Am I the problem?

[dalera]

Hello everyone,
I’m just looking for some advice because I’m so confused and scared.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and we argue a lot.

Financially I pay for almost everything, even though he is older and earns more. Whenever we have an argument about money, he shouts at me for things that I have bought myself and makes me feel guilty for it.

He punches the walls and has pushed me during an argument before. When I confront him, he says the problem is me and that no one else makes him that angry. He calls me crazy and psycho during arguments and tells me he hates me and that no other man will “put up with me”.

Because I’m younger, he always patronises me and tells me to “grow up” and “act like an adult” during arguments. He says any normal man would react the same way towards me because I’m so frustrating.

I am really emotionally demanding, I want affection a lot of the time and need conversation in a relationship. I don’t know if he is being abusive or if I’m just too needy?

I’ve struggled with feeling scared and not knowing what to do for a while, because I can’t imagine a future with him when he’s punching walls and screaming at me. I can’t imagine ever having a family and children being around that behaviour.

Is this normal? He tells me that I push him too far and that I need to learn to shut up. Does everyone have their breaking point?

[lover of no contact]

Hi dalera,

Welcome to the forum. Its good you found us. Your boyfriend definitely sounds abusive. Google ‘the Power and Control Wheel’ and google ‘The Cycle of Abuse’. You will recognise your boyfriends behaviours on there.

What you have described in your post is financial abuse, verbal abuse (telling you he hates you, his shouting at you, his calling you names), ridiculing you, emotional abuse, intimidation and threatening behaviour (to put you in fear) (his punching of the walls), physical violence (his pushing of you).

Also blaming you and making you out to be the problem is typical abuser behaviour. They make themselves out to be the victim.

You will see you have typical reactions of being abused. Fear, anxiety, walking on egg shells around him so as not ‘to set him off’.

Its not normal. Its not a normal, healthy, loving relationship. Its an abusive relationship you describe.

Keep posting and reading the other ladies posts.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi dalera – welcome!!! 🙂

He is taking control of you in many ways – he is making you spend your money, while he keeps his to himself.
He is making you feel guilty for spending you own money on yourself – any loving, caring boyfriend would not do that.

He will tell you that it’s you that is the problem – when in fact it is HIM. He may only be punching walls now – but don’t stay around and give him the chance for it to be you next time. Punching walls is just the start, normal boyfriends don’t do that – any relationship where there is violence of any kind is not good.

Probably no one else does make him agery, these abusive men often seem quite normal to the outside world, they are very good at putting on another face for everyone else to see – quite different from the one you see at home.

He will tell you no one else will want you – just to put fear in you that if you leave him you will be all alone forever – another means of control.

Good luck, stay strong – we’re here for you – so don’t be alone.

🙂 🙂 🙂

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Dalera – how are you doing – not heard from you again – hope you are OK?

[Author]

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