Another upsetting incident with eldest

[Serenity]

I feel really upset again, unfortunately.

I had a very busy weekend. There were two nights out. The first was lovely, the second really triggered me. A friend wanted to go on to a pub I said I didn’t like, but I was encouraged to go just for a quick drink ( I didn’t drink much).

It really triggered me. There were people there and lecherous men who made me feel really uncomfortable.

The next night, after the kids were in bed, I sat down in a downstairs room and the tears just came flooding. I didn’t know my eldest was going to get up to use the bathroom ( I wasn’t being noisy). He saw me crying, and he launched into quite a harsh tirade about why on earth was I up this late crying, what on earth was I doing, and just in general was not reflecting the fact that I was in fact upset and deserved some privacy.

I know he was probably worried under it all, which made his words come out a bit to
sharp, but he kept going on. I assured him I was ok, but told him that I didn’t want him speaking to me like that.

Today he came home and was mimicking the behaviour of his dad. Ignoring, scowling, the dark looks. I asked him why he was so moody, that I was allowed to get upset at times, that I had a lot on my plate. Of course, in reality, I feel really guilty that I cried in front of him. The kids have been through enough. He said I was apparently rude to him, but as far as I remember, I was just telling him off for being rude to me. It’s like he’s gadlighting me.

It all sounds very petty written down- but there are undercurrents.

I refuse to do what I did with my ex- apologise for nothing.

Of course, maybe I should apologise to him for crying. My youngest asked me why I had been crying- my eldest must have said something. He said that children cry, not adults. How bad a parent do I feel.

I haven’t told them anything of my ex’s most recent financial threats. I know I am feeling worse because of it.

Please tell me, was I wrong in all this? I didn’t expect either child to find me crying- and I was in quite a bad way.

I feel that all my attempts to be a good Mum are failing. Hardly the graceful swan, am I?

[KIP.]

Hey, adults cry too and there is no shame in that. A natural realease for feelings. Human. Not bad parenting. Youre not failing at all. You provide a good safe home. Love, support, encouragement and food on the table. More appreciation should be coming your way x

[Eve1]

I feel for you. And you weren’t wrong. We are being both parents and is so tough wnen we ate doing the right thing by our children and they are influenced by our abusers.

Sending you back those hugs you sent to me.

xx

[Author]

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