Anxiety and feeling trapped

[anotherlife]

I’ll try make this quick as I just want to get I out. It’s nothing major and I’m seeing much worse posts this week.
After an awful year and years of control I hadn’t noticed fully at the time, I have no love for him, I feel suffocated mentally after the emotional turmoil and verbal abuse over more than a year (v bad).
We have 2 kids, I have bone and health problems which makenit harder to get a job, he’s been so self important.
After realising I couldn’t take any more, he really calmed it down. Then it started again but then he stopped after seeing he was losing us. I wish I hadn’t made it so obvious as he’s turned a new page (for a while…), I haven’t seen him this nice in years. So the kids are feeling ok with him again. I can’t stand it tho8gh. I can’t bear him to touch me, so I’ve told him he can’t. It took so much strength to say it.
I feel so trapped and I’m getting more anxious again. It feels so wrong being together but I just can’t make that decision right now.
I just wanted to get this out before I cry or scream. I rarely cry but it’s all getting too much.

[KIP.]

I remember that feeling very well. I had made my mind up to go and he switched from Mr Hyde to Dr Jeckyl. It’s all part of the dynamics of abuse. It took a bad assault and police intervention for me to finally get rid of him. Even after that there was this incredible bond that took a couple of years to shake. I believe this is why women are murdered. Because we normalise the abuse and become trapped in our own heads. We minimise to cope. That anxiety will be making any medical conditions you have a lot worse. All I can say is this new act isn’t the real him. He’s playing a game on being nice to keep you hooked in but it won’t last. You need support to get out of this. Friends family women’s aid etc. It’s too hard on your own so reach out. Speak to your GP. Speak to a solicitor. Speak to women’s aid. They day will come when you’ve simply had enough. Remember he knows your weaknesses and will exploit them x

[Iwantmeback]

I too am like you, put up with this for decades and only just recently realised this is not a normal relationship. I literally never crossed my mind before to end it, crazy isnt it?
I’m so glad you reached out and wrote what you did, have you kept journals over the years too? I too have chronic pain plus a myriad of other stuff. Much im sure would not be as bad if i was not with him. They know us so well, that yes they know when we’ve gotten to a point of ending it, that’s when the nice man we fell for shows his face. @kip said the nasty, evil man is the real him, the nice man is the mask which slips as it so often does to show the monster he truly is. I can no look beer c bear mine to touch me either. Without love or even fancying someone, women cant just have sex, there has to be a connection. I bet he’s called you such horrible names over the years made out you were useless in bed, after you’ve had sex. My oh has said on many occasions he is only emptying his you know what. Women are jyst sp..k buckets. I am so sickened by how he talks to me and about other women, he really disgusts me at times. Just occasionally i feel compassion and we do have sex, but it’s because i want to. If you find yourself doing it, don’t feel bad, we can’t help how our bodies work, it’s all biology. Once you can disassociate from him mentally, emotionally will follow.
As @Kip says get advice, the more you learn the stronger you will feel. Wa are brilliant, try your local one if you can’t get through on national line. They can help you with benefits, with a solicitor who knows about DA .
I’ve been on here for a few months now, considering where i was, lying on the couch with a blanket over me throughout the day, I’m progressing v bit by bit.
You’ll go when you are ready to. No one pushes you, you just get choices and can take things at your own speed.
You can do this, post on here as often as you want, user it as a diary if that helps. I’ve remembered stuff just by reading others posts and thought, he does that.
We seem to be being bombarded by domestic abuse all around us. Honestly this is a good thing, though it can also make you question yourself. I have, I’ve thought a few times, am i projecting what an abuser does onto him and he’s really just a normal guy with some issues. But them i say if that was the case, why do i feel the way i do, why do i not tell him things because i dont know how he’ll take it?
We know deep down what he is, its just so bl…y hard facing up to being conned.
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

I had an interesting visit with a psychologist recently. She says I’m incredibly unhappy and sad but she doesn’t really think I’m suffering from depression, which is a weight off my shoulders. She said considering the insane situation I’m in it’s a wonder i am sane. My feelings are what a normal person would go through considering how my OH treats me. I am in survival mode dealing with the fight/ flight mode on a daily basis. We all know this anyway, but it was good to hear a professional reiterate that, no you’re not crazy or mad, but he is making you feel like you are. Once I’m out and safe she says i should go for counselling but thinks i won’t need it(because of my attitude to life) but it’s available if i want it. In other words she sees me as a strong, bolshy woman, who cares about others and had been used and manipulated by a horrible man fir his own needs. She actually said i was bubbly and passionate and she’d only seen me about 20mins when she saw they side of me💜. She applauded my gp for not pushing anti depressants on me plus i made it clear that i wanted to feel what is going on, i needed to be aware of what is going on in my life. She had no idea how even that 1hour meeting with her had made me see me, made me realise I’m not stupid or crazy or useless or all the other horrible things he says about me.
I can be strong and i can have a good life, only i can decide when enough is enough.
Feeling pretty positive just now

IWMB 💕💕

[Julka]

Anotherlife, same here, husband tiptoeing around me and being so nice and accommodating – not taking ownership of much though – it makes you feel mad for thinking about and planning on leaving… part of the game and I know it but I’m not sure how much thatvknowlegde helps at times…
IWMB – how did you get to see a psychologist? It’s going to sound mad but I’m desperate to hear a professional tell me that I’m not mad – again, I kind of know that I’m not, but then next minute think that perhaps I actually am… how can one make a life changing decision like that??? I had situations in a shop where I can’t even decide between two types of cheese, never mind whether to break my family apart for good 🙁

[Iwantmeback]

Hi @Julka, i asked my doctor, i said i felt i needed someone to talk to, to make sense of everything in my head. It was a preliminary meeting to decide what type of counselling would suit my needs best. Guess what, I’m not crazy🤗 but he is making me crazy with his gaslighting and constant changing of the goal posts.
I so get how you can’t choose a bit of cheese. I hate going shopping now, it’s exhausting trying to pick something that he’s going to like and not cause a strop. I literally walk around the shops in a daze unsure of what to buy. Since all my dinners are sh..e, i cant decide on what to buy. BUT recently, he’s even been saying this is nice, that was lovely, w.f is going on. I guess its anither game, since he knows he’s pushed me so far, he’s got to reel me back in🤨
But i see him now, i see what he does and what he is. I am getting stronger. I’m emotionally detaching and if it makes him walk away all the better.
Hope this helps Julka.
IWMB 💕💕

[Halfwayout]

Good for you IWMB,chuffed to hear you’ve had a good day and another rung on the ladder has been successfully negotiated. I’ve wondered recently if with winter & the situation if I was slipped into depression also, but I just think im low, I’m functioning at work but no spark, thankfully my colleagues know just to leave me. It is an obsession and wondering once I get out how it will affect me does frighten me.
Today I will say was a tough one but thankfully reading yours and other positive posts on here has helped me stay positive, keep going IWMB, we’ll get there. ❤️

[Iwantmeback]

Hi @Halfwayout, thank you. I think it’s very important for us to share our positive days as much as it is to share our stories. It helps show that other people care about us and our situations. I feel ‘happier’, if that’s the right word. Knowing i am me, and he’s trying to make me into someone im not, that’s helped so much.
Knowing a stranger saw me, buried, but scratching at the surface, that’s a good feeling. Guess I’m not as buried deep down as i felt or thought😊
IWMB 💕💕

[Petite]

I have been with my husband over (detail removed by moderator) we got 2 young children now. Last year he asked me for a divorce while I was 7 months pregnant and then he started to be really nasty to me, use to treat me like I mean nothing to him after whole these years and expecialy being pregnant with his child. Whole (detail removed by moderator) he was lying all the time always make up stories, we work in the same place just opposite shifts so everything he did or said it come back to me. I wanted to be with him so I was begging him to stay but didn’t work. So he was trying to kick me out of the house with kids and when I finally decided that i want to leave he went to doctors and got diagnosed with depression so he wanted to sort things out I said ok…. Lasted 6 weeks and he left me again like I mean nothing at all, he was horrible always blamed me for everything made feel like I’m just never be good enough. He was cheating all the time while I was on maternity. So after crying and feeling bad I said ok I’m leaving had enough so I got help from council to rent a house and I was about to leave and 2 days before o went to view a house he told me that he feel suicidal since walked away from me and he told me about girl he was seeing and was really sorry and he loves me and I still stayed now lasted 3 months and things didn’t change I find out he was gambling and had so much debt all lies and secrets started all promises he maid just to get me back didn’t happen… And now again we are separating 6 weeks Still live together and I’m done I’m drained I lost 7kg over few weeks and weigh 45kg just got diagnosed with anxiety and I’m still stuck living with him because I can’t find a house suitable for me and kids around my area and cheap enough. He already got a new girlfriend and she is from work and he keep threating me to bring her in the house while kids here and he knows that hurts me. I’m sat there in the house with him and all I feel is pain and he sat there texting his girlfriend and it hurts me. He was trying on my last 2 weeks he couldn’t bare the fact I don’t want him anymore and I’m not his, he tried to kiss me many times and touch me even tho he has girlfriend how sick is that I’m crazy or its normal for people to do that….Am I over reacting or its a abusive relationship and hardest year of my life….I don’t know what to do nobody seems can help me

[Iwantmeback]

Oh my poor girl, you are in an awgul situation. Know we are here any time to listen to you. He’s had more time to chip away at your self esteem hadn’t he. Do you know the girl in question, could you ask her if she’s okay with moving in with you all. You’ll probably find she thinks you’ve left or are in the near future.
He’s not got depression he’s not suicidal, he’s manipulative and a rat! You are not over reacting, your reaction is perfectly normal, it’s a wonder you’ve managed to restrain yourself, not that I’m condoning violence in any way.
Where in his deluded little mind does he think this is acceptable behaviour😠
Have you contacted WA they are a great support network. Someone is always on here to try and help you move forward. Baby steps sweetheart, one step at a time. You’ll find the strength to own his a..e and then you’ll be invincible.

IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

Hi there,

Abusive men use cheating and rubbing it in your face as a tactic to hurt you. Its the lowest of the low who do this. Hes not treating you like a human being, this is there way of rationalisiong that what hes doing is ok. Hes basically doing what ever he wants. He wil be hiding behind depression and suicide to make you feel guilty so that you wont cut him off. But this is exact what you have to do. Go no contact, your heal th wll suffer if you don’t. id keep him away from the house call the police as he is using coercive control over you, he s emotionally abusing you they will take this seriously. Have him warned to stay away. If he dosent adhere call the police again don’t answer your door he will get the picture. Can you get some support ie someone with you when you do this. id contact WA, get in touch with your doctor too they can help. Write everything down from start to finish and let the police read it. WA will give you the moral support you need and we will be here with you every step of the way, stay safe xxxx

[Petite]

He definitely ruined me. I look at myself and thinking what the hell did happened to me ? I don’t love myself anymore I’m so skinny now just bones left and I used to love myself. I’m scared t get a message of him or what else he will say and do to hurt me. I’ve been to doctors got a anxiety tablets now and got 4 weeks of work coz he is from same place and he manage to know my every step even he works opposite shift. I was in HR yesterday and 10min after I had a message from him asking me why I’m at HR office and I know it was his girlfriend who told him she saw me. He made me look like a joke in everyone eyes all work knows what he is doing and what he said about me but obviously nobody told me for whole year. Now I found out he was sending sexual messages to one of my old friends and basically col her a s**g I wish she reported him ,coz 3 years ago he was suspended for same thing but he lied to me he said he was nothing to do with it. He been controling me for so long and I just now realized that’s not normal, how many bad things he said to me how much he is trying to hurt me.. He was staying with his gf for last couple weeks now he is staying here at home and acting like we are something , he said to me yesterday would I sexualy massage his hip ( he fell downstairs another day) I tried to ignore him and said no, why is he acting after all he done to me having a girlfriend we would play family now. He wanted to shave sex with me for the last 3 weeks so that’s why I didn’t believe when he told me he has gf.. I thought if you got gf you moved on and you wouldn’t keep trying on me, and I was rejecting him all the time so he said I don’t want to be with you but still f**k you.. I always thought he has depression that’s why I was always not taking so seriously all the anger issues, screaming while driving, he would stop in the middle of the road and go fight with people and then would balmer me. Whole year been struggling with my emotions once I did tell him that something is up with meight got anxiety so he made feel bad about it and started to look at me like he don’t want me if I’m unhappy and got issues.

[diymum@1]

It’s good that you’ve gone to see the GP. Have a read of why does he do that then you’ll understand what he’s up to. You won’t want to be in contact once you realise what he’s doing. It sounds like coercive behaviour and stalking. He could be in a lot of trouble with the police for acting in this way. I hope your okay xx 💕 💕 stay safe xx

[Petite]

Thank you all. I’m so hurt and drained with all this. We been separating for (detail removed by moderator) weeks now and still live under same roof , he got girlfriend already for (detail removed by moderator) weeks and he was playing games with me for (detail removed by moderator) weeks. He tried to sleep with me for like 10 times and it didn’t happen. But I’m so fed up with all this he was all nice (detail removed by moderator) cleaned whole house offered me a hot drink and said he is on break with his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to go see her he will stay at home at focus on kids (detail removed by moderator). But what a surprise got a message saying he will stay late and he might go out for a drink and stay up his friends… What a b******t when I told him to stop lying then he admitted going over her to spend a night. Why the hell still lie about it. He been lying to me for so long , cheating on me but now he is rubbing their relationship in my face and I couldn’t help it just to let all my pain to him and he just didn’t care he just using it all my pain to hurt me again and laugh about it. How to cope with all this untill I move out? What do I do after? How will i fix myself?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Petite, we fix ourselves one step at a time,it’s all we can do💛 your relationship is hard to read about, i can’t begin to imagine how you are dealing with it living it.
Wow he’s on a break from his girlfriend, how bl..dy big of him. Do you rent your house jointly or own it. Is it possible to get the locks changed while he’s at his ‘girlfiends’. I cannot believe he’s rubbing your nose in it like this, he’s despicable. i think I’d have ki..ed him by now. 😠I hated having to write that word there,(girlfriend) I feel I’m rubbing your nose in it too.😔
They make us hate and loathe ourselves fir so long and then one day, we become aware that this isn’t right, we’re not putting up with this anymore. IF you decide to call the police because his behaviour is making you feel you’re going crazy, ask for an officer that knows about domestic abuse situation, he’s threatening to put you and the kids out onto the streets, you’re scared fir your lives, which you are, it’s not as if you’re making it up. Let them know he’s got a g/f and he rubs that in your face, taunting you with it. I am including you in my prayers tonight and hope you receive love and strength from me and our Lord, whatever your faith is💛
IWMB 💕💕

[Petite]

Can’t do this anymore. We are renting this house so can’t really do nothing about it. I’m so tired with all this god I’m tired. I just want to leave and sort myself and kids out, Xmas soon and I hav no idea where will I be , might have to spend Xmas in the shelter with kids. God when this night mare will end been suffering badly for whole year. What he done to me it’s broke me and still hurting me and I don’t even want to see him, I’m emotionally scarred of him I got that feeling in my stomach 24/7 I just want to feel like me again… Thank you for support 😪

[Iwantmeback]

Women’s aid solicitor can get him out of the house, please try and get an appointment to see one of them, with one of the support workers. There is a way out of this nightmare i promise. We are our own knights in shining armour the end of the day💪💛
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

Would refuge maybe be an option for you? The mental torture of him rubbing this woman in your face is really distressing for you. I had similar it really messes with your self Esteem and confidence xx 💕 💕 DIY

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