Am I the abuser ?

[Anonymous]

Don’t know where to start…
things were never peachy, he would always moan that he will never be able to pay for a good life. I have always said that as long as I will be able to work we would not have issues and that money is not that important. I know is sounds cliche..
I have always tried my best and failed to put his mind at ease whenever he would say that I deserve better and that I don’t need anyone else… he was always jealous.
He probably felt awkward that I was earning more as well.
I am currently paying the rent at this place and was paying for all the shopping until recently. I also took a loan because he had bad credit and told him that he will have to pay me back when I will go back to work.
I am currently on maternity leave and earning less…

I tried to help even with his daughter…
ever since I had the baby (detail removed by Moderator) ago things have gone from bad to worse. I had the audacity to ask him to wash their hands around the baby and he called me a b…h in front of his daughter. I freaked out. It wasn’t the first time that he was disregarding me in front of her. I had a moment when my brain just exploded and just thought .. I am paying for everything and I felt like a rug. He was wiping his feet all over me. Barely helping me with the baby, lost many nights alone, which is fine as I am worried for my baby but then for him to come home and tell me that all I do all day is sit on my a.. and watch s.. t telly… the house was a mess … he said that it is my own fault for not having naps when baby sleeps. I argued that I can’t as I need to eat, wash and sterilise bottles…
Whatever I would say he would undermine me. Tell me I am crazy, paranoid…
I freaked out and started shouting and swearing. I had enough.
Before this there was another incident when he came upstairs after another week of built up tension, and as I was feeding the baby he said that what kind of parent I am, when was the bottle made ? My blood boiled and went downstairs with the baby in my arms , gave him the baby and then kicked him (detail removed by Moderator). He told me that I was an idiot and that I will loose the baby. I begged him crying to do so, to please call the police and the social services. I had enough.
All the “(detail removed by Moderator)”
All the name calling, all the ignoring and undermining

(detail removed by Moderator) we had another row. He’s been sleeping in the other room for a while now. Not doing dishes, barely spending time with the baby basically not helping around… we kept having conversations, or at least I was with the wall, because he said the daughter was afraid of me , that he needs to consider the house a house share and that if he is worried and this is not a good environment as I am crazy and unstable then he should take her somewhere else. He used to take her to his parents. She had a thing where she got jealous that he was spending more time with baby so I said that it would be better and they would spend more time together.
He just agreed with me.. she came over again.
All fine until he went again through my things and I know it is ridiculous but he always does that and from what I know you don’t share towels and brushes.. I am paranoid I guess. But he went and again searched all over and took the (detail removed by Moderator). I asked him politely not to as they should not be shared. I was told to go f.. myself and that he can do whatever he wants. We goes through my drawers and says that they are his drawers even though the contents are mine .. I tried to take the (detail removed by Moderator)( how ridiculous!) and he pushed me , started again calling me names . Saying that I talk (detail removed by Moderator) ( English is not my first language ) telling his daughter that I am not her friend and that I have sent her to (detail removed by Moderator) without providing a (detail removed by Moderator)…
Everything I say is disregarded. Apparently he has the baby only when it’s convenient for me ( I asked if he would be available as I am overdue a cervical screening ) although (detail removed by Moderator) he’s only fed him in the morning and that was that.

I have asked him after the incident if he wanted to feed him and he said that he’d rather not. I should take care of him as I will get him anyway.

I am now feeling like hell because he will probably won’t want anything to do with my baby. I look at my baby and feel guilty and can’t stop crying
He has another two children from another relationship that he knows nothing of. He left when they were little and that was that.

I have tried to reason with him all this time. All I asked was to be a couple and make joint decisions and for basic hygiene. I might be fixated on the hygiene but I pointed out that nails need to be cut especially if they are dirty underneath and they are coming from a house that has a dog as well. I might have hit a cord there as I was told that I am overbearing and that I should go and live in a sterile environment , like a hospital. Then baby was told “jokingly “ not to stick his fingers in his mouth as he will die.

I am lost. I have no one. Every time I would speak to someone I would be made to feel guilty and scared not to upset him so I ended up not speaking to anyone. He would say that I can speak to people but when he would hear the sound of a text he would change. I can’t even speak to his mum as I was told off for “speaking behind his back”
I went on forums to ask for help and just to talk to someone as I feel like I am going crazy. I told him eventually and he said that yes, get advice from other crazy women…
The same happened with the HV… needing advice. What for? He has so much experience , is what he said.

He constantly said I was jealous of his daughter and to be fair I am jealous. And I told him that I am jealous that he can be nice to other people and treat me like I am worthless if we are not having sex. He used to touch me inappropriately before and used to make me uncomfortable when the daughter was around and one time we even did it in the bathroom when she was waiting in the sitting room. He even used to take naked pictures of me without me knowing, when I was asleep and also in the shower… I asked him to delete them but to no avail. Now because I have told him he is putting pressure on me with regards to sex I don’t even get a “good night”.

Everyday being told to go f.. myself. Even for picking baby up from the cot to soothe him.

He used to say bad things about his daughters mum before as well. That she is paranoid and that the girl is being spoiled…and that he is a cash cow.

Told him our relationship is not healthy and need to do something that is best for baby.
He made me feel like I was nagging.
I have tried every day in the past (detail removed by Moderator) months to get through to him but he would constantly change his mind. If today giving baby stuff that cannot be sterilised before 6 months would be bad tomorrow it would be the opposite. He would come home from work late in the evening saying that he won’t be able to stay up for the feed and then changing his mind. Making me feel like hell because apparently I have a hidden agenda.

Everything that I do needs to be researched and everything he does is the best.

He’s been saying for weeks that he is looking for a place and nothing. He clearly does not care about us and it breaks my heart for my little one..

[Anonymous]

Was I crazy to expect support? I had mentioned PND and he said I should get myself sorted..

All these red flags…

[Grey Rock]

No you are not an abuser. You are exhausted and being gaslighted. No doubt this is not new behavior for him.

Sending prayers and a hug.

You have no reason to feel guilty. Can you talk to women’s aid and get some help via them? They helped me a lot. Even just being able to talk openly about everything is useful as it clears your mind so you can make decisions easier.

This is unlikely to get better.

Whose name is the house in?

GR

[Anonymous]

Thank you, Grey Rock!
I made a bit of time tonight and finally gathered the courage to email women’s aid.
I know there is a stigma around social services and all that and just did not want him to have problems… and also because I am scared that he will twist my words. He knows I have very low self esteem and also very insecure about my english hence why is he constantly mocking me and using that against me. He will not admit to anything ever making me feel crazy, like I am imagining things.

The house is in both our names. The lease is now only on a month to month basis.

He kicked me out before from another property and I did not know that he can’t do that and I left.. even to this day he is throwing in my face the fact that I left him with the bills..

I just want it over and done with. And I have tried to reason. When I said that I would leave he said that I am doing it again, leaving him with all the bills. If I tell him to go I have no right to do that. If I leave with the baby he might say that I have kidnapped him.. God knows what else. I just want peace and quiet. To be able to raise my boy. I would’ve loved for them to have a good relationship, to raise him together, and for him to be in his life but it seems that he will do the exact opposite.. just to spite me. He can see that I am suffering. I am the type of person that will take everything seriously and to heart and I think he knows this..

I can’t stop feeling guilty and really hoping my child will not hate me for growing up without his daddy.

[Grey Rock]

Please don’t feel guilty. Abusive people don’t make good parents!

Women’s Aid will be able to advise you on how to approach getting out.
In the meantime play your cards close to your chest. Don’t tell him anything about what you going to do. You can prepare better if he’s not on your case. This is a time to start making safe and gathering your most important resources.
Changing passwords on accounts and devises can take a while but does make you safer if you leave or he has to.

If you have never had a Claire’s Law disclosure read to you about him, now might be a good time to arrange that?

Gather together any important paperwork you would not want to lose and put it somewhere safe that he can’t get near it.

Make emergency bags for you and the baby and get these put somewhere safe.

Learn as much as you can about the abuser mindset so you can stop being surprised by his attitude and exploits and see through the mind games.
Dr Ramani has a you tube video about the things they’ll do when you leave them and watching that kept me sane and strong in my resolve. Mine did every single thing she’d said about. And if I hadn’t watched that video the whole thing would’ve been more traumatic and I wouldn’t have understood what was going on.

I used to think my ex was a one off. Coming on here and listening to Dr Ramani I’ve realized that he is a type, and there are lots just like him.

You do not owe this man your life. You can take it back and reclaim your energy and happiness.

GR

[Anonymous]

Thank you ever so much for the advice Grey Rock. I will make the time to have a look.
I have contacted my local authorities today as I have tried again to talk to him about the joint tenancy situation and the fact that I need to know his plans as I will be penniless. He said that I can always forfeit the deposit… I am fuming
He doesn’t give a rats behind and I have lost my appetite and even when I get the chance I can barely sleep.
Booked an appointment with my gp as well. Broke down in tears that I am having to drag my baby around with me everywhere

[Pears2021]

Hi, this sounds like reactive abuse. I can also see isolation, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. It also sounds like he is trying to use his mother as a flying monkey. And also, with changing his mind as you said above, it sounds like gaslighting to me.
I also think there is nothing wrong with wanting to be hygienic, especially when you have a baby.

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