Am I the problem?

[Purpleperidot]

I apologise for this being a long post but I’m feeling so confused and really need advice.

I don’t know if my husband has been abusive towards me or if I’m the problem.

The past (detail removed by moderator)years I’ve gone through (detail removed by moderator)close bereavements so maybe I’m just oversensitive and very depressed. Our marriage has felt off for a long while to me.

I’ll just list some of things that have gone on:
Husband became imersed in religion (after a bereavement so maybe this is why). He became cold and distant and said he’d talk more with me if I became interested in religion too.

Suddenly my hobbies and interests became a problem for him and not fitting with religion so I should give them up. We fell out about this and the issue still not resolved he never apologised for upsetting me.

He went through a difficult time at work at the same time I lost someone close to me. I believe he wasn’t able to support me much even though I tried to be there for him. This was an unbearable time.

He clashed with my mum and was uninterested in seeing things from her perspective (bereavement issues) and then left me saying he didn’t love me. I guess this was because I didn’t stand up for him I tried to keep the peace. He still hasn’t made amends with my mum and refuses to saying if I love him I won’t ask him to do that because my family apparently have nothing to offer him (because of his religion).

I went out with a friend while he looked after our child for the day. When I came home he was cold towards me and seemed annoyed.
I always take child with me as much as possible to avoid asking him to look after them now.

I tried to start a business with my friend but felt constantly ridiculed because it was slow starting and money was coming in to slow. He had to look after child while I worked and always seemed cold and distant and uninterested in my day when I came home. He seemed to get angry with me if I became stressed out about getting ready for work and got annoyed if I asked him to help look after child while I got ready (making child’s breakfast etc). (It was work that required a lot of prep time before leaving. )
One instance before going to work he laughed at me saying that I try new things but they never work out.
This has lead me to give up the work as I began to feel extremely anxious about going and anxious about going home after.

I’ve tried to take an interest in his religion but at the timessage I’ve disagreed with something or spoke out he thinks I’m starting an argument and then I end up feeling bad. He’s cut off friends due to religion and doesn’t mind to take it further. I felt this was a threat to end things with me if I disagree on religious issues.

He hit me in the face during an argument and wouldn’t apologise for several days, telling me it was my fault.

We no longer do things we used to enjoy together as he refuses.

He acts distant and uninterested in things which which don’t interest him like child’s school, hobbies and wants to push religion on child (saying things like God will be angry if you dont xyz etc). I’m scared to speak up about this. He’s smacked child (not at all hard but still upset child) a few times despite me telling him not to and explaining why it’s a bad way to discipline).
He jokingly insults me on a daily basis despite me not laughing and asking him not to (only small things like comparing me to an animal). Which might not be so bad if I actually did get compliments from time to time (not just when he’s in the mood for sex).
If I’m upset about something that he doesn’t care about I get ignored. If I get stressed about something I get snapped at and told I’m stressing myself out. He once told me to just die when I had a very tearful breakdown.
I’ve asked not to be touched in a certain way, he does it anyway because he likes to annoy me.

When I began to feel uncomfortable with being touched/kissed (after the incident of him hitting me) I got snapped at and he implied we should end things. I asked him how he’d feel if our child got hit (when grown up and in relationship) but he wouldn’t respond.

He snapped at me because our child needed medication and was upset and in pain on our holiday saying we won’t be coming with him next time. I’m sure he was just frustrated but still upset me.

This stuff all happened the past (detail removed by moderator) years but looking back there’s been other stuff:
Me apologising for all the fall outs regardless of whose fault it was. I had to apologise first because he would always imply we should break up at any problem.

He was unsupportive during a difficult time (someone close to me had serious accident).

He left me and threatened to kill me when an old friend messaged me inappropriate comments. Getting angry because I had to take a male classmates phone number for a project and other similar stuff because I guess he was jealous?

Any attempt to talk about my depression or our relationship end with me feeling worse so I just don’t bother now.

I keep wondering if I’m the problem (I’ve always had problems talking about things that upset me. I remember being told off a lot when I was young for crying too much and not telling people why I was crying.) I seem to have had issues with depression and anxiety for years and would have ocaisional small outbursts of crying and maybe throwing a cup at a wall out of frustration with myself (he once told me I’m lucky to have our child otherwise he would leave). Ive asked him for more emotional support and comfort during stressful times but nothing seems to change .I just seem to keep going in cycles of self hatred and wanting to hurt myself to feeling ok and that I should do better to fix myself to make our relationship better. My husband likes helping people (giving money to charity/buying food for struggling neighbours etc) so why do I feel like this? Am I just broken and can’t fix myself? Sometimes I feel like I tar everyone with my existence and I’m a selfish person and bad mother (he’s told me I’m a good mother so I don’t know why I feel this).

Things may be getting better (he just let’s me get on with my hobbies but obviously disapproves) but it may just be not so bad because I’m not making a fuss or standing up to him anymore.
It’s not always been unhappy…We’ve had good times together of course.
Is it just me am i too much hard work to be around and not worth it??

Any honest opinions and/or advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading.

[Lisa]

Dear Purpleperidot,

Thank you so much for your brave and honest post and welcome to the forum! I am sure that you will find it a safe and supportive place to be. I am sorry that you have had such a stressful time with your husband. It is very clear from this post that your husband is an abuser, this is not your fault and you are not to blame. There is a section on the Women’s Aid website that might help you under ‘what is domestic abuse’ there is a link that you can click on saying ‘am I in an abusive relationship’ and it might help you to recognize lots of abusive tendencys that your husband is displaying.

He undermines you and trys to isolate you and make you feel like you are a bad person. All of this he is doing to try to ensure that your confidence and self belief is so low that you do not feel strong enough to leave the relationship. Please do phone the helpline, they can help you to recognize that this is an abusive relationship and also help you to see that you have options. You and your child deserve to be happy and free from abuse and I really hope that posting here is your first step towards freedom.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

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