Anniversary of sorts…

[iwillbeok]

Hi,
I am struggling today. Not as down as I have been before but feel like I’m on the edge of tears all day. Have been reading posts and tryinh to reply with positive, supportive mesages but I just don’t feel it today…

Its been x time since things escalated and I got away and free of him. I’m just so tired of thinking about him. I’m tired of thinking about all the teensy, incidental, the “on their own they weren’t so bad” things he would do. The things that make me question whether it was just my reactions that were ‘off’. I’m tired of having this round and round conversation with myself that ends with “you know it must have been real. He raped you. Repeatedly. (detail removed by moderator).

But still i look inside myself and wonder what i could have done differently? Why is the only recognition i can give his abuse is in context after the sexual violence? I still struggle to label what he did to me as rape. Its such a strong word – connotations of overpowering physically, thrashing and fighting, hitting. I didnt even say ‘no’. I just went along with what he wanted. I was broken.

I’m feeling broken all over again today. And trying to push it all down and keep patient with my children…

So tired. So very tired…. and now I can’t stop crying. Dont want to upset the kids…

How could he do this to me?

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi iwillbeok, it takes a long, long time to process the facts of the abuse once we come realise the truth. We have lived with our abusers lies, justifications, gaslighting etc for so long and believed it all because we had to, to stay safe. Coercing someone by intimidation, brainwashing and conditioning is not gaining consent. It’s deliberately training a person to not say no, to feel so worthless they don’t even know that no is an option anymore. That’s what I think I found so hard to accept, the cold, deliberate nature of the behaviour. Try not to give yourself a hard time whilst your mind is attempting to assimilate this information. It’s a natural process of healing and it takes as long as it takes. Allow yourself to rest and cry (as much as possible with children around). You are hurt but not irreparably. Be as patient and compassionate with yourself and the process as you can. You’re doing fine xx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Part of recovery is admitting the abuses happend to us and accepting it,this is prob why u r feeling so tearful, as your brain processes what happened, no one wants it to happen, but these guys just love bomb us, then slowly break our self esteem and b4 u know it bang we are trapped in their game of control . U could of done anything different , he still would of done what he wanted, reality is they are in wrong and it takes time for us to accept they chose to behave like that. Sometimes its good to sleep it off, just to let our brain relax. I found it very difficult to accept my ex raped me , and just block that part, but with help from counselling u really can process and understand it all and heal

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi iwillbeok,

I struggle with the the same thing, sometimes I think ‘did I imagine all of that, it was like a nightmare’ and suddenly wonder why I split up with him, then I remember how scared I was and how I had to get help from a domestic abuse service and had an outreach worker. Sometimes I have to get people to confirm and remind me that he was abusive as I start questioning it and thinking ‘it wasn’t that bad.’

One of the things I realised is that it didn’t seem that bad to me because my family have often treated me the same way. Until my ex I didn’t even realise what they were doing was abuse. I just thought all families were like that. Maybe you got so used to the non-sexual abuse that it just seemed so normal that you still find it hard to see it as abuse.

It sounds like your brain is processing and making sense. Like the others have said, give yourself time to process and heal. Did you write down a list of all of the abuse? I re-read mine whenever I get confused to remind me and it helps a lot.

Abuse by nature is confusing as they want us to feel confused rather than clear about what is happening, it keeps us trapped.

I think in time the fog and confusion lifts. xx

[iwillbeok]

Hi ladies and thank you for your replies. I think that is the real struggle for me at the moment _ coming to terms with the idea that this was deliberate behaviour on his part. At the end I could see that the rape (I’m just going to make myself keep calling it what it was!) was totally about control. It was totally about putting me in my place. Its all the subtle, manipulative good cop/bad cop (in the one person), the oh so gradual isolation from family and friends, his concern for my mental health (being forgetful & unfoccused – which I now read was the fog of abuse) – all the tiny things that were designed to make me feel unvalued, unsure of myself, unable to speak up for myself; these were deliberate?! From the same man who helped me deliver our children, who could be so sweet and so funny, who wrote me poems, who would kiss me whenever we stopped at traffic lights, who made love to me so tenderly…

My head and heart hurts from trying to separate dr Jekyll from mr Hyde but just cant coz he is one and the same…

[iwillbeok]

Hi sunshinerainflower, just saw your reply, we must have been typing at the same time. I made a list (& add to it occassionally when something will randomly pop into my head). I read though it again this afternoon. Each individual item probably isnt that big a deal on its own, but the sheer volume! And the entitlement that shows through, his selfishness. And when I look back and remember that I wasnt happy for a long time, would dread coming home, would dread seeing a text or email, hated weekends, the insinuations that I was unfaithful… it all adds up. But I thought it was some defect of mine – if only I could get things right. I would tearfully cry at him that I was trying to change, that I didn’t know what was wrong with me …

Reading other’s experiences on here, reading Lundy’s book and the online Freedom Programme – has helped my understanding a lot. I agree now it will take time and counselling to come to terms with it all, time to heal and move on…

[Author]

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