Angry and worn down

[Dragon]

His up and down moods, how he can go from being nice to sulking (because of me) but not telling me what’s wrong (because I should know) then keeping me awake by huffing, punching things around the house (not sure what, I can just hear), clanging things around noisily. This is the 3rd time this has happened this week. It is because I am ‘not meeting his expectations’. My fault again. I am so disappointed, I feel like it is getting fixed but here we are again. I feel stupid for falling for it, not ready to leave or accept that it might not change but also so worn out and emotionally exhausted with this behaviour and I blame myself but I don’t know how to fix it.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi darling

That’s his aim exactly; to wear you down through his ups and downs. That’s the cycle of abuse. If you are able, step away from his personal rollercoaster of moods and focus on your own thoughts and feelings to regain a little energy.
Imagine a protective bubble around you, his words can’t penetrate it, his words are bouncing off it and right back into his mouth were they belong and hopefully giving him an indigestion.

What he is doing to you when accusing you is blaming and guilt-tripping you. FOG- Fear, Obligation and Guilt are the favourite tools of an abuser. They are very powerful but once you are on to him, you can reject his attempts at guilt-tripping you. Anything that makes you feel guilty coming from him, vehemently reject it – mentally for yourself – not verbally, there is no use.
Guilt should come from oneself when we’ve done something wrong. You’ll feel it, it is authentic. What he is doing is brain-washing you into feeling guilty to keep you down under his feet, where he is able to abuse you.

Do not attempt fixing anything, there is nothing to fix, he is the problem and he cannot be fixed. He enjoys destructions, chaos and negativity. Whenever he is creating drama, that’s the environment where he feels most at easy and thrives because he can control this element better than a peaceful situation where reason and rational thinking thrives. He will never try to resolve any conflicts and will always abuse you.

Honey, I hope you can separate your feelings and thoughts from his and take some power back for yourself. Then you’ll regain strength. And then you can leave.
You’ll be able to leave one day, you will because you are a strong intelligent woman deserving a life free of abuse.
Here some quotes to help you on your way from other courageous survivors on here:
“You can love him and you can leave him”
“ it is ok to do what’s best for me”
Sending you lots of strentgth and hugs 💪💕
Keep posting darling

[lover of no contact]

That huffing and puffing and clanging things around I can remember it well. These bullies all use similar tactics. It would make me jump, feel edgy, feel dread, basically feel awful which is what they want.

I agree with HLJ, to try and get space from him today and the next few days without it being obvious. Try and do minimum contact without him knowing. If he’s in the kitchen, sort out things in your bedroom. If he’s in bedroom, weeding needs to be done in garden. If he comes into garden suddenly you need to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is a great go to place for peace when they’re hovering around. It’s hard to do but think of it like a game(Just For Today) a game where you are aiming not to see him face for today. He’s playing a game which is to non verbally bring you down with his banging and huffing. If you’re not around him he’ll Have to find someone else to huff and puff and bang around.

Keep posting. You’ll get free I believe. Leaving is a process it usually doesn’t happen overnight.

[Dragon]

Thank you so much for your responses, they have helped x*x

[Author]

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