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After a few weeks of things being really good and calm and him being in a happy mood with me he woke up (detail removed by Moderator) morning in a right mood. As the weather is getting warmer I decided to wear (detail removed by Moderator). Then it started…He asks me ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and it goes on. By the time I get to work I have abusive texts on my phone from him. He then accuses me of being flirty with his friends ( I am not flirty at all!!! I have no idea where he gets this from)
(detail removed by Moderator) he grabbed me by my throat and just gently (detail removed by Moderator) me as like a warning. I got up and tried to leave the room. He asked where I was going and I said to our (detail removed by Moderator) (it’s the one place I feel safe and he will leave me alone whem he is angry) but he said ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ So I did. (detail removed by Moderator) ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ I ended up sat on the end of the bed shaking. I actually though he was going to really hurt me. He also threatens me with violence and says he will kill me if he ever finds out Inhave lied to him. He gets so angry he is like the devil and I am so scared of him.
He didn’t ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ as I tried to just talk him round.
(detail removed by Moderator) he is in a much better mood and telling me he loves me.
The thing is I have no feelings at all, I am scared of him and always dream of a life just me and my son and being free.
After so much abuse how is it I am STILL here living this cycle of abuse every week or month.
I am sick of always being accused of everything and him painting a picture of the saint he thinks he is.
Sorry just need to rant. I don’t have anyone else to talk to.
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I should also add I am to scared to go police and to scared to leave him. He will make my life hell. He has already said. and he blackmails me, says he will do this or that. Get my family involved. What do I do!!??
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Hello Smallbutbrave
I am so sorry to hear of your experience, your level of fear, and your level of risk which seems to be increasing from what you have said.
I am glad that you felt able to talk finally, and know that you now have a place you can come to so that you can let out all that has been happening to you. You are welcome here and amongst other women who can understand what this feels like, and how terrifying it is to even consider getting help, so we can acknowledge how difficult even coming here to speak must have been for you.
speaking here is a huge leap forward for you, and there are places you can talk to that will allow you to speak freely, make your own decisions, and get some essential advice on how to keep yourself safe with the partner you are describing. Using the chat facility here (under the Support & Signposting option) will connect you to a female support worker who can discuss options with you, without judgement, or removing your decisions for you.
There’s no doubt in my mind that you are not doing anything that could justify bringing such threat and pain to your life. None of this is your fault, its his. Even if you were flirting and making it clear how unhappy you are, thats still no excuse to treat you this way. Nothing is an excuse for abuse, nothing. He’s abusive and will likely always be so.
Look after yourself all you can.
warmest wishes
ts
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TS has already given some great advice! Please keep focusing on that life you picture for you and your little one!
Abusers remove our ability to choose – you should be able to wear whatever you want, go where you want, leave a relationship if it’s
you’re unhappy etcThe more you learn, the more you recognise and the stronger you feel. Right here and now calling family or the police might seem impossible but that’s part of their power. Learning about the cycle, the trauma bond, noticing patterns or common behaviours helped me see this wasn’t love or normal relationship stuff.
Please stay safe! Abuse escalates especially if they feel their control slipping, mine used to put his hands round my throat as a ‘joke’ which overtime turned into hands round my throat whilst holding me on the bed, but because it had built up overtime it felt hard to call out. Whilst you can’t know what they’ll do, a lot of things they say are just words. Mine threatened to stop me having the kids, destroy my world etc, now he barely sees his kid. Mine also used to threaten telling people stuff, but in reality they won’t because it would make them look bad! Plus if people believe his rubbish, they aren’t your people. It’s just another tactic to control us through fear
You and your little one deserve so much more than this, and as much as you try to protect them from it they pick up the abuse. If it’s safe to do so, take one step at a time- it’s still steps in the right direction and can feel easier than the big jump of walking out. I came to hate weekends, was lying to everyone about them being good whilst living similar to you behind closed doors. x
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Thank you for your replies.
We are now back to ‘normal’ He is being all nice and cheery.
I spent yesterday in the weirdest mood and feeling just so down and empty.
I would go tomorrow but it is the threats. He says he will take our son away, he will tell my family lies about me, he will leave a huge mess behide, he says he will make me pay and for things to get back to normal I will have to buy him a really expensive gift.
He often threatens me with pure voilence and has said multiple times this years he will kill me if he ever finds out I have lied to him. This is because he is so paranoid he belives I have or am cheating on him. I am not!
Whem he is on a rant he goes on and on and on. The same things over and over again. I don’t dare stick up for myself in the fear of what he will do. He doesn’t like it when I do express my side or how I am feeling because he says I am twisting things and trying to make him out to be the bad one!? So I just son’t bother. I just sit there and nod. All I want to do is stand up and scream and tell him to shut the f*ck up but if I did he would really hurt me.
He says its my fault he gets angry.
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What could he say to your family to make them turn against you, really? And if they did, then you’re better off without them too. If your son/daughter was living like you wouldn’t you want them to reach out and come home to you? Abusers manipulate us into believing the world will hate us but in reality they won’t.
He’s making all these threats to do exactly what you’re doing – staying, complying, keeping quiet so he can control you.
We believe the nice version of them is the real one. That if we just do what they want we’ll get that version all the time and live happy ever after. But, the nasty, ranging, threatening version is the real him. Let that sit a while.
He’s going to throw all his toys out the pram and made innumerable threats if you leave BUT that’s exactly why this forum, womans aid helplines, and all the other support networks exist. He’s convinced you you’re alone and he’ll win. But that’s not your only hope xx
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He says he will tell them all I cheat on him and blah blah blah. I don’t cheat. He has put me off men for life. If we broke up tomorrow I would stay single forever!!!
everything you have said bananaboat completly makes sense to me it really does. I know if I comply he will be ok but the smallest thing he flips. It is no way to live.
He can not bear it when he thinks his control is slipping away and I don’t give any reaction and thats when he ups the threats.
He walked me to my work once not long ago and sae a man by the gates. This man was like a caretaker and only comes to my work once a week. I don’t even know the guys name. Well all hell broke lose. He demanded to know why I hadn’t told him about this man. He asked if anything was going on?!?! He said its my fault he gets so paranoid and doesn’t trust me so basically I should just put up with it. He said if he finds out I have lied to him about anyman (including how many I told him I slept with before meeting him) he will kill me. I have had this threat many times this year to my face and over text (Inhave kept all those texts)
The funny thing is he is the biggesy flirt you will ever meet!
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Oh yes! Their accusations are often reflections of their own behaviour- he accuses you of cheating then is the biggest flirt.
I know you get it, I know you’ve got a head & heart battle going on coupled with trying to stay safe & survive, but just one last thing. If he told your family you’d cheated – would they care? Would they believe him and so what if they did if it meant you got out. Sometimes we have to double bluff the abusers like saying ‘tell my family then’ and that threat will magically stop. But obviously stay safe.
Good luck, I know it all too well that it’s not easy to leave but you’re not alone, we’re all here xx
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I have the same too. Im too scared to leave ive been here well over 2 decades and feel for me its too late my kods are older now so I cant even save them I left it too late.
It wont get better in fact it may even get worse as you grow as you leaen his behaviour will get worse that cycle will just keep coming around and around and around it never stops sweetie.
Youve done the first step by being here and talking thats huge well done you. Baby step onwards now. Read about the cycle learn as much as you can then when you are ready talk to a friend or a dr or womans aid talk your options through because you do have options you really do you just have to be ready for them.
You take this as slow as you need whilst keeping yourself safe.
None of this is your fault and you and your child deserve so much more you really do.
Read, learn keep talkjng as we are all here to listen most of all stay safe. Xxxxx -
I was also in my abusive relationship for two decades. Its never too late. It takes some of us longer to get to a place where we can leave – for so many reasons. Mine were a combination of feeling like I needed to know I had given it everything because I knew if i didn’t feel that way i couldn’t go through with it. I needed to know the kids wouldn’t be upset by it. I needed to be able to support myself financially – I knew that I could not do it if I had to rely on him or others to provide for me financially. Even when all of those things were in place, it took me a few more years to do it. So don’t feel like you will be stuck forever. Just don’t beat yourself up about the fact that it hasn’t happened yet. if it was easy, we would all have left at the first sign of dodgy behaviour but we know how they suck us in, how they play with our emotions, how they erode our confidence and our sense of self and they wear us down so that we have no energy to do anything other than survive. And they sense when we are getting close to leaving because they stop treating us so badly and we start doubting if its as bad as we thought.
As someone who is now free – I can tell you without doubt that I was being treated a lot worse than I thought when I was in it. I used to cry every day – either though frustration, anger, misery – and I thought that I was over emotional, too sensitive. It was me who couldn’t cope with this life I was living. And that was was part of the problem of our relationship that I wasn’t a strong enough partner for him. That it was my fault that I allowed him to treat me like this and I should have been firmer and then he wouldn’t think he could keep doing it.
I now know that is all b******t. Because I’m living a completely different life – I’m happier than I have ever been and even when things go wrong or feel hard – its nowhere near as hard as the life that I was living for all of those years.
Do what you need to, when you are ready and in the meantime – keep posting on here and sharing how you feel. xx
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