Am I the bad person in the relationship?

[Lilo]

Hi everyone, (detail removed by moderator), new in this country and brought here by my husband who works here (detail removed by moderator). We had been dating for around (detail removed by moderator) years before we finally got married. At first i thought he’s such a very nice person, a family man, loving, caring, he even care about my mom and other family members. So then, I decided that he should be an ideal husband.

Problem has actually occured during our long distance relationship. He somehow has this tendency to accuse me of cheating on him. That accusation usually just came out from nowhere and i didn’t even know how to explain to him coz i didn’t know where all those came from. Even though i told him that his accusation is baseless and not true, he still insisted that he’s right because he is a ‘very intelligent and smart person’ and an ‘idiot’ like me can never be able to fool him. Later i know that he was drunk when he said all those things, he apologized, promised that such things will not happen again, that he trusted me, etc etc.
But guess what? Of course it happens again and again and again and again, even until we got married and living together now.

I was a very independent woman before i came here to join him as her wife. I had a full time job, good income, able to make a living for myself and my mom without having to ask money from anyone. That’s the kind of life that my husband took away from me when i came here.

Since i came here, almost every week we have a fight, then followed by him drinking until he get drunk then missed work on the next day. The issue itself actually a very small issue that should not even be something to fight for. It is like something that you will forget the next day after an overnight sleep. But with him, he always takes it the hard way. Getting drunk and then talking nonsense the whole night and refuse to let me sleep. Of course during that period, there are curses, insults and threats involved. Like I’m stupid, idiot, has a f***ed up mind, prostitute (detail removed by moderator), gold digger, thief (i never asked him to buy me any fancy things just to satisfy myself), chased me out of the house, and challenge me to report what he has done and told me that noone will ever believe me or even take care of my problem seriously. Several times he did threat me to report me to police for whatever reason he thought valid (which to me is just stupid so i challenged him back to just make the police call and report me for whatever it is and stop making noise to me) and ended up he was just bluffing.

I’m writing all this now because the same thing is happening again now. (detail removed by moderator) I was sick and my body was all so painful when i move. Bad thing is i keep waking up during the night to go to toilet so after i woke up the first time, i decided just to go and sleep upstair without waking him up. Guess what? It became a war the next day. Accusations of trying to get rid of him, or i move so i can spread my legs for another man while he’s sleeping downstairs (i did not even bring my phone with me), playing drama as i make him feel lonely and i don’t love him, etc etc. It went all night long while he’s making himself so drunk. He blamed me for his drinking behavior. He blamed me for missing work. In short, during the bad days, he blames me for everything.

To be honest, sometimes i think and reflect on what i have done, whether i really did a fatal mistake that someone can get so broken like that. And i did try to make correction for myself so i won’t upset him again in the future.
But sometimes, like now, i just think that it is him who’s thinking too much and stress out himself to that extent. I just don’t know… I started getting myself confused of what’s right and what’s wrong. I am seriously thinking of leaving him right now because his behavior is just too much for me. Whatever I do, somehow he will always find a reason to make it as an excuse for him to behave that way. And then, it would all be my fault, not him.

All his promises about stop drinking at home never last more than 1 week. The most recent one was made (detail removed by moderator) he made himself drunk again, and he still is drinking now so i guess this horror will not end just yet. I’m feeling desperate and helpless because I have nowhere else to go, and i have no one in this country but him. So… I just dont know…

[KIP.]

Hello, he is a very typical abuser. Isolate you. Confuse you with his lies and false promises. Blame you for everything. There is a book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. I would also advise you to ring the helpline number on here and contact your local women’s aid. Sadly, abuse always gets worse and they don’t change. I found reading other posts very helpful. To know many abusers use the same tactics is shocking but opened my eyes to the fact that he is an abuser.

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