Am I to blame

[NewAmsterdam]

Hello everyone,
I’m not sure if I’m in the right place. I am in an unhappy relationship but I’m not sure if it is abuse. Sorry in advance for the long post.
I have been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator) years and married for (detail removed by moderator) years. The relationship has been mostly unhappy. I tried to separate (detail removed by moderator) years ago but found out I was pregnant. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He gets very angry at times. Although he has never hurt me, he frightens me. He knows what intimidates me and will keep going until I cry.
Afterwards he will blame me for his outbursts and I really doubt myself. I tread on eggshells around him, because I’m so scared he will lose his temper. He’s very good at turning anything I say against me. Whenever I question him on whether he had a drink, for example, he will accuse me of being paranoid and unsupportive. In the evening I will often find the bottle hidden. If I then confront him again, he says I don’t understand and that he’s sorting himself out. This has been going on for a long time I know alcoholism is a disease and I should support him but I don’t know how much more I can take.
I tried to talk about separating from him last month but he said he won’t leave. And he said if I want to leave, he won’t let me take the children.

I’m petrified of losing my children but I also don’t want them to continue growing up this hostile environment. I’m lost and scared.

[maddog]

This is not your fault!! Not ever! Your husband drinks because he drinks. He gets angry of his own volition and if it wasn’t you it would be someone else.

Please call Women’s Aid! You won’t lose the children.

Keep a diary or some kind of log. Record, record, record.

Also, you can go Grey Rock. This means not engaging with him. If he is drinking, ignore him. Do your best to say nothing important, and expect nothing from him. My ex was vile when I told him I wanted to separate.

You need to deal with you. For now at least he has chosen the bottle over you. That is what’s important to him and you won’t win.

You are not responsible for his behaviour so please stop blaming yourself. It is far better and safer to start making contact with the specialist agencies like Women’s Aid, and by posting here you are making steps towards your own recovery.

[NewAmsterdam]

Thank you maddog.
I was just about to add that the aggression is actually worse when he doesn’t drink. So I know him going sober might not even change that. When he drinks he is more manic and I have no idea what he’s gonna do next.
He was very nice (detail removed by moderator) after having left me crying all day the day before. He made me dinner (detail removed by moderator)  saying “hope you sorted yourself out. I’m always left feeling so guilty 🙁

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. Google the cycle of abuse. Google Gaslighting. You’re stuck in an abusive relationship. He chooses to abuse you. He chooses to threaten you. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. My ex threatened to take my son from me. It’s just what abusers do. Nasty horrible abusers. The abuse always gets worse over the years and many men are alcoholics but do not abuse their partners. If he’s functioning then he’s not abusing his boss which means he does have control over his abusive behaviour. Talk to your GP and get support from women’s aid. These men become dangerous when they sense we are leaving so be very careful. Speak to a solicitor to see where you stand and to ask about an occupation order to have him removed from the home.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi, you are in the right place. Welcome. My husband is also an alcoholic, and I fell into the trap of thinking I should support him, it’s a disease, he can’t help it.
It got too much though, and I realised that he was also abusive. I blamed the drink, or the cravings for drink, but it isn’t that at all, that’s just another set of clothes he puts on over the abuse layer. They exist separately and intertwined, but neither is the cause for the other.
As KIP says, he didn’t abuse other people when he used to go out into the world. That was reserved for me.
He is threatening you to try and make you stay, because he needs someone to abuse, to feel power over. Have no doubt, he’s abusive. He also drinks.
We can’t ‘fix’ these men, and they don’t really allow us to support them, because they don’t do anything to help themselves that we can support. It’s time to think of you.

[diymum@1]

i think we stay and get hooked in because we feel sorry for these men and also we want to help them. the truth is with addiction most of these guys end up with ex partners. I worked with addiction for a few years and id say 5% were actually still in a relationship. From that i can see that we shouldnt carry blame or have our lives turned upsides down due to someone else. In reality most people walk away from addiction with abuse on top of this its too much for anyone to shoulder. put yourself first and i very much doubt any court in the land would give him your kids (i think he would be lucky to get unsupervised access) if you can prove his abuse and his addiction. A visit to the GP would help, they can write it down for the court. A journal is used as evidence and also other people who have witnessed his behaviour could write statements for you xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, and no, you’re in no way to blame for any of this. As all the other ladies have said, he chooses to abuse you, then afterwards is incredibly nice to you. That is part of the cycle of abuse. Google FOG as well. That stands fir fear, obligation and guilt. It’s so hard not thinking were at fault, he’s told us so many times if we only did this or that he wouldn’t be the way he is. It’s all just rubbish. He also won’t get you’re child,these men all threaten that, it’s the one thing they know we are most afraid of. Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet? Your own doctor is another good person to go and see. It took me months before I was able to tell mine that my husband is abusive. That conversion is now logged on my notes, as is me talking to a psychologist because of it. That is seen as evidence to the courts, if you ever choose to go down that road. Keep posting, whatever you decide to do, if you use outside help, which everyone seems to advocate, especially when trying to leave, you decide how quickly everything is done. Ask any questions that are worrying you, someone on here will have an answer.
IWMB 💕💕

[NewAmsterdam]

Thank you for the reply, it feels so good but strange to be able to write this down and that people listen.

I feel really nervous about going to the gp. What if they don’t believe me? ANd there is never really any witnesses. He is good at being a great husband when he is around others. His parents know he shouts a lot.

I am really nervous about taking this further. He has so much to use against me. We rely a lot on his family for childcare and I have a physical disability.

I wish people would see the man I see 🙁 the one who punches walls, intimidates me, pressures me into sex, drives erratically whenever he is mad at me in order to frighten me, and who still manages to make me feel like it is all my fault and come grovelling back.

He’s been nice today and usually I am so relieved I just fall straight back into the pattern. But right now I’m trying really hard to remember all the tears just a couple of days ago.

[diymum@1]

if you give the GP an account of whats been happening its their job to believe you and to protect you. especially if this is affecting your health (emotional and physical) have the children witnessed his behaviour. it is classic abusive behaviour to be a pillar of the community, angelic in publis but to be a monster at home. he sounds like a jekyll and hyde character. is there punch marks left on the walls? i have knife marks which i showed as evidence. a diary is also evidence. you might be surprised how many people know whats going on but just dont say. i know this is hard and at this stage you dont want to rock the boat for your family. THe worry is if the situation escalates, we often wait until drastic measures are needed. The first port of call is probably womens aid xx

[diymum@1]

can i ask what you feel that he has against you? these men fill our heads with there unrealistic ideas like not being good mums which isnt true – the fact that you have a disabilty he may use that but to the contrary you can be just as good as any mum, if not better 🙂 xx

[NewAmsterdam]

Diymum. I tried ringing wa yesterday and today but didn’t get through. I left a message but no one rang back 🙁
I feel myself losing the courage to do anything.

I had mental health problems many years ago which I’m frightened he will use against me same as my physical health. I just think he could say anything and people would believe him.

I just wonder whether it is easier to shut up and carry on until the kids are older 🙁

[Iwantmeback]

Don’t give up now, I promise people Will believe you. If you stay and the abuse continues, your children will see and take on what is going on, it is also seen as child abuse. Have you tried a local WA rather than the national helpline.
He will try to use anything against you, even if you were the most devout churchgoer, he’d still find something to use against you. Many of us on here have a disability of sorts too, some have mh issues as well. Please try and let your doctor know what is going on too. They can help log the abuse and what it is doing to you, what you’re afraid he’s going to do to you.
Many abused women, once they begin to talk to someone in authority in regards to the abuse, we all use similar terminology, that is why you’ll be believed, you’ll be believed because a lot of what’s happened to you, you’re unsure to put into words, to even remember. You’ll remember in months to come, and that will be because of something someone else writes, it will trigger off a similar event in your life, that’s why it’s good to keep a journal of abuse, it can be used as a basis for a statement of abuse if you decide to get an exclusion order against your husband, that gets him out of the family home. Local WA, they have solicitors they use who are versed in DA and all it entails. Just hearing someone say, I believe you, that means so so much. Please dont give up. Our partners all abuse us in one way or another. Not all abusers are textbook, as neither are the survivors. It’s one baby step at a time my friend , but you are one step further away from him now that you’re posting on here. some days you’ll take 20 back, but we will be beside you every step of the way.
Best wishes, much love from
IWMB 💕💕

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