Another weird post from me…

[Alone]

I was heading home from somewhere this evening, and I missed the last train, and ended up travelling a long way, lost in thought.

First it struck me that in terms of the time and arriving home, I had nothing to be scared of. Usually I would be panicking, about whether I would be locked out intentionally, and I would be receiving abusive texts with all kinds of accusations, that I didn’t really miss the train, that I’m evil and doing it on purpose, that I’m hiding money that I’m using to go out (I don’t go places that cost, I’m happy walking around with just a camera!)

It’s really strange. I can come home whenever I want now, and no one is going to attack me for it. But I can’t be happy about it, I miss it. I guess it makes sense to miss it, because that was the only relationship I had with my mum, those were our interactions, so it’s missing her, not missing being abused. If I had managed to leave I believe I would be happy and proud during moments like this, but as she actually passed away, it’s impossible to feel that way about it.

I just feel really empty and lost. I’m not used to not having to feel scared and watch my every move, so it feels like something massive is missing from my life. I feel numb… I can’t be happy about these things, but I don’t feel fear anymore. So the feelings I associated with daily life are now redundant….

This is all so difficult.

I really should stop thinking and get ready for bed, I have work tomorrow, and I’m struggling with sleep already!

xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi Alone,

Your feelings are normal. It will just take time for your healing to start. Keep reading the posts as much as you need and this will change your perspective on you and your abusive family. Knowledge is Power.  (detail removed by moderator)I’m no contact with her for many years to preserve my sanity but as a result of that action I am judged by my children and some friends. As her façade to them is one of goodness, they think I am cruel. I don’t know why I’m sharing my experience but I just want to give you some support.

Let yourself feel whatever you feel. Its very early days. try and be very gentle on yourself. You have a lot to process. Would it help to maybe ring Women’s Aid at some stage and chat to them about your thoughts and feelings as they would understand the dynamics of the effects on us when our abuser dies.

Hope you manage to sleep.

[Author]

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