Am I the absuer?

[I.dont.know.]

Has anyone actually ever snapped at ended up feeling like the absuer ? I’m at a very close edge to snapping and feel it wouldn’t take much for me to turn round and punch him in the face of throw something heavy at him!! Have I become the absuer???? Have I made all the s**t up in my head???

[dustypink]

Hi,
I have such a thoughts often and it is difficult to control but I manage to. Most of the time. I have thrown a cup on the floor once and smashed door glass. We all are not perfect and have feelings and do mistakes. This is normal.
The difference is that agressors are never doubting and asking themselves if they are abusers. They know that they are allowed to do this and don’t feel their guilt at all, they don’t blame themselves. They are alwats right and this is always somebody’s else fault.

If you are asking and blaming yourself – you are not abuser )

[KIP.]

I remember thinking this behaviour is changing me into someone I’m not. Making me do things I just wouldn’t normally do. Someone I don’t like. If you’re recognising these feelings, it’s the abuser changing and driving you to behave this way. That’s what contact with abusers does. And what a rush my ex would get out of seeing me lose it. Nasty despicable men. What a great excuse for him to turn it found on me and up his game. Zero contact x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes I had moments of doubts and asked myself if I actually was the abuser.
I am not. Nor are you.

While in the relationship I smashed a plate full of food on the floor, another time I smashed a plant. When the kettle is too full, it just boils over. Anger must come out. Ideally in different ways then smashing plates or a poor plant ( which I repotted and apologised to).

It is anger you are experiencing. It is totally normal, you are very much allowed to feel all the anger in the world towards your abuser, it doesn’t make you one bit an abuser.
You don’t want power and control over him. You just feel angry at him. You were/are never allowed to feel anger in front of him or tell him what you truly felt so it is natural that it all surfaces up.

If you can use the anger and express it, shout at him, call him all names (without actually contacting him!), do sports and kick the s**t out of him on a boxing bag. In any case let it out, it is very normal and healthy.

An abuser would never reflect on himself asking himself if he would be the abuser. He feels entitled to it. They don’t doubt themselves. They are way to arrogant to even consider they are at fault.

You are not the abuser. He is.
You are just angry at him which is a perfectly normal reaction.

[dustypink]

Abusers don’t have their own forum where they ask “Am I doing right? Is it normal?”. They don’t care!

[I am…]

My partner often reminds me of the times that I have ‘lost it’, claiming this makes me an abusive person. I have accepted this on many occasions and agreed that I have a problem. My therapist has helped me to see that I am just expressing anger and frustration. You take and take it… and take it until you explode. The explosion just proves your humanity. It doesn’t mean you are inflicting abuse.

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks all I feel better knowing I’m not alone X

[survivorandproud]

Hi i.dont.know,

You are not the abuser. These man are very tactical in regards to their abuse. They will push it to a point where we have had enough and if we do anything to retaliate they adore it. Be very mindful they will always disregard their abuse, act like nothing happened, that we are dramatic. But if we even do the slightest minor thing in reaction to their abuse, they will relish in this and make it sound 10x worse, actually a 1000x worse. For example, my ex partner assaulted me in my car and took my car keys and phone away from me, I tried to get them back as I had enough of his behaviour and control, in doing so, I put my hand out to try and get my car keys and I slightly grazed his face. He started calling me the abuser and said he was going to ring the police and let everyone know how disgusting I am. I was just in total shock and devastation, the one time I tried to get my belongings back and he called me the abuser. Do not be fooled by the manipulation. Stay Strong x

[Notjustme]

I am lying here crying at your question (i am not a crier at all normally) and the responses because I am so overwhelmed. For years I have asked myself this same question, I have pondered about every time I lost it and fought back almost to the point where i have very nearly convinced myself that my ex was right and that it was actually me doing the abusing.
He smothered me in his idea of love, he wanted my every moment to be spent with him, he isolated me, he bad mouthed everyone I was close to, he told me that he couldn’t understand how I ever survived without him and when I dared to show that I didn’t need him 24/7 he convinced me that I was a bad person. He hid my phone and stole my car keys. He arranged secret dates with other women (I found the messages). He deliberately upset me by telling me that I’m fat and ugly and by telling me I should kill myself, he would get right in my face and act like the victim when I pushed him away. He would disappear for entire weekends and return with a bunch of flowers, feigning tears if I put them straight in the bin. I have often wondered if maybe he was right and I am just a bit sick and evil. After all, it was his right to go out all weekend with no contact, the women (who I knew nothing about and had never met) were his friends, he was clingy because he loved me so much, at least he brought me flowers. He convinced me that he was doing me a massive favour by being with me and that i should be eternally grateful. How dare i stick up for myself. The only emotion I was allowed to portray to this man was happiness and contentment even when I was over boiling with anger, resentment and frustration. He could be cold and distant and moody but it was my job to appease him, he would say, “That’s what women do for their men” and I would feel inferior if I couldn’t match up to his ideals of a perfect woman. In the beginning of our relationship he told everyone that I was the perfect woman, towards the end all his friends and family had the impression that I was evil and violent and manipulative.
I’m not going to lie, I still have a margin of doubt and think sometimes that maybe if I’d have just handled things a bit differently then I wouldn’t have caused him to abuse me and my child emotionally and physically. Thank goodness I also have a rational side whispering to me that actually I couldn’t have done any more if I had tried, that I’m entitled to feel raw negative emotion, that I’m justified in defending myself and my family. I just wish that whisper would speak up a bit louder and completely drown out his words.
I guess this is the same for many of us here, that really we’ve done as best as we can in our relationships and that at some point, when that is still not enough for that person who claims to love us, then our brains go into fight and flight mode all at the same time. It’s confusing, it’s heart breaking and it’s soul destroying. If I could go back to those moments in my life I would be able to tell myself that my fight was pointless, not because I didn’t have a point but because my point was completely lost on a (removed by moderator). I would have taken the flight mode a lot sooner but I know through hard experience that is easier said than done.
You are an abuser if you seek to manipulate, lie to, gaslight and control another person. Otherwise, you’re simply a normal human being.

[Twisted Sister]

I hit him. I am not proud but I couldn’t get away and backed into corners, he was always in my face spitting fury and I slapped him he just held my hands but carried on like I was less than a fly, barely skipped a beat,I couldnt hear anything he said just terrorised by the noise he made at me.

I still feel I was very wrong

[dustypink]

I also hit him once.
He was shouting at me in front of the kids “You are stupid!”, he repeated this 20 or 30 times and I just had to stop him.
This was a while ago when he could hurt me easily.
He was drunk and I don’t know really if he remembers this.

[Borntobefree]

Hi
I questioned myself if I was the abuser.. Because I picked up a knife to my ex.. These abusers provoke us to make us look abusive blame shift onto us.. They are evil 😈

[Twisted Sister]

I also rained my fists down on his back when he was attacking one of the children, but again it was as if I wàsnt even there. I did it with all my strength, again he didn’t even pause for breath! I was useless to stop him terrorising the children, and it didn’t leave and it didn’t get better, and I didn’t say anything to anyone.

I write that and read it back to myself and have no idea who that person was, really horrified at myself for doing it.

[Iwantmeback]

Lundy I too have spat at my husband, nothing ever comes out, I’ve an extremely dry mouth. Men spit all the time, it’s disgusting and it’s so degrading to be spat on. My oh does this when he has used up all the names he can think of, his anger gets the better of him and he spits on me. He even tried to bring it into sex, telling me you take sp..k down your throat, it’s just showing how much you love me. 🤮🤮

[Anonymous]

I spat at my oh and ended up with a police caution,even though I called them out that time and had called them numerous times before. I admitted what I’d done because I thought they’d take account of the provocation. They didn’t. Vv

[KIP.]

The police can only act on the evidence produced and since abusers are liars they won’t admit to anything. Leaving us vulnerable. Don’t admit to anything. While you are in contact with your abuser, he will simply set you up for a fall. I remember I could be hysterical while he was calm as a cucumber. I must have looked crazy. They set us up. Zero contact x

[EbonyRaven]

These tales are so familiar. I’ve had it brought up to me over and over again that I’ve tried to choke him, and that I went for him with a knife. Neither of which are true and only have the barest connection with the realities.
I went to push him away from me one night when he was getting in my face in bed, and he moved at the same time, meaning my arm pushed against his neck accidentally.
I was washing up, and washing a knife. He came up behind me quietly, I turned around quickly in surprise, still with the knife in my hand. Pointing downward I’ll add.
Apparently I’ve hit him too, although I have no recollection of an exact incident. No doubt it’s a time where I’ve accidentally put my hand against him because I’ve lost balance, or was trying to catch something that was falling or similar.

[Author]

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