Am I surviving abuse?

[lostinlove2020]

Hi there,

I’ve only recently found this site and have been lurking where it’s possible for me to.

I am pretty sure I am experiencing abuse but when it’s only emotional, it’s so easy to get confused and blame yourself instead of thinking objectively so I would appreciate your input.

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I’m still working full time from home while my partner is decorating our house as he is unable to work. He was working on my office while I was working and was pretty nasty the whole time, taking the p**s and criticising my decorative wall mounts (being vague) and asked why there was nothing of us and how I don’t do anything cute, so I said I do all the serious stuff.
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We live with his sibling and their partner so I had to ask them to keep me company and stay with me because I felt vulnerable, so we all went shopping and told them everything as they knew stuff wasn’t right and it was the only time I could call my mum as I feel trapped in the house unable to tell or talk to anyone properly.
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The argument kicked off because I started falling asleep in our programme (detail removed by moderator) Going on and on about how lazy and selfish I am, how I never consider him and his feelings, how he’s worked to do the whole house (sorry but he’s not working so he can?!) and he just would not accept what I have tried to do to help and said I should have put helping him before my work which I take great pride in. I could not believe it.
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Then at some point, he started cuddling me. I was so tired I didn’t care but it was so weird. There’s been no talk of it since and yesterday was pretty OK, until he said he wanted to have sex and I said give me 5 mins, so he got sulky and I end up putting dinner on and then he said he wanted to again. I went with him as it’s just easier that way and in effect, gets it over with.

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The last few months have been difficult and I would say that I feel constantly on eggshells trying not to upset or anger him, very worried and anxious about trying to do the right thing, often feel that whatever I do is wrong, am made to feel guilty and believe I have done wrong, been made to feel scared, have been goaded and pushed to my limit emotionally to make me angry when I am not an angry person, feel like I overreact but know I haven’t etc etc.

I am having a real hard time trying to figure out if I am the bad person he makes me feel I am or whether he is in the wrong. All my friends and family are with me but with him, he knows how to make you feel like it’s your fault and forces me to apologise for things I don’t necessarily agree with but gives me no choice.

The kinds of behaviour I’m experiencing are:

-Angry outbursts at small inconveniences
-Accuses me of having done something wrong all the time
-Gets angry if I can’t remember everything, especially if I don’t know his personal details or favourite things
-Makes things appear to be my fault
-Never understands my POV
-Keeps me awake for hours at night to badger me for an apology I don’t want to give
-Gets angry and yells at me when I’m struggling to deal with conflict (I am definitely an empath and it’s like I retreat inwards to cope with the onslaught) and says I need to sack up and I’m too sensitive
-doesn’t like my “lack of communication” but does not provide a safe environment for me to express myself
-he has stopped tickling me horrendously fortunately but would tickle me so hard and not stop when I asked repeatedly. To the point of making me angry and where I’d have to show him physically that I needed him to stop. He’d get angry if he got accidentally hurt and I’d always apologise but he couldn’t see that he was disrespectful by not listening in the first place.
-he is a joker but constantly puts down what I say, says Shut Up, no-one cares, nobody likes you, etc. I know they are jokes as he would but it’s not pleasant when it’s constant.
-I’m not perfect and have made mistakes but he never lets anything go and everything hangs over my head
-I have financially supported him considerably and he has always paid me back but looking back, I think I have been made to feel guilty over some purchases he was wanted. Recently he lied about an extremely large purchase which was bought with my money.
-he makes himself a victim of life though he does have some terrible luck at times
-sulks when he is not happy with something and never accepts a solution to be purposely stubborn
-he often says one thing but means another so have to read his mind and whatever I choose ends up wrong
-he has pushed me so hard emotionally that I have had breakdowns as a result and believe I had a panic attack because of him.
-gets angry when I navigate wrong with a Satnav and yells when it’s not my fault
-says I don’t listen to him and don’t try to change to be better
-has forced me to exercise to get fitter (nice intention but wrongly done)
-complains about me not looking how I used to with my ex (the only difference was I wore contact lenses more) and that I don’t dress nicely anymore
-accuses me of putting work first when I haven’t visited or done more during lockdown
-in the throes of anger, he has called me many nasty names and says he thought I was the one and he put me on a pedestal, but now, it’s me who should be lucky to be with him
-does things to p**s me off and upset me just to do that and then when I react badly after biting my tongue for so long, he gets upset and I have to apologise for upsetting him
-when he is unhappy about seeing my friends, he makes me feel bad for us going and makes the atmosphere really uncomfortable
-has pretended to break up with me and has broken up with me to make amends again
-He will slam my office door open which makes me jump and then jokingly but aggressively kiss me all over and he said it’s him showing a burst of love, but it’s not pleasant as the recipient. Especially if you’re being taken away from work and wound up with being groped or whatever.
I raise with him respect and boundaries and his response are – I’m allowed, I don’t care, I’ll do what I want, I’m always going to do it because it annoys you.
-he is physically gropey and irritating. He treats me as though my body is his and will comment to that fact. He slaps my butt very hard and often when I’m doing things like cooking which is frustrating.

So yeah, that’s how things can be. It’s not like this every second of the day and when it’s OK, it’s fine, but when it’s not, it’s just simply awful.

Hope everyone is surviving OK at an even harder time.

Take care and thank you in advance for your responses. Xx

[KIP.]

Hey and welcome. Read you post back to yourself and imagine your sister or best friend writing this. Yes it’s incredible abuse and he’s using all the tricks of the mind that an abuse uses. Gaslighting. Have you read Living with the Dominator? It’s a great book that explains abuse. Abusers cannot stand us achieving. They deliberately set out to destroy us. You could be the most perfect partner in the world but he would simply change the goal posts or invent something to abuse you over. The good times come in the cycle of abuse. Google that. If it was bad all the time we wouldn’t stay. Having sex because of threats of consequences is sexual abuse. Even when you’re working to support you both he still feels justified to abuse you and twist it and sue it against you.

[KIP.]

There absolutely no point discussing things with him because he will leave you feeling confused with his word salad. You walk away all confused thinking about what you’ve done when the conversation started about his behaviour. Mind blowing dysfunctional behaviour and you won’t win. Try to ring the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat x and keep reading other posts and you will see so many similarities x

[lostinlove2020]

Thank you so much to you all. You have all confirmed my own suspicions, wgigg in a weird way has made it more scary because now I know it to be abuse and before, it was just normal.
I just can’t believe the sheer number of women who have to go through the same thing, all with differences here and there but the same underlying core.

KIP, you are absolutely spot on with what you’ve said and I am always trying to keep up with the goalposts! I have not read it but know it exists, I just have to be careful because I couldn’t have him see it but QuietGirraffe has mentioned another book available for download so I would have to read them like that but definitely want to. I was reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Person which gave me a lot of insight in to myself as well, and it’s just sad the others can abuse a kind nature – he of course just calls me a snowflake. Thank you for your welcoming message and giving me some things to look up and learn.
Unfortunately, I feel very awkward trying to seek help with the lockdown in place but always contact my mum and friends when something happens and then delete msgs ASAP.

[Iwantmeback]

Yes you are, surviving every minute of every day. These men twist and turn on a sixpence. Being nice after outbursts is very common.its called the honeymoon phase, designed to put you way off balance, look up the cycle of abuse. Just because its ’emotional’ abuse didn’t make it any the less harmful, probably more so as broken bones and black eyes heal. Having sex is their way of thinking everything’s all right. If it wasn’t she wouldn’t let me, right, wrong. Its another way of surviving more verbal/emotional abuse. How can you do a loving act when you don’t feel loved or cherished. Look up trauma bonding, FOG of abuse which stands for fear, obligation and guilt. You can get away from this, you are worth more than this. Its unbelievable just how many men treat their partners in this way, throw children into the mix and you’ve got the next generation of abusers/abused adults.
Keep posting, try recording his outbursts but only if it’s safe to do so. Listening to those recordings helped keep me focused on leaving. You can’t do it alone, reach out to wa, let your doctor know what’s going on, becomes recorded evidence just in case.
Well done for posting and welcome to the forum.
IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

I read what you wrote and thought Wow – after that list when does he have time to be “ok” and how many seconds does that last? I guess he has to rest up from his onslaught of abuse here and there. Don’t second guess yourself at all here. you might want to make a list of the things you truly and sincerely like about him and respect him for. Then compare the two lists. It’s all about him isn’t it? Time to flip it. You didn’t take him to raise, right? Can you imagine being rid of all this in your life? Please do!!

[Quietgirraffe]

That is definitely abuse you’re experiencing. It can be so hard to remember that during the times he decides to be nice, especially since he spends so much time twisting the table to make you feel like the bad one – you might start to think you were overreacting, but never forget that the things he did were real and abusive. I was in a place similar to you, feeling like it couldn’t really be abuse because he wasn’t physically hurting me, but like Iwantmeback said, the things you are suffering are just as bad because they are destroying your very identity. Keep writing down the the things he does that hurt you so you can go back and remind yourself when you start to question. I’d also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?”, when I started to question my partner’s behaviors, that book really opened my eyes to how bad things actually were and set me on the path to taking the steps I needed to start finding myself again. (You can download it and many other similar books on the Google play store so you can read them secretly on your phone). Its so easy to minimize our partners’ behaviors because they keep twisting our thoughts, and because deep down we WANT to see them as good people, don’t we? But stay strong! Remember, you are not the bad one in this situation, and you deserve to be treated better.

[lostinlove2020]

Thank you so much to you all. You have all confirmed my own suspicions, wgigg in a weird way has made it more scary because now I know it to be abuse and before, it was just normal.
I just can’t believe the sheer number of women who have to go through the same thing, all with differences here and there but the same underlying core.

KIP, you are absolutely spot on with what you’ve said and I am always trying to keep up with the goalposts! I have not read it but know it exists, I just have to be careful because I couldn’t have him see it but QuietGirraffe has mentioned another book available for download so I would have to read them like that but definitely want to. I was reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Person which gave me a lot of insight in to myself as well, and it’s just sad the others can abuse a kind nature – he of course just calls me a snowflake. Thank you for your welcoming message and giving me some things to look up and learn.
Unfortunately, I feel very awkward trying to seek help with the lockdown in place but always contact my mum and friends when something happens and then delete msgs ASAP.

Iwantmeback – despite the topic, you have explained and expressed the situation so eloquently and it’s like any of us who have experienced this have a bond and just ‘know’. Again, thank you for the research tips – I love being well armed. As you suggested, I have started recording things and even got an hour’s worth the other day, like wow. Thank you!

Braelynn, you are not wrong! There are fleeting moments and then I go and ruin it naturally. He’s started a unsual cycle which he’s never done before where we’ll argue late at night, I go or try to go to sleep, and then he’ll stay up late and then cuddle me. It’s just so weird. He then doesn’t mention anything again. I can’t tell if he knows he’s wrong or what. He’s been very cruel about sex and me not starting it, not seeking interested, always being too tired etc… Is it really any wonder?!
My list of things I like about him is sadly very small nowadays.
In a weird way, I am thankful for the lockdown before I made any permanent decisions. We bought a house but I worked in a different city so commuted a lot and was due to work from home full time in the future, but I’m glad this has happened now where I’ve had no choice before I made the commitment without a way out.

Quietgirraffe, again you are spot on. Every nice moment you question the bad ones and you think maybe it’s not so bad, but when I think how I feel, I know it is. My head has been such a mess for all of 2020 and I know it’s been making me I’ll. His presence makes me anxious and ill get stomach aches, especially if I can hear and tell he’s in a mood with something. It just sets me off which is no way to live. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me and to know that it was similar for you and equally confusing really helps. Thank you for the tip, I have to be very careful with my phone. He never looks at it but has had it when things cropped up – oops. I’m definitely one to see the best in everyone so I always hope that side shines through buti just don’t think that’s possible anymore, he’s too stuck in his ways and way too comfortable.

Thank you all again so so much for your responses. I will be getting out, it’s just a case of how and when. Do any of you have advice on that?
Please all take care and stay safe. Xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there in response to getting out plan. Plan plan plan plan and plan some more. It’s not something you can do on your own, do you want to live in the house afterwards, or are you okay about starting again. Your local WA can usually direct you to a lawyer who is very well versed in DA/DV😔 start having a massive clearout, perfect time with lockdown, start shedding sl unnecessary paperwork, collect sl ppersonal paperwork you’ll need, birth certificates, yours and children’s if any, marriage certificate, mortgage statements, title deeds if you have them, get a copy of his bank details and NI number. Do you do online banking, has he got one set up? If not, you do one as long af he’ll not find out, it’s not fir committing fraud it’s just to keep an eye on his finances. Set it up from his laptop/tablet if you can, that way it’s his email address your using. Mine still doesn’t know to this day I did that. Cant access it now, as he’s put a lock on his tablet now AND I got away from him, so you can do it.
Is there anywhere you can move anything to. Tru not ask any cryptic hypothetical questions, it’ll set his internal radar off too. It’s all about planning, leaving no stone unturned. The more you plan, see positive results from what you’re doing, there more your confidence will start to grow again. He will notice these changes in you. If you ever wanted to be an actress now is the time to start being one.
Yes the cuddling in at night, he knows you’re pulling away. I ended up on the edge of a super kingsize bed, thankfully going through menopause which helped with excusing me not being able to cuddle in. Look up the grey rock method, it’ll help a lot. It’s where you become the most boring person in the room, just like a grey rock. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is practically our go to book on here. I’ve downloaded so many self help books, and stories of abuse, many I can’t read now. If you believe in laws of attraction LOA,but never tried it, start now. Ive been doing it fir years unconsciously, then was directed to it through my daughter a good few years ago, there’s a few short books on that too.
2020 was supposed to be such a positive year, full of opportunities AND it still is, just not in the way we thought it would be.
You can do this, keeping a written journal of his behaviour whether on your phone or in an exercise book, so long as he can’t find that ove, gives you concrete evidence it’s not you. Theres a difference from being abusive and being assertive. In trying to assert your boundaries he pushes back, bullying,coercing, which is now a criminal offense as of 2015 and can confer with a jail sentence of up to 5 years. That put the wind up my oh but he’s forgotten how that made him feel.
So keep posting, keep noticing. Once your eyes are open you’ll see this behaviour everywhere, it’ll drive you mad if you let it.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
IWMB 💞💞
You can pm any of us if you want to, took me a while to do that, but was glad I did.

[lostinlove2020]

Thank you again for your response, it really really helps.

I was very close to getting my friends to pick me up or my mum but have stayed to make sure I sort things in the right way for me going forward.

Fortunately, because of how life was before lockdown, I don’t have that much stuff in the house overall. I was living between family and the house to accommodate work and wasn’t worth moving my stuff in until decoration etc, so it’s minimal. Ideally, I funded the house and repairs etc so I want the house to be mine by the end of things, which his family agree with so I hope o buy him out. It’s a 50/50 ownership but if forced to sell, I would get the deposit back and money for repairs and then equity would be split. He owes me a lot of money for a business venture we tried which he does pay back but would hope that he would do the right thing and accept what he now has because of me and not try to take the house. He’s done a lot to make it a home but I’ve paid for it, haha!
I would then like to let it out and save again for somewhere else and I’d live with family again.i doubt it’s gonna be a good time to sell for a while yet so would be gutted to have to do that, but again, I wouldn’t live in the house anyway so if I had to lose it, I’d just have to crack on with it.

I’ve got all the house papers together which I’ll take with me when whatever happens happens. Again, everything else is with family.

He has online banking on his phone but he always says it doesn’t work, but I love online banking so not quite sure what his issue is! Even if I could, I probably wouldn’t do that though I can srr how it would be helpful. We’re together too much for me to be able to do anything so I respond first thing in the morning when he’s asleep.

You’re absolutely right! I’m trying to be as accommodating and tolerant as possible. I’m still being called names whenever I dislike how he treats me in my office, ugh. So I just have to smile more there.
I feel like I have to pretend to like him even touching me now, but sometimes it can just feel repulsive after how he can be.

That’s a very fair reason! I’m freezing cold all day but boiling hot at night, but I’m too young for menopause though I do wonder if it’s the Pill. Either way, I do struggle sleeping if cuddling too much or feeling stubble on my skin makes me go so itchy. Naturally, I’m a p***y for not dealing with it.

Having looked up grey rock, I think I had partially been doing it. He’s all about sparking a reaction so he might call me names and I’ll just be OK, cool, so he’ll keep going to find something that will get to me. I’ve always been told I have the patience of a Saint but he really pushes it. Sometimes I will just flip and turn it on me at to why am I yelling when he incited it. Guess that’s what he’s after so will have to remind myself of the long term goal and stay calm.

I downloaded it and my goodness, the pinpoint accuracy is simply astounding. I think when I have children, especially if a daughter, I would so want for them to read it and recognise the signs. I’ve read through a lot of it so far and glossed over some irrelevant bits at the beginning but describing the different forms of abuser and in the mind of them was just crazy. I could not believe how closely fitting it was.
Looking forward to reading everything else I can do thank you.

Interesting, thank you. I’m definitely in to that side of things and anything spiritual or intangible. I’ve had a couple of psychic readings done over things and it’s been very telling and got me, I would say very accurate. Obviously, I’m taking with a pinch of salt but it rang so true. It gives me hope too as everything leads to happiness for me so that kinda spurs me on to keep going.

Yes, I’ve tried to keep a record but should do it more diligently. Just makes me anxious knowing I’m recording it!

He is abusive, not assertive for definite. Even with his own family, I see him use underhand tactics to help him get what he wants.

Thank you so so much for your response again, it’s been so helpful and inspiring. I really appreciate it. It’s really wonderful that you use the experience you had to help others and I’m glad you got away. Thank you again, take care xx

[KIP.]

The most dangerous time for women is when they leave an abusive relationship. Don’t ever think he’s going to be reasonable with anything. Once he realises you are ending things he will try to ruin you. Any money he owes you unless you have a legally binding contract you can forget about. Even then he will lie and deny. Anything you believe is yours he will try to take from you. He will use friends and family and lawyers and anyone else he can to discredit you and leave you with nothing. Get ALL your ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor without him knowing and find out where you stand. Any reasonable side you see from him is when he’s getting what he wants.

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