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The ex picked DD this evening…with his ‘new’ girlfriend. Thankfully my friend did the hand over so I didn’t see the ex. His controlling and narcisstic ways still make me anxious & I know my resistance of him finally, has angered & annoyed him. I known him bringing his girlfriend was to try get to me, to intimidate me. But I genuinely don’t care about his relationship…thing is he is annoyed I’m not. My friend told me his face said it all when she opened the door to him. Kinda need reminding I’m strong enough to see this through
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Yes, they hate it when we finally see through them and they can no longer affect us as it means they have finally lost power and control – their worst nightmare! I think it is brilliant how your friend did the hand over, can she do that every time? Using third parties for this sort of thing seems to massively help as it is one less trauma bond and one less abuse route for them to use. It’s good that you can see how the new girlfriend is just another pawn in his game, and sadly for her the same fate awaits as these men are incapable of love, honesty, empathy etc. and just keep repeating the same abusive cycles. It sounds like you are doing great in handling the situation. Is this his only route of contact to you now ie. does he send you emails or texts or anything ie. about the children? He will hate having his final route closed off, the sooner it is closed the better. It’s like a vein connecting him to a power source – once the vein is sealed off you regain power and he is weakened.
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When I finally put my foot down over his need to control, his reaction was to try harass me with calls and texts, gaslighting me to try make me feel like I was in the wrong. I made the decision to never be by myself when he was picking up/dropping off DD because of an instance where he dropped DD off round the back of my house & tried to coerce me to go outside to talk by telling me to get my shoes on & go to his car. I sent him an email shortly after,saying that attempts for personal conversations are to stop (I blocked him on my personal number) & we would contact only via email or text through the phone I specifically bought for contact between him & DD, & only about DD’s direct welfare. I have had to put hard boundaries on that because he sees it as licence to call whenever he likes. So it’s turned off until the times I said he can call DD. Even then he didn’t read the email properly & left an answer phone message on my home phone (which is kept unblocked for emergency contact) telling me I’d gone against my agreement & he expected a phone call back….Another email sent reiterating when he could call & it was in fact him who made the mistake. He’s still pushing it, trying to create situations his narcisstic side can feed off of. Recently DD’s parents eve he changed his slot to the same evening as mine without telling me. I know he was hoping to run into me, but DD’s teacher warned me of his impending visit.
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I don’t have children so don’t know how it works exactly but all this sounds like still much too much contact and like he is using it to annoy, hurt, confuse and distress you like a typical abuser, they use what they can to cause drama and pain. Could you use a third party to arrange it completely so you are not having to speak to him or email him at all? Then you could block him on everything and finally have peace. I am sure many other ladies have done this and found it very helpful, hopefully they will reply too to share how they set it up. What about contact centres? I don’t know anything about them but have heard other people mention them on here. By using third parties it means he has virtually no way of causing drama and pain, they tend to give up and look for other people to bother when this happens.
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