ourselves I think this is what they see. How much damage has been done to us that we don’t even know.
All I do is learn about what has happened to me and shrug off the shadow of these sad little vampires who pretended to love us. Then maybe, we can move forward with solid steps. -
Oooooh!! I KNEW it was normal self-sabotage! Like, before I got in a relationship with my husband, I did self-sabotage, but because I was mentally healthier back then, I could pull myself up, and out, and work it out. But I feel like I can’t now. I feel so drained, like I can’t fight against my self-sabotaging. And I watched videos and googled it, but nothing works, and nothing felt like it fit, and now that you said it… I know why!
It’s because he constantly ruins my plans! That’s how he ended up draining my finances. Wow. So my self-sabotaging is a side effect of abuse. Which means that in order for me to stop self-sabotaging, I would need to get him out of my head… I feel weirdly happy knowing this.
I mean, I’m happy that it’s not me, doing things to hurt me. It’s an effect of him hurt me. I know that’s not something I should be happy about. But I don’t know. It’s just that when I thought that I actively working against myself, it made me feel so bad, you know? But now I don’t feel so bad.
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I guess “happy” isn’t the right word. It’s relieved. Before I posted this topic on this forum, I kept thinking that it was all my fault. That I wasn’t trying hard enough to escape, and I was worried that a part of me secretly wanted/wants to stay with him. But both you are right, I’m living in fear, I’m isolated in a country where I don’t speak the language, and pretty much every time I make a plan, my husband does something to break my plans.
What’s happening isn’t my fault. I am not pathetic. I am not stupid.
I am burnt out, and fighting an uphill fight.
But I can still do this.
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I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m not self-sabotaging; if maybe he’s sabotaging me. Before I realized he was abusive, I had 2 job interviews lined up. Both times, the day before the interviews, we had huge arguments. I don’t even remember what the fight was about. But both times, the argument was so bad, that I was really emotionally shaken the next day and couldn’t function. Both times I had to cancel the interviews. Both times, I was such a mess that I didn’t even re-schedule. I just couldn’t think clearly.
Since realizing that he’s abusive, I’ve had 2 other interviews as well. Neither went well. The first didn’t go well because it was children’s day care that didn’t do a good job taking care the children, several rooms smelled really bad, like that smell that children get when they aren’t being taken care of properly. I was so horrified that I had difficulty concentrating during the interview. So of course they didn’t call me back.
The second time happened just recently. It was bad just because it was entirely in the language of this country, and since my level is really low, I could only understand a few words.
But what I found interesting is, I didn’t tell my husband about the interviews. And we didn’t fight. The coincidence of it all, the fact that it seems very much like a pattern, makes me wonder if he’s been trying to sabotage me all this time, and if I’ve just been blaming myself.
Not with everything, naturally.
He hasn’t done anything to my language studying. But I also don’t study in front of him. I just don’t feel safe doing that. I don’t want him to know my language level. It’s insanely low right now, but when I reach a high language level, I don’t want him to know about. He’ll fill out paperwork, and when I ask him what it means, he won’t tell me. So I want to be able to learn if he’s lying about this like this.
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Hi NotYourMaid,
Yes he’s doing it on purpose. He has such a suck personality that he is secretly smiling to himself at your level of distress during the argument. They love to destroy, destruct, hurt and caused pain to other human beings. He gets a feeling of control out of it all and knowing he can scupper your plans. But well done for not letting him know about the other interviews. He’s not as in control as he thinks he is. It was a very painful awareness for me when I realised that the man I married was my enemy and did not want the best for me. It took a while for me to move to Acceptance of that fact.
The 3 A’s Awareness, Acceptance and Action. The truth really does hurt when we realise that they do not love us but have contempt for us. It’s not personal. They can’t love anyone. They are soul detached. They can only hurt and cause pain. We are not like them that’s why it’s so hard for us to understand.
Knowledge is Power, keep posting
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It sounds like he is trying to bring you down and make you lack your own confidence. There is enough there to make you feel nervous without him interfering but where he should be helping you and boosting your confidence, it sounds like he is bringing it down. The fact that you say in multiple replies that you did things behind his back to err on the side of caution tells me you’re afraid of him, that is NOT normal. There is no reasoning. You sound like you need some support to understand how to process all of these changes in circumstances.
and look, it isn’t my place but take it from me (someone who did it too much), running away from home(even if it’s work) is not normal. Homes are safe places with people who make you feel safe and happy.
my inbox is open if you want to talk x
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Yeah, I think you’re both right… it’s just hard to wrap my brain around it… he used to be so nice… and every now and then I see glimpses of that person that he used to be…
…but I’m trying to accept the reality… which is that he’s abusive…
@Firsttimedivorcee I don’t actually consider this my home any more. To me, it’s his home, and I need to leave and find my own home (and I don’t want him to know where it is). Since we don’t have children, when I leave, it’s going to be no contact. I already removed his social media. But I still have his phone number since we’re still married and living together. But I try to not contact him often. -
Omg, it was so difficult for me to read your post, it took me back to things I’d almost forgotten. Yes! The arguments just before a challenging or important day. Up all night arguing about something that he convinced me was SO important ( forgotten by the next day, by him anyway) so that I was so tired and emotionally drained that I didn’t perform well and messed up my career. Never ever suspected at that time that someone who said they loved me could be just trying to destroy me. Only too many years later did I start to fit the jigsaw pieces together. I’m devastated by it. Sometimes I feel like he stole my life.
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