Am I the problem?

[Hope123]

I know I’ve asked myself so many times – am I the abuser? The cause of this?

I left my abuser quite some time ago. When I’ve found out he was with someone else I made contact. First to say I was cross that he hadn’t told me and I got to find out my accident, but if I am honest it was a reach out to try and stop the pain.

Now I’ve gone backwards and have got myself into conversations that are taking me back down that road.

What is wrong with me? I feel huge guilt for being in touch with him when he’s with someone else. He says he still wants me back, but has a list of things I need to change and do.

I want what the new person is having. The good times. The happy and joyful bit. I don’t want the reality back but all I can see is the good.

I’m really struggling because I feel like I’ve been messing with him just because I’m jealous and feel awful for that. Why couldn’t I stop myself? And how do I back off now?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Hope123

You can stop and backout any time you like, no matter what the situation. You are a free agent, but the trauma bonding with an abuser can be like a very strong glue to keep pulling you back.

Its hard to see them seemingly moving on, starting a new life after messing up yours and then walking away into the sunset with another one. He’ll be the same old abuser, with you, or her, it will only be a matter of time, as i’m sure you know anyway.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, its really not easy to rid yourself of the constant thoughts of him after all the training he’s done pounding this into you. It will get better though. Those feelings will subside, but in order to do that it needs distance and time away from him. Each time you have contact the timer resets again, like an alcoholic having a drink. Keep yourself away, even block him if you need to and find something else to do online, not looking at him or his life. Develop your own life, and healthy relationships.

warmest wishes

ts

[Wants To Help]

Hi Hope123,

I did exactly the same as you many years ago. Prior to having a child or a joint mortgage with my abuser I successfully managed to end things with him and be single again… until I found out that he was with someone else 🙁

I have recently heard of something described as the ‘scarcity factor’ and this really struck a chord with me as to the process I went through. This went very well with my insecurities at the time and although I didn’t want to be with my ex I started to worry that I might not find someone else who would want me, and if someone else wanted my ex perhaps he wasn’t that bad after all?! The ‘scarcity factor’ is when we start to worry that they have moved on for good and we are left alone and will never find anyone else so it’s better to be with them than risk being alone for good.

I went all out to get my abuser back and succeeded! You can guess it wasn’t a ‘happy ever after’. It was a ‘it got much worse’. Having a child together or buying a house together did not improve things at all, it just made separating for good more of a nightmare.

First of all, if you left your abuser some time ago, what makes you think he should have told you he’d found someone else? If he had have contacted you to tell you, what would it have meant to you? Do you think he would have been doing it to get a reaction from you and that this was manipulative too? If you had been the first person to meet someone and move on would you have thought it your ex’s business to know what you were up to and give him a ‘courtesy call’ to let him know you’d met someone else? By wanting to know what he was up to is torturing yourself, and as you have acknowledged, you have contacted him because you still have feelings for him.

Wanting him because he has someone else is often our biggest downfall, and you are starting to pick up on this already. You know he’s not right for you. You are in a place where you don’t want him but you don’t want anyone else to have him either. These feelings are down to our own insecurities, it’s almost as if we keep them as a back up option that if we can’t find someone better than them then we’ll settle for them and the abuse that comes with it. I’m so guilty of that. If only I had known this at the time.

Your ex is with someone else but has told you he’d have you back. I’ll bet he hasn’t told his new girlfriend that – that she’s a ‘back up’ option because if you don’t want him back he’ll make do with her instead. However, he’ll only come back to you on conditions, so basically, you can take it or leave it, either way, he’s sorted, he’ll have a woman in his life. Hmmm, it’s all very convenient for him isn’t it? Meanwhile, you are considering whether to ‘change yourself’ to suit his requirements?

You’ve hit the nail on the head with ‘jealousy’.

You want what she’s got with him. You had that – once. When you first met him and got with him you would have had all the lovely treatment he’s giving her now. How long did it last for? If you went back to him would you trust him? I don’t think you would. I think you’d be worried sick that he’s now doubting whether he wants you or her, and if he’s still in touch with her telling her he’s made a mistake. This is what happens when triangulation comes in to play. It never ends well.

If you want to get out of this then there is a simple way. It would mean being completely honest with yourself and accepting that you only wanted him back because you were jealous. Of course it’s going to hurt that he’s moved on with someone else. Regardless of whether he was abusive or not you had feelings for him and it takes time for these feelings to work through our system and become less intense and eventually nothing at all, but this is a process every break up has to go through.

If he’s still with her, tell him you’ve made a mistake and that you are backing off and that you wish him well. Delete his number from your phone, block him, ignore his calls or messages or emails and move on. You are not an abuser, but you may have insecurities and fears of not meeting anyone else to fill the gap he has left. It’s probably not HIM that you want, it’s SOMEONE that you want because you want to be in a relationship. Him moving on has highlighted that you haven’t, but it’s not a competition. You will find someone when the time is right. In the meantime, focus on yourself and how you can improve your life.

If there’s anyone on here qualified to tell you that getting back with someone out of jealousy is a mistake, it’s me!

xx

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