Amnesia

[Alicenotichains]

A lot of the abuse I just can’t remember so I started to try and write something down each time he went from Jekyll to Hyde, so that I could remember in the future. I found this today on the note section of my phone from last year. I have not any recollection of what he had done or what it is about. I don’t even remember writing it. It has helped me because my brain has started the whole…. did he actually abuse me thing? Well according to the notes I took last year I had something bad had happened and I clearly felt awful. This echo from the past has helped me today. This was my stream of thoughts…

…..Look at how he’s made you feel again. A crushing, bleak sadnesss sitting on Your chest. Lifted up and then thrown back down with no explanation. Tears permanently ready to spring from behind your eyes. Where has your energy gone. Why can’t you laugh or smile. You have gone back to acting. Who has done this to you? What did you do to deserve this. Were you kind? Were you loving? Did you lift your heart out to be touched. What did he do with it, once he had touched your heart. Did you get cast aside like a piece of rubbish? Those feelings of love are like coats with no where to hang them. He coaxed them out and then vanished. How does this make you feel? Does it matter why this is happening? Look at the pile of truth. You feel depressed don’t you. Bleak, black, desolate, Cold, alone. How dare someone reach for your heart and then throw it aside like it means nothing.
Pick up your own heart, put it back in your chest, walk away, keep yourself safe. No one should be made to feel this awful when all they have done is be loving and kind.

This is the why I am going to work my hardest st No Contact
X

[Iwon]

I felt like you for years. So confused. Wondering what on earth was so horrible about men I deserved such hate and venom that would get thrown at me. I remember saying to my sister when he was trying to throw me out of my own house with my child. God I put up with all these years of c**p and abuse and he still doesn’t love me. I am that unlovablethat even when I gave him everything he asked for he still feels utter contempt and disgust.

After years out I realize I wasn’t unlovable. He was just incapable of loving anyone in a healthy normal way. It made the little midget feel good about himself by crushing my spirit and heart.

His opinion is irrelevant. If I had been fat ugly thick and all the other insults he said why was he with me in the first place.

It’s not about love or a relationship for these men because they not you are dysfunctional. They want power and control. They groom you to use as a punch bag for all there failings.

You write beautifully and from the heart do whatever he has told you you are I think you sound kind perceptive and talented with a loving heart. A million talents he will never possess.

I read a book Lundy Bancroft. Why does he do that? Also you can do freedom course with womens aid on line. Really helped me understand. There was something wrong with him not me cxxx good luck

[Author]

Posts