Am I the problem

[Littlepea]

After yet another hour of being told I’m making him feel unloved, I’m not thoughtful, I must not love him and can’t be as physically attracted to him, I’m starting to believe I’m really the problem.

I just don’t know what to do any more. Every week at least, there’s the sulk because of something I did that wasn’t thoughtful enough, followed by a conversation I can almost recite word for word now about how I don’t try hard enough, I don’t make him feel loved, I’ve destroyed his confidence etc. If I try to defend myself, because I am trying and I do love him, I’m accused of twisting his words. I feel myself getting defensive and I hate myself for it.

I’m scared to react, I’m too nervous to say no to sex, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because things will be going well but then I’ll mess up.

Has anyone else experienced this constant ‘you don’t love me’ ‘why aren’t you trying hard enough to show me you love me’? I can’t help but think I am the problem here.

[Bambe]

Hi little pea!

I experience this so often! To the way I greet him at the door to how I come down in the morning and say good morning… I can’t do right and am made to feel guilty. Then it goes to appreciation for his hard work or paying the kids too much attention.

Every topic in life he can tell me that I need to improve but I know whatever I do won’t be enough.

I have young children so when I’m tired and grumpy and blame myself often which comes with lots of guilt and self blame.

I’ve started to read ‘why does he do that’ which has been a big eye opener explains all the different types of abuse. The type I receive is subtle, at times obvious and nasty and mainly Criticism over everything and anything. They come in patterns weekly and I never know how long each stage will last. He’s currently apologetic for mistreating me as I’ve stood up for myself to walk away but know he’s confusing me as he’s saying all the right stuff I want to hear followed by his mental health.

I hope this helps and maybe you grab relate.

Stay strong and trust your feelings x x x x

[gettingtired]

Yes my ex continuously guilt tripped me for not loving him or not finding him attractive anymore. Funnily enough, the more he said, the more I felt it and I just wanted to scream inside! He was an alcoholic and had really let himself go physically so I did feel bad in a way but he refused to take any responsibility and his behaviour was abhorrent.
“Every week at least, there’s the sulk because of something I did that wasn’t thoughtful enough, followed by a conversation I can almost recite word for word now about how I don’t try hard enough, I don’t make him feel loved, I’ve destroyed his confidence etc.”. Wow, what you’ve written here literally describes my life for the last two years of being with my ex! I too could almost recite his pity speeches word for word as they were always the same old spiel of how I didn’t make him feel loved, didn’t care about the relationship, didn’t show him any support etc. It became so draining, everyday was a never ending struggle. I became very angry inside as I felt so emotionally attacked but could never show my anger for fear of him erupting into one of his rages. These men literally suck the life out of you. You’re not the problem, it’s him leeching on to you and trying to guilt you into feeling like you’ve done something wrong. A great book I found was ‘Out of the fog’ by Dana Morningstar, you may find it helpful too. Take care and keep posting for support, always happy to private message if you need someone to chat to x

[Moonlit Night]

This constant need of validation is needed to feed his fragile ego. It’s a hungry beast – exhausting!

I love the analogy from the Wizard of Oz – the man behind the curtain. He’s revealing his excessive reliance on conditional self-esteem coming from others adoration of his grandiose public performance , his real self fears your abandonment.

[Author]

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