Am I the bad one cause I don’t want to be with him anymore??

[feelingnumb]

So I feel like I’m really getting to the point where I can’t go on anymore. For weeks it’s been we are finished no we are not, ok finished again, nope back together and so on. I’ve given loads of chances when really they’ve not been deserved. I’m strong one minute then weak the next. Always give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe he can change? I’m just exhausted now though and really don’t think it’s good for my mental health continuing in such an emotionally abusive relationship. He makes me feel bad and guilty cause he says recently “he’s tried harder than me and shown more love”. I probably haven’t put 100% in to things but I’m so sick of being verbally abused and made to feel like a piece of s**t. I think I know deep down that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I’m just struggling to get away which makes no sense to me as we have no ties together. He tugs at my heart strings and that’s why I end up staying. Then I look at all the vile messages he’s sent and I think what the heck are you doing??!! Walk away!! Now I’m sitting feeling guilty and feeling sorry for him and thinking am I the bad one because I’m giving false hopes?? So am I the baddy now?? Every time I give him a chance though he ruins it. I know that I need to just make a final decision and stick to it, I’m just struggling to do it and I don’t know why. I don’t get how he can be so vile to me and then loving again? If I’m all the bad things he says I am then why does he want to stay?? But then why do I stay when he is so horrific to me? Just feeling very confused tonight and looking for the strength to just say f**k you! And walk away for good! Xx

[survivorandproud]

Hi feeling numb,

I read your post and honestly I sit in shock to how similar it is to my recent situation. I also had no ties with my partner but he was excellent at manipulating me and making me believe he was sorry, would change etc. The main piece of advice I can give is that it will get worse. Each time you go back in his eyes is a validation of his behaviour. He is so vile to you as he needs to belittle your self esteem so you are more vulnerable and you find it even more difficult to leave him. He puts the guilt onto you as this makes him look innocent. I have been in your position, and it will be extremely hard to leave, you have a trauma bond with your ex. But you need to leave and have no contact, block off everything. If there’s any hassle contact the police. You need to get out now before things get worse for yourself. Put yourself and your safety first. Good luck and stay strong x

[Lisa]

Hi feelingnumb,

Thank you for posting about how you feel, I hope it helps a bit to get it out. I agree with survivorandproud above. Emotional abuse can be incredibly confusing and exhausting. The confusion or fog it creates is part of the abuse. Sadly he is choosing to behave this was to have power and control over you. It’s him who has made you feel guilty but you honestly have nothing to feel guilty about and you are entitled to decide not to be with him anymore.

It is normal for it to feel very difficult to end the relationship, there are so many reasons why. Try to be patient and kind to yourself and try to trust that you will know when the time comes. But also be aware that abuse can escalate at the time of separation so please prioritise your well-being and safety. Keep talking and getting as much support as you can.

I think it would be really helpful for you to speak to a Helpline support worker about this, so please consider calling the confidential 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk through your feelings, discuss your options and signpost you to other support.

Keep posting, there’s always support for you here.

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

I do think that the abuse is the cause of much guuilt and feeling of blame andfault, and its a very strong tie to keep us there for fear we are being nasty or unsympathetic or unkind, but you could walk away for far less, just simply because you don’t want to be in the relationship aymore. It’s the over-intensity that leaves you feeling this way.

You can move forward guilt-free if you want to go. He will blame you of course, its worth expecting that.

Get your all your supports around you and safety advise to do this safely and wellsuported. We are all here for you to keep talking it through.

Warmest wishes ts

[feelingnumb]

Thankyou. I’m glad I’ve signed on today. So I was weak again and thought let’s move on with things and try get back to what we were when I fell in love. We went on a date, not been on one in ages, I loved it, I loved spending quality time with him. Kissing him, hugging him, laughing together. Then the next day I’m not with him and he starts saying stuff like I’ve changed recently, I don’t tag us in social media anymore together, I change plans all the time and only squeeze him in when I’ve got nothing better to do, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t tag us in things anymore cause I’m so fed up with getting kicked from his Facebook page and then having to get re added. So yeah maybe I’m slightly stronger and that’s what has changed? For the past year all I have done is spend all my extra spare time with him. If I’m not with my kids I’m with him. I don’t go to the gym unless it’s with him. I don’t go out running any more, I haven’t been out with my friends or been on a night out so how can it be that I only see him when I’ve nothing better to do?? I’m sitting totally doubting myself thinking oh god have I really been selfish and do I not show him enough love and affection?? But I felt like the other night it was me making all the moves for kisses and hugs. I also got accused of doing something to my Facebook cause he couldn’t see something on it so instantly he says I’m hiding something. It was a fault with Facebook nothing to do with me but still accuses me. I’m just feeling so drained and down. When he says stuff like that’s fine I know how little I mean to you I just need to accept it, it really upsets me cause I’ve put so much time love and energy in to him. I haven’t done anything for myself In so long, so how can he say otherwise. Totally mentally drained today. Xx

[dustypink]

Mine also always told that i don’t spend much time with him. And when i asked – what does it mean – how do you want to spend time – any suggestions?? He could just say “we could have some extra sex “))
So actually he didn’t need this time, he just needed something he could blame me with.
Same about gym, I went just twice a week but he mentioned almost every day that I have time for gym, but don’t have to make dinner or spend time with him or something else.
They just use everything to blame us, there is no reason, there is just occasion.
Everything I was doing for myself or in my own interest was used by him to blame me.
He just needed me to feel guilty all the time for everything in my life.

[survivorandproud]

My ex partner also had a big issue with me going to the gym. He used to message me demanding me to come back. I think they hate us doing anything where we could improve ourselves physically or mentally. They want all the attention. We need to put ourselves first x

[feelingnumb]

My behaviour has changed but it’s changed in the sense that I stand up to him and I don’t let him treat me the way I used to let him. Even though I still always go back for more cause I give the benefit of the doubt and give chance after chance only for him to go back to the bad behaviour. If I went to the gym on my own instead of going and seeing him he’d say I’m meeting someone or it’s cause I want to eye up the guys there. He says he would spend 7 days a week with me and always puts me first as I’m his number one, so cause one night I was going to my friends he says my actions show I don’t want him. Says he didn’t have an issue with me going out, it’s the fact I changed plans. But if it wasn’t an issue then why go on about it so much? Everything gets monitored, tells me when I’m active online on social media, I feel like I’ve got to remember everything I’ve commented on, liked, because he might quiz me on it and try catch me out for something. I’m just so sick of doubting myself and thinking maybe I am the one who is doing something wrong? All my energy has been sucked out of me and I’m fed up looking sad and not making an effort on my appearance anymore. Xx

[survivorandproud]

What you are describing is abuse. He tries to normalise situations and make out his actions are normal because he ‘cares’ or he ‘loves you’. Probably rationalises his behaviour because if he didn’t love you he wouldn’t do this? He will say he doesn’t have an issue with you going out so he doesn’t look controlling, this is what normalising behaviour is, however, he is constantly manipulating you. I kept going back to my ex partner and it got worse and worse and worse. It is extremely difficult and confusing but find your inner strength, speak to a helpline or someone you can trust and leave this relationship. If you ever need to remind yourself why you need to leave, watch this
(detail removed by moderator) It is American but it is what got me through leaving my ex. Good luck and remember how strong you are! X

[survivorandproud]

The details got removed but it is called ‘unmasking the abuser’ it’s a video x

[Confused123]

what blood suckers these abusers can be, hun i think u know deep down his wrong for u , play him at his own game. First u need to mentally in your own head confirm its over, then just stay busy and dont meet as much , if he goes off in a trantrum which he will say look its not gonna work out , lets call it quit. just watch how his behaviour is, he will fall into your trap and validate why u shouldn’t be with him , dont give in to his requests. glad to hear u getting stronger but ask yourself what is it that makes u want him as a partner, write all the pros and cons about him, if the cons are bigger , then end it

[Iwantmeback]

Hi confused123 . I was just thinking last night,(couldnt sleep again) that i needed to do a pro/con list. Thank you fir reminding me. I’d forgotten, why do I keep forgetting stuff all the time. I forget what he tells me to do all the time. (I think in those instances I’ve got so used to switching off when he’s yelling, that i either haven’t heard him or he’s not really said the stuff in the first place) so why do i forget stuff i need to do too??
IWMB💕💕

[Author]

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