And there it is!!

[GrumbleBear]

We’ve both been working all week, husband has had the kids as well as he decided to book the same week off as me instead of taking 1 week of the school hols each and I knew he’d eventually mention it! Asked me to do something housework related when I was already doing something and he replied along the lines of why should he? he’s had to work all week and have the kids! I thought we might at least get to a day I hadn’t also been working but who was I kidding???

[Bananaboat]

Sad when they prove your concerns right isn’t it. xx

[GrumbleBear]

yes but seems to be a repeating cycle all on it’s own. x

[Bananaboat]

Yeah I hear that. I stopped relying on mine to have the kids even in emergencies, how wrong is that?! It’s another way to get to us and have control. They also see it as women’s work, I have to pay all childcare myself because ‘you choose to work’, so do you bud and I’m the higher wage earner by some way but nope ‘he’s the man’. x

[Newgirl]

Yes it appears we are not worthy of a day off! Kids work housework it never ends! Then when we do get a few mins to ourselves they try and control it x

[gettingtired]

Abusers are misogynistic, I think deep down they believe housework and childcare is a ‘woman’s job’.. totally unsupportive and entitled behaviour x

[nbumblebee]

Oh i so agree with this. Well put x

[Twisted Sister]

yep, this is an essential part of the patriarchal structures, to make misogynists of men from the start, and they grow up viewing women as objects, things to own and direct. Its hard to swallow that these structures and their results are still so prevalent today, after so many years of fighting it.

Finally, though, one win, no fault divorces!

[Hereforhelp]

Cook, clean and ***k! To be blunt they expect it daily along with child care… mine used to buy (detail removed by moderator) for our children after we had discussed it and decided a joint no, as soon as he felt our children weren’t adoring him he would (detail removed by moderator)… each, sometimes (detail removed by moderator), whatever won him points and keep me busier than i already was…

It is good that you see the pattern grumblebear, s****y as your situation is you are seeing it. Once you start to see the patterns you can’t unsee, that’s what happened with me when I was still questioning myself. Trust yourself, keep a journal if you can so you can read it back to yourself, your truth. It helped me realise i wasn’t mad, stupid and most importantly, his gaslighting! Wow when i heard it back the first time i recorded secretly.
Sending you love and strength in this very strange and twisted journey, it is worth it in the end ❤

[GrumbleBear]

He’ll do some cleaning/cooking but he always makes a huge deal of it, especially if I sit and watch tv or am on my phone as he does it. He can’t stand that! It’s almost like a tick box exercise that he can keep track of. For example i get in the car after work and he immediately asks how my day was. I reply with good and before getting anything else out he goes on about his day the entire journey home….then in the next argument he’ll throw out how he ALWAYS asks about my day but I never ask how his was!!!

I watch everything he does and says now and I can’t believe I didn’t see it for what it was before.

[Bananaboat]

I could’ve written these exact same words. He’d clean every so often and it would be a mega clean as if what I did wasn’t good enough and he’d be so intimidating especially if me or kids were watching tv or on phone, but at the same time we weren’t allowed to help as we weren’t as good as him. Plus we had to thank him for it or that would be the next issue. He sounds like the more covert type, they hide it better and like you say, can then say to the outside world I cook, I clean and she’s ungrateful. x

[Dreamingoffreedom]

Yes!!!! I do 99% of the cleaning and cooking but now and then it isn’t up to his standards and he stomps about, crashing around tidying, saying things like “this place is a s******e”. Then I am on edge as I know his rage is going up and up. Says I live like a “(detail removed by moderator).” I think that’s why I am now such a clean freak. It is not by nature but I feel I can’t settle or lie in if I feel there is something to do in the house.

[Bananaboat]

Exactly that!! I was 100% this, could never sit and relax because I’d be thinking what else needs cleaning just in case. The rage was awful and same things shouted here as you have. I’m sorry you’re going through it too x

[GrumbleBear]

Yes I get the “s******e”. He came back from somewhere (detail removed by Moderator) and I was having a coffee and on my phone and I jumped when I saw the car come round the corner and he stopped the car at the window to look in and I pretended not to notice and started doing something else. He found it funny when he came in saying he saw me move when I spotted the car.

Would a normal person not question why their wife/partner reacted like this?? Rather than seem to enjoy it?

[nbumblebee]

Mine does nothing at home never even helped with kids ever. No housework no cooking not even a cuppa. Ive been working all day i left instructions for him to (detail removed by moderator) on he did eventually turn it on thats it but washing up still there no attempt to clean up his own mess he doeant even (detail removed by moderator).
I get moaned at if i try to (detail removed by moderator) at night as thats my daytime jobs apparently. He says he never asked me to work that i should be home to look after him as part of my wife jobs.
I am not aloud to (detail removed by moderator) in front of him nor go to bed at a different time.
He says as he hates me working he doesnt want to know about my day so he doeant ask and im not supposed to talk about it as he doesnt want to hear it yet can talk all night about his day.
Even if im tired or ill i have to cook clean and perform for him. Hard isnt it sweetie just know you are not alone xxxxx

[Bananaboat]

Yup, he doesn’t even put his rubbish in the bin. I watch him throw it on the (detail removed by moderator) floor like a child in the park would. He’s taught his other child to do the same. If I asked about picking it up, I’d just be told not him. Madness xx

[GrumbleBear]

It’s all so awful. My husband will ask about my day but not actually listen. He hates that I love my job and prefers it if something not particularly great happens so I don’t tell him – I don’t want him having that satisfaction.

[Plodding]

Hi can really relate to this : “Makes a huge deal of it, especially if I sit and watch tv or am on my phone as he does it. t now and then it isn’t up to his standards and he stomps about, crashing around tidying, saying things like “this place is a s******e”. Then I am on edge as I know his rage is going up and up.” My husband would make me feel on edge banging about making a massive deal about tidying and cleaning saying he is sick if coming home to this and I’d look around and think “ what is he looking at “ ?! He would say ut had take. Him an hour to clean up the kitchen when I’d done most of ut and therefore he couldn’t have time with the kids before they went to bed . I would feel exhausted on my days off to make sure I could avoid anything that would set him off regarding any mess and he would always find something and u would try and do jobs that would appear to have the most impact when he got home and I resent now the impact it’s had on me and probably my kids . It has been really helpful you posting this . I know how this feels . Take care x

[GrumbleBear]

Isn’t it funny (not haha funny) how something so seemingly normal while you’re “in it” is actually not okay?! There has been so many things over the years that I’ve just accepted as part of a relationship – the idea that people don’t get nervous or anxious when telling their partner they’ve made plans with friends is totally alien to me! It’s someone I trust pointing this out that has made me start to push boundaries.

[Author]

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