Anti-molestation and occupation order – against me!

[Grateful]

Anyone know how I can defend an occupation and anti-mol order? As never ceases to amaze me, my husband has turned the tables on me. Claiming he is the abused one who cannot cope. He has stopped work now too..

I very recently left my husband and rented a small property expecting my teenage daughter to come with me to live. Instead she stayed at home with her pets and bedroom – and (non-physically) abusive father.
Over christmas when my other children came home for the holidays, I was told he was upsetting them.

I decided that if my daughter did not want to live with me in a small place, then I had to go back to the house to be with her, and support her when he was abusive. (No dont go back, I hear you all shout) I have given notice on my place and have to leave in february. My daughter wants me to be back in the house.

I felt strong enough to deal with him, given the fact that the abuse is finally out in the open, and the police told me he could be prosecuted under the control and coercion legislation, for all his non-pysical abuse. When I said I was going back, my husband has completely upped the anti; he threatened to call the police if i turn up ‘causing a breach of the peace’ since I intend to go back just to provoke him, he claims. When my solicitor advised him i had a right to occupy the place, he has applied for a court order and anti-molestation order.

He has started to write texts using all the right works ‘ he is scared, fears for the family…. it stinks. All in preperation of making his case. He accused me of doing lots of research and plotting with womensaid, freedom programme, Refuge support worker, Domestic abuse councelling etc – all the wonderful support network to help me through this saga. He is the plotter and schemer. I fear that as he is so convincing and I cannot string two sentences together, that I know he will get his court order – since it seems to me that the abuser always wins. I’ve never even shouted at him! I have stood up for myself after a few decades of marriage and it has landed me in deeper waters.

My daughter told me she thinks he is vile. I want to be with her clearly now as he is just awful. i left to be away from all his endless abuse yet I have it on a daily basis. (I have not blocked him as very occasionally it is about our company or children.)

Anyway, what I wanted to know is does anyone know what evidence i need to provide to show I am not the abusive party in all this? Any words of wisdom and advice would be gratefully recieved.

I feel fearful and scared already and my memory is so poor. Goodness knows what attending court as a “bad” person will do to me. I want to curl up in a ball and stop the world. I feel as if im a pawn in his games – I dont want to play. Yet i have to stay in order to help my daughter.

[SunshineRainflower]

This sounds horrendous, I’m very sorry to hear about what he is doing. I don’t know anything about these orders, but it struck me that the only reason your daughter stayed was for the pets. Could you find a place to rent for you both that accepts pets? That would enable you to get out away from him, by being near him it just gives him loads of fuel and things to turn against you. It would also show you want to steer clear of him, whereas he could use you returning as some weird kind of evidence against you since he is already doing this sort of thing. It is also not safe to be around someone like this, and will ruin your mental and physical health the longer you stay.

I would say the best thing is to stay as calm as you can, stick to facts, and compile a log of detailed evidence from the past, present and future. Dates, times, details, photographs etc. It will make it much easier to argue your case if you are clear, calm and backed up with lots of evidence. What he wants is to drive you crazy and ruin you. Keep accessing the support and advice from womensaid too.

Very sorry to hear you are going through this, don’t give up.

[maddog]

My husband did the same. He kept on nagging and nagging me about opening a letter from his solicitor. On a Sunday. The IDVA was the first person to read it, and she put me onto a specialist DA solicitor, who told me to take no notice. My husband would have to take me to court and that would take time. If nothing else it is evidence of his abuse. If you have been working with WA and been on the Freedom Programme, that is evidence that you have endured DA. That you have had to leave the home for your own safety is also evidence. The police have files on him.

He is mashing your head. My charming husband is doing trying the same. Today I spoke to the family SW about something new I learned which horrified me. I know my husband is a liar and will do or say anything to save himself. I still don’t actually know the truth of what happened. All that he has told me, defensively, is that he was ‘upset’. This could easily mean a full blown rage.

[KIP.]

Keep all the evidence you can. If he is contacting you regarding the kids and business then he is not in a state of fear. I know the pull the children have but by returning you are showing your daughter that it’s ok to stay when it’s not. Don’t be swayed by what your daughter wants. You are the adult and it’s upto you to show her that it’s not safe for you to return. His abuse of her will get worse as he uses her to hurt you. Do you really want to fight him in court for the right to return to him? If I was going to court it would be to fight to have him removed from the home and ask for a non mol order. See what evidence you have with your solicitor to get him out.

[KIP.]

Forgot to say Court is very expensive and will require witness affidavits. This is where they can drag the kids into the legal mess. Court is very adversarial and he will say things about you that are total lies and horrendous but he will say the things he knows will cripple you most. I would be saving my money for the divorce and finances. Get them moving quickly and he may have to move or sell the house anyway. Good legal advice. Ring Rights for Women. They offer free legal advice x

[Grateful]

Thanks for the advice SunshineRainflower and KIP. Yes, my daughter is only staying for the pets! I shall start looking for a bigger place, as I just had a chat with my daughter who said she will come to live with me bringing the pets too of course.
Bizarrely my husband keeps telling me to speak to him to sort things out so that we dont spend too much on solicitor fees, but then he applies for these orders. He is a complete (detail removed by moderator) and just has to win and beat me at all costs.

[KIP.]

Hi Grateful, please remember these men are most dangerous when we are ending the relationship and they start to lose control. Mine went from being really pleasant and adult about things, then when I wouldn’t back down he showed his true violent colours. Unpredictable nasty men that want to win at all costs. Even if they drag absolutely everyone down with them. I wouldn’t even tell him your intentions. Just keep it quiet until after your daughter moves out x you don’t need to tell him anything. Let him deal with your solicitor.

[Grateful]

Thanks KIP. I shall remind my daughter not to say anything to him until we have everything sorted and she has moved out. You are so right about them becoming more unpredictable when we end the relationship. He really is getting desperate with his behaviour. I’ve previously read, on the forum, that this happens, but now I am seeing it with my own eyes.

[maddog]

For help with the pets, some charities will foster if you can’t keep them with you. If you google RSPCA pet retreat, you will find lots of information. I don’t know if I’m supposed to put links on here. My husband’s behaviour is becoming increasingly desperate as well. He petitioned me for divorce in a fit of rage, and demanded that I leave my home within a week of receiving the letter from his solicitor threatening non mol & occupation order. That was back in August.

Now the odds are stacking up against him and I found out he had lost his temper with someone else and they had to call the police. He told me he was ‘upset’.

It’s a horrible time.

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