Another bad night

[Rose1]

Just feeling so down. I’m actually beginning to think husband is mentally unwell. He can literally go from pleasant to nuclear in 5 minutes. Screaming at the top of his voice..name calling, blaming me for everything..tonight for the fact that he’s been stuck in the house for almost (detail removed by Moderator) months (because of the pandemic) with me. Like I’m the most hideous thing in the world..screaming at me because our (detail removed by Moderator) rang (she had been trying to reach me but I didn’t hear the call so she tried his phone)and after (detail removed by Moderator) mins I took over the call and we chatted for (detail removed by Moderator)…he started swearing whilst our daughter was on the phone and I had to make an excuse and hang up..then he really lost it..repeating himself over and over with rage..he went out of the house then came back in and tried to do what he’s often done..make me sit while he tells me all the things that are wrong with me. I walked away and he started screaming again. I’m now sat upstairs while he drinks beer and watches TV.. I feel so lonely and so desperate..I just can’t predict what will tip him over the edge..and the absolute fury on his face..I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator) with grown up children yet I just want to go home..and there’s nowhere to go

[KIP.]

Have you spoken to women’s aid about having him removed from your home. You deserve to be safe in your own home. You can’t predict his abuse. He does it when it suits him. My ex used to kick off when he saw me being happy so maybe seeing you chatting with your child was enough to bring you down again. They can’t stand to see us happy.

[Hetty]

Ah I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember those days/nights so well.
He’s not mentally unwell. He’s just an abuser who is using you as his emotional punchbag to make himself feel better.
Have you reached out to your local domestic abuse service? They could help you think through options. You don’t have to live this way.
Unfortunately when living with these men our homes are not the safe and peaceful place we need and are more of a torture chamber.
You’re not alone. I’ve been where you are, hidden away upstairs to escape the tirade of verbal garbage. It took me months of planning and considering options but I got out and now I live in a calm and peaceful home where I am finally free to be me.
If you haven’t read ‘why does he do that’ look it up. You can download it for free. It’s a real eye opener. There really is no excuse for this abusive behaviour x*x

[Rose1]

Thank you for your supportive words..I need to seek some legal advice..he earns a big wage much much more than me and often says things like don’t buy that you’ll need the money when your skint..there’s always some sort of threat. Tonight I actually considered ringing the police..he was just raging saying the same thing over and over again..what stopped me..I’m embarrassed..embarrassed that I’m here being bullied..that I don’t throw a few things in a bag and say ‘I’m off because I’m.scared of what to do next.

[Hetty]

This is why you need to get advice. Get as much info as possible about your rights, options etc. Leave no stone unturned. If you can get an accurate picture of finances, take copies of important documents, get bank statements. Don’t tell him a thing. He’ll hide his money. He won’t want you getting a penny. You can do this but just start your planning now, tell him nothing, reach out for support. Honestly I thought I’d be trapped forever but I’m out x*x

[gettingtired]

Aww I know the exact lonely and desperate feeling you describe. I had a similar horrible night with him this week, except it was him threatening to call the police on me! Even though I hadn’t done anything. God knows what he was planning on telling them. I’d only physically grabbed him to stop him from doing something he was threatening me with, I hadn’t attacked him or anything that would warrant him fearing for his safety and calling 999! Like you I would feel way too embarassed if they turned up. It’s such a viscious circle as you feel ashamed for staying but then guilty about leaving. When we shouldn’t be feeling either!! I’m sorry I haven’t offered much advice but just know that you’re not alone 💞

[Rose1]

Thank you getting tired.. yes I don’t want to spend the rest of my days like this..for a number of years I actually felt hopeful of getting out..stronger, it was just a matter of time ..but herein lies the cautionary tale..abuse chips away at that confidence, at your self esteem, until you find yourself unsure, frightened and less..well thats how it has been for me..I feel less, and his angry face makes me feel afraid..Tonight he won’t speak to me. I’ve said something he doesn’t like..and this may well continue through tomorrow..he’ll decide. Even now I find myself wondering who would choose an atmosphere..particularly when social contact is limited..who would choose that..he decides it..I’m left with it.

[Author]

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