Anxiety nightmares

[Aliceinwonderland]

Hi there,
I am still very much in recovery after many years of control and emotional abuse. Years with bad insomnia and being in fight or flight mode and can’t seem to shift it at all. Bad relationship is well and truly over and has been a good while abd whilst physysically I don’t think he’s a threat I still have contact with childcare arrangements. Well the only threat now is financial ruin due to divorce but that was a risk I was prepared to take to protect myself and our children.
After boundaries put in place, no access to house abd supervised access with kids. Initially an agreement that made me feel safer but he’s overstepping boundaries again. Let’s himself in house, asks to use toilet etc. Making me look totally unreasonable in front of children if I were to say no to him.
He has introduced ‘secret cuddles’with children something he knows I would hate due to family experiences from my past. He always loves to say and do things to wind me up!
I know recovery is happening because I have made steps forward, I went on a date with soneone, I took a faulty dress back to shop to exchange even though I’d lost the receipt. Also my parking is better, I know some of these things sound ridiculous but they made me feel more confident and like I was winning the mental struggle.
One thing that persists is insomnia, I won’t take medication because he always said I was unstable and I don’t want to provide the evidence for it. When I do sleep I wake from nightmares and almost hallucinations they feel so real, like a spider on my face, a mouse running across my neck or crippling fear abd a feeling that someone is in the room, even though there isn’t. When we come to I realise it’s nightmares so I know I’m not mental but at the time it’s so real, and I am always frozen with fear, heart racing and totally helpless when this happened.
Any ideas would really help, sorry for extra long post today x*x

[Tiffany]

First, it sounds like you need to reduce contact. You say he lets himself into your house, which makes it sound like he has keys. I would start by changing the locks, because I would absolutely be having nightmares if I thought my abuser could get into my house.

Then I would either see if I could get someone else to do the handovers, and if you can’t then switch to doing them in a public place, that way there are witnesses if he tries to intimidate you, and he has no way to use the handovers to push his way into your home.

Once these problems are fixed my standard advice for insomnia is to listen to a nice audiobook as you fall asleep. This does various things, I find I notice background noises less so am less on edge. It also gives your brain something to focus on, so you aren’t focusing on the fact you aren’t sleeping or the anxieties that are stopping you sleeping. Just make sure it’s not so interesting you can’t sleep through it. I tend to go for children’s books which I know back to front, as I find them most soothing.

[Still-trying]

I agree with limiting the contact. Don’t feel bad for doing it. My parents hand my children to their dad. I have zero contact with him and it’s literally the only way I’ve got as far as I have. I know that finding a third part isn’t always possible but if it’s not, make it as limited as you possibly can. Just pass the children out of the door and say no if he asks to use the toilet. You have d**n good reasons for wanting little to do with him x

[Author]

Posts