Am I the abuser?

[Discombobulated2022]

Evening all
I’ve questioned this so many times over recent years.
I’ve asked professionals , friends, family. My family said I’m a shadow of my former self and not the same person anymore.
The professionals say no.
Yet when I ask him about DA perp courses, he asks whether I am going to come with him and talk about how I abuse him?!
I’m so worried I am. I look back and try to think if I am. I’ve done on line tests as to whether I’m a n********t (I’m not) but every time he says it I worry. I’d hate to be an abuser and would want to change things if I were.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Discombobulated2022

You have answered your own question there, whilst you are anxious about this, its only him telling you that you are a n********t that makes you think you might be. You already have the professionals tellng you are not, but you will not get him to accept its him, nor to a perpetrator programme, because he will always see you as being the problem.

My understanding is that perpetrators rarely consider themselves the problem, and rarely benefit from perpetrator programmes.

Abuse is not the same as marcissism. We’re all a bit narc, its the nature of being a human, but the way its spoken about online often is in relation to someone having the personality disorder, which of course, noone can assess, and even if he was diagnosed with this, that still wouldn’t excuse him as an abuser, because they are differnt things.

I hope you can see that in blaming you he is just protecting himself, and now sees you as the abuser, so what are your options when you can’t change him, and he unlikely to change himself, but will likely just keep blaming you?

He’s showing you who he is in his behaviour and the way he speaks Save yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Author]

Posts