An unusual loss and not dealing with it well

[Darknessallaround]

Not sure where to put this, whether anyone will understand, or even if it’s relevant really. But just need to get it out of my head because I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.
I was working with a private counsellor last year and she knew what my home situation is like and the bad effect its had on my mental health. I didn’t always like that she tried to push me towards making decisions I wasn’t ready to make, but I recognised her commitment to and passion for her job, and that she was genuinely invested in helping me.
Eventually she had to stop working due to serious illness, which hit me really hard. She died a few months ago. I’m struggling with grief, the fact that obviously I can’t talk to my H about her. When people lose family or friends there’s usually someone who knew them who you can reminisce with. I don’t know anyone else who knew her and I can’t go down the conventional bereavement support route for reasons I can’t disclose here.
A counselling relationship is so unlike any other, I almost feel like I don’t have any right to be mourning her death. But I just miss her so much and I don’t know what to do with it. I felt as though there was some glimmer of hope that things could get better when she was in my life. Now she’s gone and that hope has died too.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Darknessallaround

I am very sorry that this trusted and special relationship has gone, and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it is that if it matters to you, thats whats important. You understanding the depth of your loss, and the pain that brings to you. You will need to grieve and heal the same as anyone else would, but you have the added difficulty of starting anew, finding another counsellor.

Its a dreadful shame that she didn’t hand you across to someone temporarily to cover for her missed sessions with you which would have held you through her illness and then ultimately her death, then you would have someone now to keep you supported.

It must’ve come as a terrible shock for her to die in the midst of your therapy. However, one thing that you have learnt is that you can be helped by counselling, and someone will be able to pick up with you, when you feel ready to do that. Only you will know when that is. I hope your therapist was someone that was part of a bigger organisation that can offer you another counsellor that feels appropriate for you, again, when you’re ready.

You also know now what it is you are looking for in a counsellor, and will be able to ask questions with these things in mind for another one.

Again, sorry for this shock and loss for you, do feel free to keep posting here as anything comes up for you, and maybe we can help carry you through this painful time.

warmest wishes

ts

[Eggshells]

Hi lovely,

I totally understand this.

I’m trying to think of how to describe relationships with supportive professionals and I can’t. I don’t have the vocabulary. It’s very different from other relationships. We let them in to the deepest, darkest parts of our hearts and in return they hold us steady and help us to find our way through.

Once you’ve built that trust, you can tell your counsellor anything. They will listen to the things that other people just don’t want to hear. It’s a bond like no other.

I also know the feeling of thinking you don’t have the right to mourn. It may be tied up with bereavements that you’ve experienced I’m the past.

Mourning is not restricted. It’s not a right, it’s an emotion. It happens in all sorts of situations and with all sorts of losses. We mourn the loss of people, pets, relationships, material things such as a home or a favourite momento. It is a natural reaction to loss. Let yourself mourn for the loss of everything she was to you. It is perfectly normal and a difficult but healthy process.

People deal with it in different ways. I wrote letters to the people I’ve lost. Some people send up balloons or Chinese lanterns with a written or spoken message, others pray; whatever you do, do it for her. Don’t bottle it up.

Sending hugs. xx

[Author]

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