Anxiety I think?

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
I started this journey as I broke down amd told my (detail removed by moderator) what was happening after he kept asking about me. He was a great support and pointed me to you guys to a counsellor and was there when i needed to chat. I do talk to him alot as i have nobody else, when he sees a new bruise he asks he checks in on me i self harm when my husband is abusive i blame myself.
The last couple of times i have messaged the (detail removed by moderator) he hasnt responded at all but he still talks to me in (detail removed by moderator). Im worried have i moaned too much is he now bored of me complaining? He tells me i have to stop the abuse the self harm he says only i can make a change hes he is very focased and im not sure he totally understands but its been nice to be able to talk to someone. Am i just being anxious reading too much into this? Am i relying on the wrong person hes not a friend hes a proffessional who cared but seems to have gone quiet should I be worried? How do i stop this anxiety? In the past ive messaged him again and again if he didnt respond this isnt normal and im worried im going crazy that all this stress is making me into someone im not.
I am getting stronger better since being here a few weeks ago but this anxiety this worry is taking over and I dont need it. Anyone else have this?
Many Thanks xxxx

[Same-again]

Hi, a lot of things you said resonated with me. I did also self harm after ex had been violent. For me it was a way of coping with the emotional pain/trauma.

I have also acted out of character and in ways I would never have before. Abuse in all its forms can really twist your head. Don’t blame yourself but I think you’re right about your (detail removed by modertor). He sounds great btw and is behaving professionally and sensibly. I’d be careful your husband doesn’t read your messages to him as well.

I think you are understandably wanting to message him as he’s been there for you but I think he’s sensibly trying to navigate back to being professional.

I think he’s doing right as well – for you and him. You don’t want to jeapordise his friendship either because it’s great you have that (detail removed by moderator) time away from hubbie and keeps you strong mentally too.

Have you any other support? I found my GP really helpful. Anyway, I’m not much good at advice. Just wanted to say I understand really and that I’ve been there too. Xxxx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you @same-again sorry you are going through the same. You are so right Im sure he is just being proffessional and I did write and just say i was fine so not much he could reply really i am just over thinking over worrying it makes you feel so alone all this doesnt it so beaten so grubby i guess so when someone offers help and a kind word you grab on tight maybe too tight maybe i should back off a bit try and fight this on my own like you say i dont want to jepodise going to (detail removed by moderator) its my one hour of peace and safety.
Thank you so much you really have helped. Sending you hugs xxxx

[ISOPeace]

I’m not sure of all the details as your post has been moderated. I think you’re saying that you are in contact with some kind of professional, who has been very supportive but you’re worried that you’re asking too much of him (from your perspective and his) and that he may not fully understand abuse and self harm.

Firstly I would say it does sound like he doesn’t understand abuse if he’s saying you need to make it stop. I don’t really know anything about self harm, but in the same way that pressuring someone into leaving an abusive relationship isn’t helpful, I’m sure that saying you must stop isn’t helpful. In my experience, when you or someone else says you “should” do something, it creates fear and resistance and has the opposite of the intended effect.

He’s right that only you can make changes for yourself, but you can only do that when you are ready. We can only make lasting, healthy changes when we feel free enough and safe enough to do so. Forcing ourselves to do things can only take us so far.

Even if he doesn’t understand abuse, it sounds like he’s been a great support to you, and that in itself is wonderful. Maybe you could explain what you’re struggling with to him – that you really value his support but you don’t want to demand too much. It sounds like he is trying to make sure there is a little distance by not always replying and I mean that in a good way i.e. he is doing it to protect the relationship.

Abuse makes us doubt our judgement, because we’re always told we’re wrong. We spend so long focussing on the needs of our abuser that we unlearn about our own needs. Living in the chaos of abuse keeps your fight/flight response switched on, so anxiety is always close to the surface. Try to be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can in incredibly difficult circumstances. All the over thinking/worrying is your brain’s attempts to keep you safe, but it’s trying too hard this time. Who wouldn’t grab on tightly to kindness when they’re living in a war zone? You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re navigating your way through this and you will find your way. Sending lots of love xxxx

[nbumblebee]

@isopeace thank you yes thats pretty much it. He has been great but last few times i messaged him he hasnt responded i feel like hes bored almost. You are right i dont think he does understand whilst hes kind hes also determined that we choose are own lives and that i should just get up and go. Not as easy as that as we know. I panic after ive been honest with him i feel sick i worry I shake. Im like that with the counsellor too. Its all just hard frighteneing and alien to me. Im gonna try and chill not chat to him for a while try and find another way through see how that goes. Drives you crazy all this doesnt it. One day im strkng taking control feeling good next day im done, giving up, hurting myself. I just want it all to stop.
Thanks for your advice yet again sending you hugs

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