am I the abuser for hitting him?

[miss-sunshine]

. I feel totally alone and (removed by moderator) I went to far. My partner was trying to shout his point across at me as always, I begged him to just stop talking and let me calm down, but he never stops and all he ever says are things that make him the victim. I had to physically kick him out. I’ve completely cracked this time and now I don’t know if I am the abuser. please help.

He left the house (removed by moderator) then came back and began shouting out his point again. I just couldn’t bare it any more and I started hitting him to try to make him stop. But it doesn’t work, he just goes on and on and seems to like it when I totally loose my head because he can make out that i’m the crazy one.

I know it’s a terrible thing to hit someone but I feel totally cornered like I have no chose, This morning I just can t get my head around any of it. It’s been going on for so long that I don’t even know anymore if i’ve turned into the abuser myself. He is feeling all sorry for himself today and I am a complete wreck and so scared about what to do.

I’ve been looking for rooms to rent but he keeps looking up my history on my laptop and deleting all my accounts when i try to contact people. Im stuck, Im desperately sad and now I can say I am a physical abuser myself. How do you see through the fog when they push you to total insanity and all you can do is swing your arms around to no avail to try to physically get them away from you. How do I stay calm when he says the most thoughtless and hurtful things relentlessly without even the slightest thought for what I might need or feel. I can’t beleive it has come to this. how did my beautiful relationship turn so bad?

here is a little context of how it’s gotten this bad i’ve cut and pasted this from my previous post so sorry for posting it again:

Hello I am new here and have only just admitted to myself that I have been putting up with phycological abuse and it is now effecting my physicals and mental health
I have been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) years. for the first year we were the perfect couple. then the cracks began to appear. He started to become very attached and really depressed if I had to do something without him or even go to work.
He has recently been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) which now, looking back, explains all the outbursts or rage, crazy arguments and completely insane thinking and obsessing coming from him. Over the years if things don’t go exactly how he wanted or he’s not getting enough affection from me then he will go into fits of rage and start lashing out at objects around the house. He’s never hit me (he dragged me down to the floor once but i don’t know if that counts) but it doesn’t stop me from shaking with fear and curling up into a ball in fits of tears more times than i can count.

Our lives are totally intertwined as we (detail removed by Moderator) together and i invested everything in him and in us as a team.
but I have no strength left to keep putting up with his mental breakdowns that happen frequently on a cycle and never end until he has managed to scream all his anger at me until i am completely broken and fall to my knees screaming myself, which I hate to do, I am not a screamer. once hes made me scream he turns it around and says ‘look how angry and horrible you are, i think it might be you with the problem’

I am completely exhausted and now that he has his new diagnosis he is using it as an excuse to go insane when ever he wants. He says he is ill, doesn’t mean what he says, and i must stay because he is trying to get better, but he never does.
After his outbursts he pretends all is fine and our life is good and theirs’s nothing to worry about and our future is bright.
But inside i am broken, lost and traumatized. I get so confused in these times that it leaves my head so mangled that i give up on the idea of leaving.

I know I need to leave now, i’m starting to realize that i’m being abused.

He tells me id be wasting everyones time as other people are way worse off than me. What can I do? How can I start the ball rolling for a better peaceful life? I’m so confused and exhausted i don’t even know where to begin 🙁

I’ve read a few posts on here and you all sound so supportive. I’m just so tired and I need someone to point me in the right direction of where to start. I have applied to my local council for emergency housing but i Havent herd back.

[ISOPeace]

I’m sorry to hear how bad you’re feeling. It sound really horrible.

I can assure you 100% that you are not a abuser. Abuse is all about control and power. Hitting someone to defend yourself is not the same and using violence to maintain control of another person. Abuse is all about what the abuser wants and how they feel. Abusers are not interested in the perspective of their partner, the just want their partner to meet their needs. It is very clear from your post that he has a lot of power over you and is using very typical abuser tactics, for example:

– You say he seems to like it when you lose your head so you look like the crazy one. You’re right. He wants the focus of the problem to be on you so you don’t see the reality that he is an abuser. He may even enjoy the power of being able to push your buttons.
– If you had power over him you wouldn’t be looking for somewhere to live (you’d simply be able to kick him out)
– He is preventing you finding somewhere else to live by exerting his control over your laptop. He is not allowing you the basic right of choosing where to live.
– He is violating your boundaries, as all abusers do, by not giving you physical space when you ask for it.
– His fits of rage (violence or no violence and btw dragging you to the floor most definitely is violence) are done to intimidate you. They show you how powerful he is. How far he’ll go if you don’t do what he wants. He can see it works as you have described shaking, curling up and crying. He may have BPD, but does he have these fits of rage in public or with anyone else? If not, it’s a clear sign that he is in control of how he behaves. In any case, someone who genuinely cared for your wellbeing would take steps to make sure they didn’t treat you that way and if they genuinely were out of control they’d leave.
– He makes it all your fault and makes you feel ashamed for how you feel (look how angry and horrible you are….). This keeps you confused and trapped in thinking you need to change.

You ask how your beautiful relationship turned so bad. I think most of us on here have asked that. It’s because in the early stages with an abuser, he is working to gain control over you. He makes you feel special and like the relationship is the best thing ever to get you emotionally invested. He may feel like he genuinely loves you, but his idea of love is about possessing, not loving. The ‘honeymoon phase’ could never last.

It’s interesting that his BPD didn’t seem to be a problem when all seemed good at the start. I think that shows the BPD is not the cause of the abuse. People are abusive because they believe they are entitled to manipulate and control another person to get them to meet their needs. Mental health conditions don’t create that belief, although they could make it worse.

I would recommend reading up on abuse to better understand what’s going on. I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You might also want to see a post I started on the best advice people have had here: https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/positive-post-whats-the-best-advice-info-youve-had/

Please reach out to Women’s Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline if you can and keep posting on here.

Your abuser wants all your focus an energy to be on him. If you can start to focus on yourself, you can start to take power back. It may not be easy because she’s spent a long time convincing you that his needs are more important than yours, so just take baby steps.

You are not an abuser. He is the abuser and how he treats you is not your fault in any way. Sending lots of love xxxx

[miss-sunshine]

Thank you so much ISOpeace for your through message, you have no idea (actually im sure you do) how much i needed to hear these things. i will do the things you’ve advised to ty and understand what is happening to me. thank you so much, this forum is my only support right now. i am trying to move out I just hope I can find the strength to get out and stay out.

[HunkyDory]

Hi there, don’t worry you are not an abuser. I had the exact same with my ex husband. He regularly pushed me to my absolute mental and emotional limits and twice I just snapped and went for him physically. In hindsight he could have killed me – his abuse later escalated to violence before he left and I ended up in hospital – but I didn’t care in that moment because he had pushed one button too far. He wasn’t hurt but same as yours felt very sorry for himself afterwards and I felt bad too. I don’t now because time has passed and I see it for what it was. They just love to get us into this state so they can put on the puppy dog eyes and turn everything around on us.

I hope you can find a way to get out soon xx

[miss-sunshine]

Hi HunkyDory thank you so much for your message, i’m so sorry to hear you ended up in hospital, that is really scary, I didn’t think my partner could escalate to pysical violence but today as I am acting cool and calm (at least im trying to so that i don’t loose myself again) it is sending him into a frenzy. I keep making the mistake of telling him my plans and he has just (detail removed by moderator) because i won’t tell him everything in fine and we can go back to normal like none of these things really happen. I feel paralyzed but so grateful for the support on here

[HunkyDory]

I never thought it would escalate either. The first time it happened he was “so sorry” and that was only a little scratch on my hand. Fast forward 4-5 years, physical intimidation and violence became the norm, the default setting when things escalated and I dared to argue back. It’s really important that you think about getting away as soon as you can. He won’t change and their behavior worsens over time. Don’t let it come to that, and plan your escape safely. Best of luck x

[gettingtired]

You’re not an abuser! You’ve been pushed to the absolute brink, we’re all human and can only take so much. It’s awful what they do to us! It’s so toxic, they make us behave completely out of character. I’m not a violent person but I’ve lashed out physically at my boyfriend or hit myself in the past when he’s pushed me way too far and I’ve felt like I’m going insane. I feel so guilty for that but he’s attacked me physically on a number of occasions and psychologically terrorised me beyond belief. Whereas I was reacting to being bullied and abused.
Please reach out for support, you could call the National abuse helpline to speak to someone. Sorry if others have already recommended that, I haven’t had a chance to read through the comments. You’re not alone x

[miss-sunshine]

Thank you gettingtired. I’m not sure if I’ve replied to your message but I really appreciate you taking the time to right your message and relate with your own story. Yes I forget that I have also hit myself out of pure desperation for him to stop and realize that he’s pushing me to far. It leaves me exhausted for days. But I’m really hoping my plans will come through so I can get out soon

[Anonymous]

Hi Miss-Sunshine,

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
As I was reading your post about how terrifying he gets, and how you curl up frightened. I thought, how can a man do that to anyone?
You hit the nail on the head when you said he uses the BPD diagnosis as an excuse.
My ex accused me of being an abuser. But the truth is, he was the one controlling me, and he did whatever he wanted.
Look up reactive abuse. It might help explain what he is doing.
I’m so conscious of how I treat other people and for growing as an individual, that his tactic to get me to look at myself worked really well.
My ex could cry on the spot to make me feel guilty for hurting him, and it was all just manipulation to get his way.
The comments he makes like ‘not affectionate enough’ or something similar reminded me of a book that was recommended on this forum to me. It’s called ‘How he gets into her head’ by Don Hennessy.
Hopefully you can get housing soon. Careful with how he monitors you online. That is so controlling.
We’re here for you. You are not alone xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Miss Sunshine

I too have hit my husband, on several occasions, and I feel truly ashamed of myself afterwards. I have been questioning myself as to whether this makes me an abuser also, so, your post and the responses have been beneficial to me also, thank you. I think it is important to remind ourselves that we are beautiful, loving people who have been taken over and pushed into a tight corner with no escape. It isn’t therefore surprising that we lash out in absolute desperation when we reach our maximum limit and we feel we can’t take any more. So you are certainly not alone, and my husband plays the big victim afterwards too. Its still early days for me on this forum, and the more information I learn about abuse will, hopefully, as time goes on, enable me to react differently, or rather not react at all,therefore enabling me to stay calmer and not get so angry with him. I hope you can gain support and comfort from these posts. Sending you strength, and a big hug x*x

[miss-sunshine]

Hello secretlife x thank you for you message and I’m sorry to hear you are going through this too.
As an update he found out that I’m leaving him through reading my messages and totally kicked off , smashing the house punching himself in the face and even raised his fist to me this time. I called the police because I needed to get to work and he wouldn’t stop. I was calm but scared and didn’t know what else to do. He has now been in a cell all day and I am so twisted up with different emotions. I still care about him and didn’t want them to take it this far. He must be terrified in there and now his family have turned on me saying that its help that he needs not the police.
I’m so desperately sad and don’t know how I’m gunna get through this.
It hurts the most that his family who used to love me now think that I have done him wrong and done the wrong thing.
I was in such a state of extreme stress in that moment that I called the police and now I wish I didn’t as it’s made it all do much worse

[ISOPeace]

Abusers make us feel like we don’t have the right to look after ourselves. But it is always OK to protect your physical and emotional wellbeing.

You didn’t take the decision to call the police lightly. You have been pushed to your limits repeatedly over a long period of time and your partner was threatening you physically. Anyone who thinks you should have done anything different is showing zero empathy and thought to your safety. It’s actually quite shocking that anyone should be critical of you taking action to avoid physical assault. They are seeing him as a victim, but he has had a long time to choose to get help. Instead he has chosen to continue to abuse and control you through fear and intimidation. If he was truly incapable of controlling himself, he would also abuse you in public. He is not the victim here.

Unfortunately family/friends of abusers (and sometimes people you’d expect to be on your side) are also susceptible to his manipulation. His family won’t want to admit to themselves he’s an abuser. It’s an indirect criticism of them and it’s highly likely that his dad is similar to him, so he won’t see a problem and other family members may be unwilling to admit to being victims of abuse. Acknowledging that he is abusing you would mean acknowledging their own situation.

There may be some impacts from this that are difficult. But he might have seriously injured you, or worse. You did what you had to do and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Xxxx

[miss-sunshine]

Hello ocean thank you so much for you message also. And for the tips on what I should be looking at to help me understand. Your ex sounds very similar to mine. It’s heartbreaking that so many women are going through this. Im glad you found a way out though and I hope you are back to you natural loving self xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Miss Sunshine

I am so sorry to read your update, it must be so very hard for you. I have never experienced physical abuse to I won’t advise or comment, other than to say that your safety is absolutely paramount. My heart goes out to you. I’m sending you strength and love x*x

[miss-sunshine]

Hey guys, just an update. So had to call the police because he found out I was leaving and completely hit the roof, he finally raised his fists to me, smashed up the house, repeatedly hit himself in the face and threatened to kill himself, and me and ruin my life. The police arrested him and held him in a cell all day. It obviously must have been aweful for him and I worried about him all day. But when he got out he went crying to his family and told them how awful it was and what a terrible ordeal he’d been through. It has made me realise that he really doesn’t care what it was like for me and it’s all about him. I’ve done loads of research over the last few day whilst staying at my friends house.
I’ve been learning about narsassists and there patterns of abuse and I’m hoping it will help me keep my cool today when I have to see him for a professional commitment.

Any words of support or encouragement to help me get through the encounter today would so much appreciated. Sending out heaps and heaps of love to anyone feeling confused, trapped and isolated today x

[ISOPeace]

Wow miss-sunshine, I am so happy that you’ve seen through his behaviour so quickly! You are absolutely right. For an abuser, it is all about them and their needs. They don’t have any empathy for us, so we can never trust them. If we’re lucky, our mutual needs are similar, but if they conflict, you can bet that the abuser will make hell for us.

When I had learnt a bit about abuse, I found it really helpful to remind myself that his behaviour was all about control. It didn’t feel so hurtful or personal when I did that. I found myself almost being amused at the ridiculous things he would do to try to manipulate me, like repeatedly turning the wi-fi off when I was working from home.

Be aware that any contact with him can mess your head up. I didn’t really appreciate this until I’d left. I thought, well it can’t be as bad as living with him. But if he’s nice or nasty, it can strengthen the trauma bond. I would strongly advise you to be as detached from him as possible. Don’t engage in any more conversation than you need to, even if it just seems like small talk. Assume everything he’s doing is to get into your head.

Btw, I don’t think all abusers are n*********s, although they share an awful lot of common traits. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reading up on n********m, but some of it might not apply. E.g. n*********s are said to discard partners when they feel they’ve served their purpose and move onto another victim, but it’s very common for abusers to not regularly discard partners. Just bear it in mind if you read something that doesn’t fit well with your partner.

I hope it goes well today. I sometimes think of a mantra in advance of difficult situations, which I try to say regularly in my head when I’m in the situation. E.g. “He just wants to control me, but I’m strong and safe away from him”. Sending lots of love and strength xxxx

[Zlea]

Thank you for sharing your post, I have wondered this about myself too. My ex would really confuse me and I’m learning about gas lighting, he would get close to your face and tell me to calm down, even though I would feel calm initially. I must wanted him out of my face, I slapped his leg to get him away. I’d told him to stop shouting and to move back. He would use this against me for our entire relationship. He would say I was like everyone else out to hurt him. He would say how he had really tried to help and love me. It didn’t matter the things he had done to me or the confusion creation he made. I felt and still feel on bad days that I was the one in the wrong. But it’s just another one of their tactics to get control.

I am sorry he raised his fists at you and smashed things. This is not your fault at all. I hope your commitment went as well as can be. Sending support and positive thoughts.
Sitting with you.

[Author]

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