Anxiety about my past

[Ayanna]

Now that my head becomes clearer, I wonder about many things that happened to me in my life.
I just spoke to my mum and she is so unhappy that I am so far away, sick and without any support.
But … there is the big BUT. Can I go back if I wanted to? I do not think so. Two abusers are waiting there for me: the adopted son and his older brother, who is (removed by moderator) and manipulates the authorities and who is an ex.
I can never go back. I would not be safe. He wants money off me. I cannot un-adopt him. I tried, but the laws there are not like that.
He will inherit from me if I live there. The law there is like that. He can claim money off me because he is my son. If he finds out I am there I will not be safe, because I dealt with him in my own way after he tried to rape me at knife point.
And that was harsh for him.
I could not report him to the police because in those days these type of rapists could rape and kill us without getting punished. I would have gotten into so much trouble had I reported him. His older brother would have followed me and finished me off. He once came to my flat in England and stole (removed by moderator)  because he needed them for something in the other country.
That adopted son is so manipulative. He got under the worst influence and he gets money from not working but doing other things.
I even doubt anybody would believe me there, because he belongs to the group of the favored ones, who can do anything they like.
So, I stay where I am and try to have a peaceful life.
I wonder how it happened that I ended up with this abusive ex husband. I was doing well, I pursued my career and I was determined not to get abused again ever.
This boy reoccurs in my head recently. I have almost forgotten about him. Even when I go to that country and the city where I lived I do not think about him. These days I think that in a small city like that he could see me one day and that would be the beginning of new trouble. I really do not want to risk this.
I hope that he forgot about me. But who knows. These people never forget about sources of money they can abuse.
I wonder whether the police there is now more open if I wanted to speak to them. It happened a long time ago.
At the moment I feel that I should try and speak to them. Maybe they have something against him and his brother and if I say something that would help. With all the problems they have there now, all the raping and killing of women and children, maybe they will listen to me?
Also, what will I do with my degree in that country? I could never find work there in the field where I work now.
Thinking of the abuse that I suffered in those days from the hands of that boy and his older brother, who is older than me and with whom I was in a relationship, what happened to me that I fell into the hands of that violent ex husband, who was the worst of all regarding physical and sexual violence?
I know that before I found it hard to be alone and to do things on my own. I always wanted to be in company and I wanted to be in a relationship.
I managed to be on my own for several years before I met the man who almost killed me. I was not happy to be alone and I was looking for a relationship and it took a while to find someone. And it happened to be this one. Was my inability of being alone contributing to me overlooking the warning signs?
I completely changed and I prefer to be alone. I have no interest in any man.
Two days ago I ordered a pizza and the man who brought it was eye candy. I noticed it, but that was all, it did nothing else to me. In earlier days I would have wanted to know whether he has a girlfriend. Now I have no emotions regarding such great looking men. I just notice it, nothing else.
I enjoy the peace and quiet of being alone so much.
I do not think I will ever have a relationship with a man again.
But this past … it is a horrible past. His brother was my boyfriend for several years and he abused me emotionally and financially. He completely destroyed me financially.
This is a chapter of my life I have never dealt with. I buried it. When he split up with me on the phone, because I refused to come back, I was inconsolably hurt for years. Crazy me. This man never loved me, he used me to brag with me and to get money out of me.
He is still around.
He is (removed by moderator) and not successful. I am sure he has not changed his ways. Abusers never change. And many people are not as stupid as he thinks and see through him.
I have an old bill with him. May be I should contact the women support group there and ask what to do?
Although, they have funny laws there. Once something happened a while ago they do not want to hear it.
I wonder who in the police there would want to listen to me. They usually never listened and fobbed me off.
My concern is for my future. My parents are becoming so frail and I plan to go there more often.
What am I going to do if they find out that I am coming there? What if they follow me? They have their gang spread out everywhere. I do not want to put my parents in danger.
Sorry for my all over the place writing. These thoughts bother me and I do not think that I exaggerate.

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs Ayanna

I just want to show you support and you do to me.

You need to talk with people that know the law and customs where you use to live.

I can under your concerns about your parents, but like me they will want you safe even if that means contact by phone/skype.

Its sicken that we always have to be alert.

FS xx

[Ayanna]

Thank you for your reply.
My parents do not know anything about this and I cannot tell them. It would kill them to know that I had adopted this type of person.
Also, they would never accept what I have done in general and they would not understand my motives at the time.
It would cause turmoil. My parents are sick and I cannot upset them.
My mother does not understand why I do not move back. She wants me by her side. I do not like to live there, but I want to see my mother more frequently.
I also cannot tell my siblings or their partners, they would be so angry with me and probably cut me off entirely.
I am in a difficult situation 🙁

[godschild]

So sorry to hear you have gone through so much Ayanna and to be in such an awkward position with your Parents needing you, just wanted to express my care to you but don’t know anything about the laws xx

[Falling Skys]

O Ayanna

This is so hard for you. My mother is frail and only knows the bully side of the abuse I have been through. Like you I have hidden a lot.

You must put your a safety first.

FS xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Ayanna,

You always come and try and help me but I am afraid I really don’t have any answers for you, the situation you were in sounds very complex and very distressing. I am glad that you are now out of it and I wondered if you had any help with dealing with all these issues you have dealt with ? I wish I could say something to make you feel better and like the others I too wanted to show you some support like you do us xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Ayanna, i’m so sorry to hear what a predicament that you are in. I know that try to erase thoughts no matter how are you try to, does not always work. I’m desperately trying to get my ex out of my head but every hour of every day he is there. I hated him then and have no feelings for him now but I am still obsessed. This is tricky situation with regards to you visiting your parents. I wonder as these things happened so long ago it if it has become bigger in your mind than the reality? I think that happens sometimes. I obsess about someone each and every day but i doubt that person has given me a second thought & moved on months ago, i suppose this makes me even more of a victim. If you go there it might not be as bad as you think? Also it likely that you look quite a a lot different now? Can you parents not meet you periodically at another place in the country, spend the weekend together with them, this would take away the risk. Yesterday I spoke to some women about reporting my ex for fraud, i can do this anonymously, I know that he is doing that & it would give me an element of satisfaction. They both advised me strongly against this as he would know it is me. With your scenario it is a long time ago so I expect you would get away with getting revenge. I think though that that would just put another hook of them into you, a fresh one. You did so well to get away and will come to a workable conclusion to enable you to see your parents, is it not an option for them to come to you? My experience of the police involving violent situations with local men was not good, they did nothing. X*X

[Ayanna]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I never felt guilty about my last marriage and what happened there. But about that long ago relationship and the adoption of that boy I have and do feel incredibly guilty. What was I thinking? What was wrong with me? This boy remains legally my son forever. It cannot be undone. The inheritance laws there are different. So he will inherit from me whether I like it or not if I live there. If my parents pass away I need to buy a property in England in order to avoid that this boy or his kids inherit from me. I can never own anything there because he can claim it if he needs financial support. And he will do that for sure if he finds me out.
Also, I am scared that he sends his friends to burgle my parents if he finds out where they are. He is a vile person and I know what to expect from him.
My parents never travel and they are too frail to leave their home. They did not keep up with technology and do not even have a mobile phone.
I am stuck, really.
I will go there, but I need to become good in combat and I will have to watch my back that nobody follows me.
I have a friend there. She contacted me out of the blue last week and said she will visit me this year. I think I will tell her about this and maybe she can help me to find the right person in the police to speak to. But then, after not seeing her for years, telling her such a story? She will lose respect for me 🙁

[Healthyarchive]

Is there a reason the adopted son is fresh in your mind now, or your ex? Have you heard from either of them or is it because your mum is poorly that it has brought back memories as they all live in the same region? i think your right about protecting your assets, you dont want him getting his hands on any of your things. A relative of mine has recently lost a house to a long lost son who he has never even met. This house was worth thousands and the son got the lot. Keep abreast of the law is what i would advise. X

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

So sorry for what you experienced,u have done well to escape them and kept yourself safe,again like the others not sure how to advise u, i can just say if u ever decided to visit your parents please be careful to protect yourself and your tracks, again i would advise u to take professional advice in what your options are

[Ayanna]

Yes, I am fully informed about these laws. That’s why I will never own anything there.
I have never completely forgotten about him, as I was always aware of the looming danger.
I have never before been concerned about my parent’s safety because they were both strong, had dogs and were alert.
But things have changed recently and they become helpless.
There is a realistic chance that he can see me when I travel there. I have to go through the capital, where he lives, and that city is not big. I found out about his lifestyle and I have seen all the pictures of him. He is more frightening and diabolical than ever.
Over the years I kept track of him, because I had hoped that he would be deported. But instead he managed to get back.
I know how he did that and I know what sort of money he makes. It is all disgusting.
I keep hoping that one day he will get arrested. They regularly arrest those kind of people. I keep hoping that one day he will be among those people.
I never stay in the capital for long. I just pass through as quickly as I can.
What angers me is that I have these restrictions in order to have a peaceful life. And I do not want to put my parents in danger. That I could never forgive myself.
My parents do not understand why I do not want to buy a property there and I cannot tell them. They hurt. But if they knew it would be much worse. I do not want to hurt them that badly. The fragile relationship that I have with them would probably break and it would make them sicker.
That ex surfaces regularly. The hurt was too much to completely forget him. At the moment I think again how to take action against him without him knowing it is me.
I saw that ex a few years ago in the public transport when I was married. He was still in and out of England. I know that he saw me. He was inside the train and looked me directly in the face and I saw that he instantly recognized me. I quickly disappeared in the crowd. The world is so small.

[Healthyarchive]

How long ago was it that you got a good look at your ex and your adopted son, and they got a good look at you?

If you get a taxi directly from the airport to your parents house and time it well you could do it. Think about and plan the timings so you will not be noticed. You would probably have to stay in the house while you are there. Have your parents had any threats, visits or unusual activity over the years? Would it be possible for you to stay in the house and not go out, they wouldn’t ask why you couldn’t all go out?

[Ayanna]

Yes, I already take a taxi to a further away train station where I hope they will never go. My parents live far away from the city and they do not know where that is. My fear is that someone will follow me one day and find out. In that village that boy would instantly be recognized as a dangerous stranger and people would take note of him or his friends.
When it comes to that it is most of the time already too late. I do not want to let that happen in the first place.

I hope I find someone in the police to talk to, who does not tell my parents but watches over them, I wish …

The ex saw me (removed by moderator)  ago. That is not a long time. It seems he has left England now for good and stays over there and tries to make business. He must have failed here. I think his manipulations are not new here and were found out. Over there people know lesser about people like him, although they also wise up quickly. That would explain to me why he is not successful at all there and has nothing but trouble.

[Healthyarchive]

Something happened to me many many years ago when I was young. I was so deeply traumatized i developed agoraphobia and social phobia and could not venture out or could only venture out under various circumstances. For me the only thing that cured that was the passing of time, I told myself that people that I had upset would have forgotton, though I felt that i lost around 20 yrs of my life as i were always looking over my shoulder. Moving away to another area was also a great healer. I think htat I had PTSD. I have been cured of that for about 18 years. X*X

[Ayanna]

I agree, time is a great healer. Maybe one of them dies with time. That would be a relief. Unfortunately their family members all have very long lives. Their grandmothers became (removed by moderator) years old and their dad is very old and still makes babies. They have the mentality that they would sell their own mother for money.

[Healthyarchive]

What do you think you will do?

[Ayanna]

I am clueless so far. But I must do something.

[Author]

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