Angry when I initiate sex

[Losingbattle]

So this may seem weird. Because I hate my husband most of the time due to his abusive nature. But basically, my mind goes into overdrive sometimes thinking about the times hes cheated and I try to get him to want me, sexually. I feel like if he does it means I’m good enough. But alot of the time it causes an issue. (Detail removed by moderator) we were home alone and I tried to initiate it. This led to him flying off the handle, (detail removed by moderator) he shouted. I just want to watch tv he shouts. He then goes into the kitchen, punches the (detail removed by moderator) and tells me, (detail removed by moderator) for pissing me off again. I then apologized and told him his reaction made me feel like s**t and unwanted. He then said I should f**k off if that’s the case. We spent the rest of the night not speaking. I didn’t want to make it worse so I said to forget it and didn’t speak. I’m fed up. I don’t know why I even tried. I don’t want to be with him so it confuses even more. But surely he shouldn’t be getting angry over this

 

[diymum@1]

Part of abuse can be cheating and abusive men tend to discard women as and when it suited them. Could he be seeing someone else? This is really common with theses men they’re not able to feel deeply enough to regard for anyone’s feelings xx that applies to all women in their eyes and it’s not personal xx of course your good enough they make us feel like we’re not. Maybe time to make that break away ? Xx

[Losingbattle]

Its been Time to make the break for a long time but I get overwhelmed with a sense of fear. Like Deep down I know I’m good enough and I know I’m better than this but it’s so hard to break away. I don’t understand my mind sometimes. Why am I trying to get him to have sex with me??? I don’t know. I did get told the last time we had a big fall out he met with another woman but he denied it. I need to get out but the fear and anxiety makes me sick

[KIP.]

Abuse messes terribly with our heads. What you need to know is it was never about the sex. He saw an opportunity to crush you and he took it. He would much rather see you humiliated and make you feel worthless than have loving sex with you. That’s what he’s all about. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Google trauma bonding. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Abusers destroy our self esteem and confidence. They isolate us and make us dependent on them for validation. Breaking free is like a drug addiction. We have that craving for what we feel is normal but nothing good comes from looking to an abuser for validation. The worse they treat us the more we want to try harder to get back the good part of the relationship. But that good part is a lie. Try to build on your life away from him. Try to meet new people and talk to your GP about what’s happening.

[KIP.]

Abusers don’t like to see us happy, it antagonises them. Can you think back to times you’ve been enjoying yourself. Does he pull the rug? He won’t change his behaviour but you can. I did. It was painful but it’s worth it to be free. To block him from my life and have the final say. You’re simply not worthy of being in my life. That’s what zero contact can do for you. Give you back the power and control x

[KIP.]

I saw someone talking about how victims often try to reconcile after an attack. It makes them feel perhaps safer and in control. Mind blowing x not your fault

[Losingbattle]

I do suffer with anxiety which I take medication for and it really goes into overdrive. Its true what you say though, today I found myself trying to make amends, myself apologising. Then afterwards I think, but I did nothing wrong. Its been like this for sometime now. He used to come across as nice but looking back it was always when he wanted something. Since we had our 2 children hes become worse as if he sees them as a hold on me

[KIP.]

I too suffered with anxiety because of the abuse. The medicine will treat the symptoms but not the cause so its hard for you ever to come off them when he is causing your anxiety. It all boils down to him. I spent years trying to fix a problem that was never mine. Don’t make my mistake. Speak to women’s aid.

[Losingbattle]

Thank you for the advice. It really does help speaking to someone who understands and has had similar experiences

[KIP.]

I’ve been where you are. You’re stronger than you know. One day you will wake up and say enough is enough. You and your children deserve so much more. Your children deserve and happy confident mum. Just keep taking baby steps and building on your knowledge and strength. I did it after decades of abuse and I can’t tell you how wonderful life can be free from abuse. It’s the abuse and trauma that robs us of headspace to work out how to escape. I’m sitting eating a cheese sandwich. A simple cheese sandwich in peace and quiet. No eggshells, no knot in the stomach, no anxiety. A friend popping round soon. I can’t believe all these simple things are still like a miracle to me. Onwards and upwards. You can do it too x just keep reaching out to those who have your best interests at heart because he certainly doesn’t x

[iliketea]

KIP – I know what you mean, well I don’t, but the thought of that, sometime in the future, that’s what we’ve all got to hold onto, no knots, quiet, cheese sandwiches. Losing Battle – stay strong, its not you, its him, I’ve been there with the sex thing, I gave up years ago, it shattered me every time, for some unknown reason I continued wanting a child with him and had to endure years of IVF because he had the control over sex…get out whilst you can!! x

[Losingbattle]

I feel like I’m getting stronger but then some days I’m weak. During one row he twisted and said how easy it’s made for women to accuse men of abuse when it’s all in their head. It makes you not want to speak up. I need to get there, to that place where its just peaceful. KIP the cheese sandwich comment made me smile. Hopefully I’ll be there one day soon

[Cecile]

Abusers use sex to abuse women, and in my experience it was withheld for years.
One time went on holiday, he initiated it, then suddenly turned away pretending to be asleep. I could see his face in a mirror and saw he was actually smiling, that’s how I knew. He was also having sex with other women, I know, throughout the decades I was with him. It took me a long time to face up to the fact that he was deliberately with holding it to punish me in some weird way, my mind did now want to accept it. I couldn’t believe any one could do that. It was in parallel with a lot of verbal, emotional and financial abuse. I spend most of time these days feeling utterly stupid for sticking with him so long. Anyone who hurts you as much as your partner does is harming you. It will get worse. Imagine him doing these behaviours to a beloved sister or friend….what would you tell them to do? If you were your future self, what you tell yourself to do? Xx

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