Angry at myself.

[endoftherainbow]

As the light nights creep up on us, I’m getting angry at being alone. Don’t know why, as when I lived in my “wonderfull” house, with everything I needed, I was lonely. We used to have BBQ’S with every know condiment going…but no people. Its weird that I get angry even though I’m happiest in my own company. I feel that after a few years I need to stop moaning to my family and friends, like I should be “better” by now. But I know I never will be. How do we cope? Feel like I’m living a double life like before…Happy on the outside…brimming with fear on the inside xx

[fizzylem]

This is the aftermath hey EOTR. I’ve found I have become reclusive, more at peace in my own company. I think it also helps me to avoid any stress, the typical stressors that come with people, a birthday, a party, a difficulty to discuss, fundraising, doing, being there for someone in their hour of need. You know, normal things that happen when people are in our lives, but then I’m still in recovery just now. I dont feel quite ready yet to join the world, although I can see it’s on the horizon.

Yes I also dont talk to any of my friends about him or this or where I’m at either – better for us all this way. I haven’t done for a few years now because I can see its not what they want to hear, or I hear it in their trying to be helpful words, they’re thinking you really need to get over this now, move on – thing is, this is what I have been working on trying to achieve. I also never imagined it would take me this long either, but it has/is and that’s all there is to it.

I know I will rise again at some point, and have the life I want and friends around me, but for now I’m content and working on my health.

Do you think you might be getting ready to take a step out? Are you starting to think I need to make a small change? Have you worked out how you’d like this to look yet?

I have blamed him and got angry in the past for my situation. Like, it’s his fault I will always be alone now or something like. I’m kind of past the age for a boyfriend lol, long past it, I’m in the invisible to men bracket now lol, which I kind of like because I’m not interested in finding a man at all; but thinking by the time this is behind me this particular ship may well have sailed, but then I tell myself fine, so what if it has, I can still lead a full life, if this is how it unfolds. I will always try to make the most of my situation, whatever that is, as often as I can.

I’m really kind of done with anger now, it has not been my friend at all, it has ruled me at times, and for a long period too – which hasn’t been good for my health. I’m glad it’s gone now. Guess it needs to be the right time EOTR and for you to really want to not feel it anymore and thus workout what you need to do in order to let it go x

[freedomtochoose]

thank you fizz for this post, I could have written it myself.
babes steps
ftc
x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Endoftherainbow

Its so sad to have felt so lonely in a relationship with someone. It is hellish lobely though when that person is an abuser.

You have every right to be angry at his treatment of you, and your awful experience as a result.

Its a defense mechanism to get angry, it will pass. For now its there for you to work through.

If you keep working through this, processing it, iyou will move through it. Like posting here, and getting other supports in place to work through it with.

When you are ready and feeling more recovered you can look to building healthier relationships where there are boundaries, but also honesty and well placed trust.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

Sorry, Endoftherainbow, i just read again that you are angry at yourself.

Can you perhaps say a bit more about that? Are you feeling you are to blame in some way? I do hope you dont responsibility in any way for his abusive behaviour toward you.

Its a key part of recovery to be as kind and caring to yourself as you can. Developing ways to look after yourself better, treat yourself. It al steps you away from him and back to getting you strong, getting your sense of self back and finding ways to connect with your own happiness.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Author]

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