Am I to Blame?

[Emotionallybroke]

I’ve put off posting on here for some time, because I’ve felt ashamed and I don’t exactly know how to tell my story… I feel like my situation is not as bad as others, but I suppose abuse comes in all different ways.

It wasn’t long after I started dating my partner that the coercive control started. It began with him telling me he was suicidal, and that something I had said had triggered him – for obvious reasons I can’t disclose the full story of what I told him, but it was something from my past, that I thought he wanted to hear after he posed a question to me about something similar. Boy was I wrong. The incident in my past, happened (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, long before I met him. But he has been so focussed on this and it has destroyed him and me.

I began to notice a pattern to his behaviour, but I had become trauma bonded to this man – he knew all my issues and how to hurt me – I have a past of n**********c abuse and abandonment issues, so I guess I hold on a little too tight, especially when I am desperately seeking love from the ones who hurt me. He constantly tested me, to see how I would react – he told me about his history, where he was subject to abuse and how this led him to paying women for sex, I was of course disgusted, but I accepted him.

I didn’t know what coercive control was until my therapist mentioned it to me. I began seeing him after I started dating my partner and my suicidal thoughts had increased to the point of an attempt, it wasn’t purely his fault, but he was a big part of it.

When things were good, they were great – better than that – but I began to feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells and having to be careful of what I said, how I said it, even my eye movements. I was scared to react to things he said because of how he might react.

I suspect that my partner has undiagnosed BPD, he can split in a second and has many different personalities – some of these want to hurt me, badly. I began to feel deeply unsafe, and recorded conversations, including conversations where he has told me that he will name me as his reason for killing himself in his suicide note (also where he has said he of course wouldn’t do that), and shouting horrible horrible things at me, telling me I should want to kill myself for what I have done. One evening I recorded him spitting in my face. He has never hit me, however he has grabbed me.

There have been several attempts to end the relationship, and we have both agreed it is the only way to move forward, to keep him alive and to make him happy – but the next thing another personality takes over and refuses this and we remain in a relationship. However lately he has been saying that technically we are not together so he can do as he wishes. He threatens me with escorts regularly – he sends me pictures of naked women and chats with people, he also throws his exes at me.

The suicide references are often and used as a way to control me – I have stopped him with several “attempts” of suicide and he has threatened that he cannot live without me. I’ve felt trapped. When I have had to go away for work he splits and threatens me again with suicide or sleeping with escorts, almost punishing me for not being there for him – however he also threatens this when I am there.

I have read about n********t’s and the dark-empath which he seems to be aligned to – it feels as if there is no safe way out and his ultimate goal is for me to suffer so much that I either kill myself or can never leave the house – he constantly references revenge and me suffering.

I still want to ensure that he is ok also, I know it’s stupid.. I’ve done so much to support him and he has been practically living with me, although on his terms. I don’t know how to move on – I feel as though I’m at his beck and call, and I have no control over the situation. I don’t want to report him to the police as I don’t want to jeopardise his job, I’ve sacrificed so much of myself I don’t know who I am anymore and I feel so ashamed of my situation – I have had to tell my manager at work as I had to take several days off sick because of this, and then I told a friend when he mentioned getting revenge on her also for her impact on our relationship.

The idea that he would chose an escort over me makes me feel worthless, and he tells me that I will never be happy because I lost his love and I wont be in his life the way that he should be, that no one will ever love me the way he does – is this love?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, well done for posting.

On this site you will read about partners who have a Jekyll and Hyde personality.. in other words these men (your partner as well) switch moods/personalities regularly.

To blame you is typical of an abusive partner as they never accept responsibility or take accountability. If he has a MH condition or an awful past history himself does not make him abusive, abuse is a choice and as an adult, if he has MH problems it is entirely on him to seek help. You cannot help him, you do not make him react, it is a choice he makes.

I was also trauma bonded to my husband, for decades…. free now and no contact with myself of our children..for me, the only way to recover was to separate. I was very ill (because of his abuse over so many years and having to do everything)…

To spit at you, control you, threaten you, picking on you, escorts etc…to use suicide to keep you there under his control ..all of these are typical abuser tactic. As you say, you have given him everything (I completely relate to that feeling), however much you give it will never be enough, he will demand more and more of you.

My husband threatened suicide a few times… I was so worried about Him as I believed him.. I didn’t want to risk him doing it so I did let the police know, I also told his GP… he was fine, it was all BS (he would fake cry!).

Please reach out to your local Women’s Aid, they can support you, you are in a very abusive relationship. For your partner to say he isn’t in a relationship with you anymore so he can do as he wants and sending photos of naked women or escorts is designed to make you feel worthless, he knows this which is why he does it .

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? It is a good book to help understand why he is treating you this way.

You do not owe him anything, you owe yourself… please look after yourself .

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Emotionallybroke]

Thank you for replying, it’s been so hard and I’m finding it hard to talk to my friends about, I’ve felt so isolated from them, and I’m so ashamed. And I know that there are people much worse off than I am. I feel silly asking for help, but I know it’s what I need.

I know I need to leave and not look back, but I feel so wrapped up in his life at the same time. I know he would destroy me if I went to the police. I need to stop giving in to his pleas for attention. I looked for a few support groups, but I’m nervous..

Thanks for the book suggestion, I’ll give it a go! And I’m so glad you’re free!

[Hereforhelp]

Ps.. you are not to blame at all.
To spit at you, degrade you and make you feel the way you do is not love. It isn’t your fault, he is abusive and chooses his behaviours.

Mental health, alcohol and drug use doesn’t cause someone to become an abuser, an abusive person is that by choice. MH and substance/drug use is separate to abuse and upto that person to seek help.

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