Another baby step

This topic contains 19 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #65423
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I couldn’t get to sleep again last night. I make plans to contact WA ‘tomorrow’ but when i get up, i dont. So I’ve put the contact details on my phone, which is protected, so at least it’s there and i don’t need to look it up😏 ive started clearing things out, that i wont take with me too. The house is so cluttered anyway, he wont think on it.

    Question for you all, did your abuser constantly buy stuff but either not throw anything else out or just not allow you to tidy up the mess. He complains constantly about the mess, but when ive tried to dust etc in the past , he’s went into such a mood, cos ive moved his stuff
    I think living in chaos is adding to my situation. I used to be so neat and tidy, now i couldnt care less, even about myself.

  • #65449
    Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Iwantmeback

    Sounds like you are making positive moves forward. It can take a long time before women feel ready and able to contact a helpline or a local service for support and i understand that it can feel daunting, take your time and do it when you are ready.

    It sounds like a situation where you cant win with trying to please your partner, if you try and tidy he complains and yet he also complains about the mess, this is controlling behaviour and he enjoys having things to complain about to you to make you feel bad.

    Take Care and keep posting

    Lisa

  • #65463
    Profile photo of Twisted Sister Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Dear Iwantmeback

    I do the same. weeks on end I had put off contacting someone about something very important involving the police and disclosing things. Its taken me a very long time to speak, to want to call someone, and then be very worried about what iwill say, what they will say, what will happen and so on.

    The term overthinking comes to mind, becoming so very worried about doing anything because we have so long been used to getting consequences for our actions, exactly as you say, over mess/tidying/clearing. Its impossible to make a decision in the end.

    Be gentle with yourself and don’t expect to achieve more than you can manage each day, and what you want to achieve.

    warmest wishes ts

    • #67326
      Profile photo of xxxxhelpxxxx xxxxhelpxxxx 
      Participant

      It took me over 10 days to contact the police when they were called by someone and visited us. I have to find time when I know he’s not going to be wanting me on the phone. It’s just another stress. I have also been wanting to call the helpline but cannot get through. I want to visit my GP and talk to them but have to make a reasonable sounding
      excuse why I want to see them !

    • #67329
      Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
      Participant

      Hi xxxxhelpxxxx , ĺead him to believe you’ve got a urine infection or something or some other female thing that men dont want to deal with. With that the Dr has to do a private investigation so he won’t be allowed in with you. If you find you can’t talk to the dr when you get in or are afraid it’ll take too long if he’s in the waiting room, could you write a note to them and give it to them instead. The first time i went to my dr i spent nearly 35 minutes crying and was totally babbling. Took months before i went back to talk to her again. Each visit gets easier to those you’re looking to fir support.
      I wish we could just leave, but it’s really not that simple😪
      IWMB 💕💕

  • #65575
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Lisa and TS, thank you for taking the time to get back to me. I overthink all the time, think its due to his reaction to everything i do wrong in his eyes. I broke down (detail removed by moderator). I just couldn’t face getting up. He came upstairs and tried to fool around, all i felt was this uncontrollable urge to scream. I didnt but he kept on at me that if i dint talk to him he can’t help me, he was so gentle and calm. I told him i couldn’t tell him as i was afraid he’d lose his temper, how I’m always afraid of him losing his temper, how anxious i get just before he comes home. How i dont want to leave him i just need the arguements to stop. And his reply was nothing like i expected. He was quiet and calm. No raised voices nothing. But he didnt talk about saving us, he talked about the practical things,selling the house or me taking the mortgage, returning my car. Which would give him Money for a place of his own. To which i replied that i dont want the house, that it would be sold to pay off the bills and split whats left to which he still calmly replied, i dont want anything!! Now I’m wondering if because Ive been looking for answers fir so long to explain his behaviour that ive muddled up what ive read with how he acts. But honestly deepdown i know he’s abusive and since my kids left he has managed longer periods of calm but i question myself all the time, worry about things which really shouldn’t be an issue. Like when someone parks in my dad’s driveway, which he allows him to do, and when he gets in its either a screaming match or ive to go in and ask them to move their car. I think since I’ve admitted to myself im no longer Puting up with this, that I’m finding it hard to accept his behaviour but im not ready to leave yet either. I can accept that.ive read that in older posts and its helped put how i feel into perspective a bit better. So thank you v everyone c who posts on here. Baby steps from now on. And i think i need to call WA soon, instead of talking to him.
    Tapadh leibh mo charaid (thank you my friends)
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #65577
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Ps. I always wanted to be an actress, now i have to give the performance of my life.
    He really does know me inside out. Why do we answer them so honestly, i really am not able to think on my feet. Butterfly started tonight, story of a transgender child. my hubby reaction to the storyline was he’d batter it out of the child!!!! No son of mine would be like that. I was horrified and saddened that he really does see children and wife as extension of himself, our actions determine him as a man and how the outside world sees him.
    Until society reflects us as equal we will still be abused, not just in equal pay but roles of nurture, jobs. Men are seen as the breadwinner until that changes in society, he will always be seen as the more important in the relationship.untkil magazines andxtv startcto portray rolesxofcmen andxwomen equally andxas the norm things eont change

  • #65586
    Profile photo of she-ra she-ra 
    Participant

    Hi lovely definitely ring and get advice. It is scary but I just left a message in the end and they phoned me back, it’ll be fine. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with the house/mess thing. My husband does exactly the same to point where there’s just boxes of stuff he’s bought everywhere, piled up in the lounge, kids bedrooms, I don’t have a dining room now because it’s stacked floor to Celing with his boxes, and sadly that’s not even an exaggeration. I’m not allowed to clean or hoover or wash up, like you this is not how I live. I used to be incredibly tidy abd house proud. Part of me thinks that’s why he does it, to upset me and bring me down. Good luck lovely x

  • #65605
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Thank you she-ra fir your words. Ive been told he leaves his stuff about cos i dont put mine away. I tidied my side of the bedroom and it looked so nice. It calmed me to see it like that. I too believe since i was always tidy before him . That he does it to get to me. Im going to gut the kitchen (detail removed by moderator), hell be out for a while. Dont know how look it’ll last, he wont even wipe up crumbs or clean the cooker after frying stuff, but seeing it cleaner an clutterfree might help me. Really anxious today, no breakfast again, it literally wouldnt go down. Oh for the days when i have a tidy clean house again.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #66108
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Its been an okay day today. Ive gotten rid of some clothes, took them to cash4clothes, put to leaving fund. Next is the accessories and ornaments and whatever else i can bin or give to charity shops. Baby steps🙂💕

  • #66380
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I phoned my local WA, and have made an appointment to see someone. The strangest thing was, i couldnt explain why i was phoning them. My mind just went blank. I managed to get some stuff out but i felt such a fraud. Oh God what if i have mistaken all his behaviour after all. Im so scared

    • #66434
      Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Iwantmeback,

      As WhiteRose says you’ve taken a really big step. Your anxiety about your appointment is natural, and it may also be because talking to someone means you are really acknowledging that your husband is abusive.
      You will not have mistaken his behaviour, if anything women normally minimise abusive behaviour.

      Women’s Aid support workers will understand the complexities of domestic abuse and recognise how serious coercive control and psychological abuse is. The support you receive should be at your own pace; they won’t rush you to make any decisions or take actions, it’s all about baby steps, as you rightly say.

      Keep posting,

      Lisa

  • #66428
    Profile photo of White Rose White Rose 
    Participant

    Good for you! That’s not a baby step it’s a great big leap in the right direction. You’re not the first to phone WA then go blank and you won’t be the last. It’s a hard thing to do. I burbled and blubbed and am sure was totally incomprehensible when I phoned but I’m glad I did.
    Keep moving forwards little by little. You’re not a fraud and you haven’t got it wrong with his behaviour so believe in yourself and keep strong and positive and keep reaching out for help xx

  • #66473
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I need to really take baby steps. I think im definately ready to end it all but, now i know my options a bit more, im freezing. I want him to tell me it’ll be all right he’ll be nicer without the, but you have to do this that or the next thing in order for me to be nicer. I have been shown a way out,not just for me but our dogs too…. what am i waiting for!!!!
    I didnt think i could be helped so quickly, i feel overwhelmed. Its the fear of grasping that lifeline, what if I’m let down, what if ive really got it wrong and im really deluded. oh this hurts so much.i want my mum and i dont even know why cos she made it plain when we were younger my dads her one and only,comes before us. Why cant my husband love me and not be such a monster at times

  • #67328
    Profile photo of xxxxhelpxxxx xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    I keep dreaming of leaving and living on my own. But at the moment I can’t see it being reality. He has so much stuff! He brought all his stuff from his parents (well a lot of it) and it’s everywhere! And there’s so much c**p. I swear it’s only men who collect wires and random s**t. And clothes! If he was to leave, I don’t know where he’d put it all! I feel guilty if he had to move back with his parents. Everyone says how good we are together – if only they knew.

  • #67341
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi xxxxhelpxxxx, my oh is the same. He has stuff everywhere. Not just clothes, tools,drums, fishing gear etcetc. the garage is full as are huts. Ive been dreaming of my own place too, lighting candles and peace and quiet. I worry about where he’d put everything, but it’s not our responsibility at the end of the day but that’s easier said than done 😞
    IWMB 💕

  • #67379
    Profile photo of freedomtochoose freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Oh, I wantmeback – I just wanted to say I remember this process, it is different for everyone but I wish you all the best – you are doing so well.
    ftc
    x

  • #67421
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I went to CAB today, it was closed🤣 i found myself walking into the police station instead. Just put one foot in front of the other thats all you have to do. I went in for some advice, which is what i got, and the officer was lovely, sympathetic and not condescending at all, but.. i felt such a fool, pathetic and not really able to get out how bad my life really is. He also said it could be that our relationship Has just naturally ran its course, and i said if that is the case, why don’t i just leave, to which he replied, i think only you know the truth to that. And i do, I’m scared to. So unless my oh is physical or breaks the law, i feel my only point of conversation is on here and through my local wa. I’m playing over the conversation, i dont feel he didn’t believe me, but i do feel he’s missed the point😪

  • #67441
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Just remembered there was one time he asked me to go a walk with him with the dogs. I said i was going into my mum’s. But you saw them last week, was the reply. I want you to come with me. Now ordinarily i would have done just that but i see it for what it is, so i compromised and said I’d go out with him at a later date. Let’s see if when it comes up he remembers im going or says something different.
    He is right, i do nothing with him,i don’t want to spend time with him anymore. We’ve become on be of those couples who don’t have much of anything to say to each other. It’s more he talks, i listen. I actually don’t remember the last time we had a conversation where my feelings/ thoughts were taken into consideration😞 cos what i have to say is either stupid or i dont know what im talking about. Is it any wonder we stop talking to each other when we’re constantly belittled.
    💕💕

  • #67482
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I mentioned the D word (detail removed by moderator), divorce. Not happy. Hed said something horrible again, and even though i can’t remember the reply that word was mentioned in it. I’m starting to have wee Freudian slips more and more. Aaaggghh
    IWMB 💕💕

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