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So (detail removed by moderator) in…(detail removed by moderator) living at his house and I’ve called him out on how he teats me yet he says its me now as I shut down when he’s had a go. I stay out of his way and go quiet. He says he knows what I’m doing. If I speak up to him he gets madder so I can’t win. (Detail removed by moderator) ago he came into my life. He was Prince charming. Gifts holidays kindness but wanted us to be together all the time. If I did anything alone he would make it uncomfortable. I’ve told him he’s controlling and abusive yet he says how can he be as I can do what I want. I can but if I do he sulks. I stay at home apart from popping to the shop or school run.. Everything else is with him to make him happy. He also says he’s only happy if I’m happy. I need support. I can’t leave. I’ve got an IVA and no guarantor. Three children of mine here. (detail removed by moderator) of his who lost the or mum to cancer. I’ve told him how I feel. And he says if I don’t like it here I can leave. I have no family to turn to. Every local support he knows as he’s a bif member of the community and I mean all areas around me too. He has a large family. We live in a small town. He complains if we don’t have sex and I believe he has cohersed me into other things that I can’t mention here. He has proof of it too that he could use against me. I need advise. I’ve already called helplines. I can not take my children to a hostel as my kids ex was abusive and his partner and him could attempt to take my children. I just need advise on rental with no guarantor and with iva.
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He can be the kindest man yet sulk like a child and be angry. Never laid a finger on me but the way he makes me feel is awful. I moved in with him. And have nothing of my own.. He used to pay money into my account but gradually withdrew that so now just leave money on the side for food if I need to go to the shops. He compliments me to his friends and family and I feel like his toy. I am. Younger than him. When we are alone we are happy. I do get stressed with the kids and this makes him wound up. He gets down and angry about me being stressed. I don’t feel like sex so he then starts the… I don’t like him stuff. I’m drained but have my whits about me. I know what I need to do just stuck.
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Apologies for typo mistakes. I typing this on my phone between other things. There are so many other things that have happened. Obsessions with certain friends of mine that make him. Mad. Especially my male gay friend he’s never met. He gets so wound up about him. How much I use my phone. I know he’s stalled me on social media. He admitted to messaging men who commented on my posts in the early days. All of these things I called him out on to which he gives great reasons leaving me feel like I’m going crazy. He’s lucky as I don’t have family on either side to turn to orto. I spend a lot of time on my own and don’t see my friends. My one best friend he critiseses. I used to be so positive and sociable. Now I do everything to make him happy but I’m not. I’m. Just making him Annoyed. Everyone thinks he’s great with me. Im So stupid. How do I ease away from this without grief from my children’s dad. I’m. So so stuck and heartbroken
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I am so sorry you’re in this situation, you’re not the abuser, absolutely not. He is. He thinks he’s invincible but he’s not. He’s a house of cards, need to find out which card to take out and his entire show will fall down and he’ll be exposed.
I am thinking about reporting him to the police. How does that sound to you? Will you be safe?
There will be a way out of this for you. You’re doing really well by reaching out to support. Go step by step. You have to make your move the best possible way since your ex also is abusive. Two enemies at once. You need a good exit strategy that won’t back fire. Keep reaching out to DA services and talk about your options.
You will get through this. Keep breathing darling, keep steady and keep your head cool to be able to focus. Don’t share any plans with him ok.
Sending you strength & keep posting -
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Same her. He was the sweetest at first. Not like the rest. He moved in and it changed. He didnt stop me going out but made me feel bad about going anywhere without him. Or if I told him to go see his kids or sister on his own just once he will say they wont like me if i dont go or they will think I’m being horrible. Wny cant he see them alone sometimes I’m.sure they dont want me there all the time they may want to spend Time with him sometimes.
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Hi FM, have you tried calling the helpline for advice? Sounds like you’re not allowed to be anything but happy which is not real life is it; that he doesn’t want to hear anything other than you are happy, anything else is sh!t he doesn’t want to deal with. This makes it your fault doesnt it, means he doesnt have to listen or change anything he’s doing, modify his behaviour, he doesn’t respond to you whereas someone respectful and kind would, would workout what needs to happen here, rather he attacks you for it; he does not, will not take on any personal responsibilty.
I was never allowed to show any vulnerable emotions, this was weak apparently, but can see now this was because he couldnt cope without me being anything other than ok, I had to be ok for him, ok to still wait on him, ok to meet his needs. Anything else was classed as sh!t he didn’t need. This is control! It controlled me, because it made me keep my mouth shut and fearful of saying anything that might upset him, which was what he wanted – silence.
Eventually I became withdrawn and kept how I felt to myself because I was only attacked and these feelings would be thrown in my face. I was just never allowed to be vulnerble. One of the beautiful things about being in a close, loving realtionship is that you can be vulneable though isn’t it, we all feel vulnerable at times, this is life, being with someone means you can share how you feel when you feel low and are loved and supported through it, you share the load. It really messed with my head at the time, to begin with I believed what he said because there was a grain of truth to what he said, but I can see now how he twisted everything.
I started to say nothing and observe him, and because I did this his verbal attacks stopped starting to hit, I could see he was just using whatever he could to try and wound me, the less info I gave him the more I could see what he was saying was not me, not right, nowhere near the truth of things.
I was like you, because I didn’t know how to deal with it I withdrew – then he would get angry with me for this saying I was immature giving him silent treatment, when it wasn’t this at all, I’d given up trying to talk as it was futile and I didn’t want the conflict which ensued if I did speak up. I was stuck. There was no point in talking about what I really thought and felt because he only told me you’re giving me sh!t. I couldn’t win, whatever I did was wrong.
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Thanks so much for the replies. It really helos. As long as he is making me happy he’s happy. If I have a problem and someone else fixes it or if someone else makes me happy the look on his face is discus. Inside he’s furious but tries to hide it. He wants me all to himself. Can anyone advise me on how to get help with a private let with no guarantor. I’ve called helplines and pretty much been told that If I’m desperate I need to go into a refuge. I will not do that as my children’s ex will see that as a weakness and his gf is a childminder and thinks she knows best about everything. Also blind to my exes manipulation as I was. I’m so stuck in a corner here with my cuttemt abuser and my children’s dad.
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Ring Shelter FM, they will be the best people to advise you here; it’s not impossble to get a private rental after an IVA, but obviously it narrows what is available, but there are still options. My friend went bankrupt and he’s always privately rented, he worked full time though as well, if you will need to apply for benefits this also reduces the options further. You’ll likely need a months rent and the deposit as well won’t you, although I’ve noticed some agencies have been waivering the deposit more recently to attract people in.
Sounds a worrying place to be, makes me wonder if going into refuge does present your ex with a window to swoop in? Have you checked this with WA? Would he really be able to use this against you? If so, is there anything that can be done to guard against this? x
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Oh pls do not wait until he hits you. He’s too clever, even if he hits he will do it in such way it won’t leave any marks. He knows exactly what he’s doing, he is obviously very aware he’s behaviour is wrong and it seems he’s observing you carefully at how you will handle this. Pls be careful. Do lean on da support to discuss your best exit strategy sharing with them all your concerns about your ex as well.
You don’t ever need to be hit to report him to the police, being scared of him is reason enough to call them, they will have to take your concern seriously and log the report.
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This all rings true with me too – not allowed to be in any way less than 100%, mustn’t show any negativity. I learnt that very early on in our relationship, felt uneasy about it, but decided to just go along with it, like someone said above, some grain of how they make you feel it is wrong to complain rings true.
Partner once said to me something along the lines of I should go and see a friend, I said I didn’t want to, and then he said something like “if I hit you then you can tell them all I’m an abuser” – can’t remember the exact words, but who the h**l says that?!
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Emotional abuse seems to be the most confusing. I have no bruises but am. Mentally confused and then feel sorry for him as he has a sad past with the loss of his wife who may I add also didn’t have a life away from her children or him. The rumours are that he was abusive towards her yet he tells me she was crazy. From what I’ve learnt she had mental health issues possibly bought on by him. She wouldn’t let her children out of her sight. People warned me about him but I felt sorry for him as he lost her to cancer and left many children behind. I’m. Now repensoble for some of them. My situation is very difficult. I can’t prove a thing. I can’t call anyone at the moment as we are on lockdown. I’m. Never alone but when I can ill call for more advise on the home front.
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