An other bad day.

[Thisisme]

I’m sat alone in a coffee shop because my daughter is in nursery and I don’t have anything else to do.
The loneliness kills me the most, I don’t miss him, I miss the good bits of a relationship. I miss the intimacy.
He sent me an email (detail removed by Moderator) telling me that he missed me and that it hurts all the time and that it wasn’t meant to be like this and look at what he had done.
I’m glad me fleeing the abuse has caused a remorseful reaction in him, I still want him to be ok and have as good a life as possible, I hope me leaving helps him look at himself.
It’s hard that the ‘good’ part of him is apparent right now, I miss that part of him but it’s not all of him.
I can’t really relax at the moment, since I left (detail removed by Moderator), I haven’t sat on my sofa or watched the tv or read a book, I sit and my dining table on a hard chair, looking at my phone, doing the things my daughter needs me to do and then I go to bed.
Sleep was full of nightmares last night, it’s a massive responsibility being in a house alone with a child, what if someone breaks in, what if something bad happens? I’m alone, and I have to deal with everything alone now.
I have barely eaten and have lost weight, I feel a bit blank.

[Suntree]

first of all hugs.
At the beginning of every loss which is what it is, loss of dreams, loss of “your normal” there is an adjustment and it can be painful.
Its lonely, its hard, and it is easy for them to pull the heart strings and drag you back in.

Well done for sitting in a coffee shop and taking time for yourself. It took me a long time to do that.
Well done for leaving.
I didn’t until I had to leave for our safety because of the fears of how would I cope. I didn’t believe those who sai I could.

I have not only coped but I am so much healthier and better and I am slowly getting the place together. Okay give me a few more years. But I always say a house is bricks and mortar a home is the people in it.
Mine has gone from being as quiet as a mouse or not in the house so not to upset him.
To leaving and moving into a place not suitable, but I loved because it was small the ladies in the street looked out for us.
To lots of shouting and upset, while we adjusted and found our voices and safe place to let it out.
To the laughter and trust. So much laughter and normal behaviour.

I lost a lot of weight and had little sleep at the start. Then I started to find my feet.

I did the freedom program online and found a closed forum support group (now closed) which helped me through.

I also found new friends by taking the plunge and finding a new hobby when the kids weren’t with me.

I even bought and borrowed some gym equipment so when they were in bed and I couldn’t settle I could take the frustration out on exercises which was strengthening my body as well as my mind. Boy was I fit 🙂 Could do with going back do some to be honest.

What I knew was I could once I reckonised not the damage he was doing to me but the kids I couldn’t go back. What I had to hang on to was the hope that he would not damage them too much before he got bored of the responsibility and the shine of how wonderful he was in others eyes wore off.

I saw the tricks that others said he might pull, I learnt to reckonise from the freedom program what was good behavior and what was not and what was NOT my doing.

I didn’t get a chance to do the WA courses because I had no childcare. In the end it was re learning with the help of a few good friends and some new ones what normal behavior was and who to ditch and not feel guilty that has gotten me to a place where I should have been all along.

Right now I am grieving for the missed years because of living with abuse. For my kids who are only just at the start of all the process and doubly difficult for them for the life they should have had.

But I am no longer blaming me for not leaving earlier. Still think though it is so unfair I made a mistake with that man and they will always suffer for that mistake.

I still get wobbles but everyone gets wobbles and that is okay.

You will be surprised at yourself and don’t forget to give yourself, love, praise and patience. Be your own best friend

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