19th May 2020 at 9:04 pm #103829[email protected]Participant
Hi…I broke up with my partner (detail removed by moderator) ago and iv felt the worst iv felt in my life…I miss my partner soooooo much and no he feeling the same due to people coming to me saying we are rely worried ges lost weight crying to people in the street that he still loves me…I feel desperate to hold him again…what do u all think…I no 100% hes on tables and counciling but I dint ni where a stand legally as iv geen told we couldn’t live together because of the kids? Advice needed plz xx
19th May 2020 at 9:26 pm #103832fizzylemParticipant
Hi, yes the emotional pain we feel after a break up can be feel hard to bare for a time, it does pass though, especially if we gain more self awareness and knowledge of what is abuse, have you considered the Freedom programme? WA could put you intouch with where you could access this if you call the helpline.
If you’ve been told you can’t live together by the authorities then I would take notice if this were me; women do lose their children if they continue with the relationship and this is discovered, usually a grandparent steps in but if this is not possible they will be taken into care. Sounds like you maybe feel you could tolerate the abuse and be together? Only your children can not can they, they need a fit and well mum and an abuse free home.
Ideally, you need to get into the mental position where you understand the need for this and feel signed up to it, are in agreement, if you don’t then you will continue to feel like someone or something is keeping you apart and this is not right or fair, when it is not good for you or the children to be around this man. At the moment it feels like you want him and need him, only you really don’t and are yet to see this. Keep reaching out for support and it will come. FL.x
20th May 2020 at 9:15 am #103870[email protected]Participant
Thank you for your response…is it not possible to be in a relationship with this man but not live together in order to keep things separate from my children..say if I had my place with the kids and he got his and only saw one another when the Kids are at their dad’s? X
20th May 2020 at 12:01 pm #103884fizzylemParticipant
I think you need to ask whoever it is that has said this to you, so you have what is expected clear in your mind. I can think of two cases, that I am aware of, where the woman continued to see the perpertrator and the children went to live with grandma and she only had a supervised access arrangement. I think they would take a dim view of this tbh. I think any contact will pose a risk to this becoming your reality.
It sounds like you are coming to terms with what has happened; I find it is always better to do nothing until the answer presents itself when I feel unsure what to do, so maybe sit with it for now and gather more information, but it also sounds like if you were to see him this would be a reaction to the pain of the loss you feel, and not an informed rational decision.
You want this man and your kids right? But the sad reality is that you have to choose here, you can’t have both. He has been deemed as dangerous to you and the children.
It sounds like you are struggling to see this man is no good for you, I think it is gaining the awareness re why this is that is where you need to be just now – it’s like you cant see it isn’t it? What is it that the authorities see that you don’t?
Try to put all your energy into caring for your children and into your own recovery – this will serve you best here. You will get through this once you decide this is where you want to be x
20th May 2020 at 12:34 pm #103887Wants To HelpParticipant
Painful as break ups are, even with abusers, please put your children before this man. They may be young now, but as they grow older and learn that you put an abusive man’s needs before their needs then this will have repercussions in later life. I have come across many children who have been badly affected by these decisions. Your future relationship with them will be harmed and so will they.
Your plan to see this man without involving your children is not going to work. It is a ‘secret plan’ you will not intend the authorities to find out about, but living in secret like this is not going to stay a secret and it will all come out in the end. You will end up lying to your children about what you did when they were with their dad etc, covering up who you have been in contact with. You will be having all of this deceit going on in the hope the authorities don’t find out and end up taking your children away.
If you are finding it painful now being without your abuser, how will you cope with the pain of being without your children? Which would be worse for you to live without? You cannot have both, you really do need to choose him or your children. I hope you make the right choice and choose them.
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