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Just back from a trip, had about 6 letters to open, has left me feeling sick. Letters and the phone going with a number I don’t recognise give me anxiety everytime, feels like distress – still. Guess it’s the fear of incoming and a dread when I think oh no what now, please nothing else. Same happens on the odd occassion I have to go online to check for his email, have to mentally prepare first, although I am finding I can manage this a bit better these days because I choose when to do it and its not very often at all. I could quite happily never open another letter ever again.
Shows me so clearly how the after effects of abuse stay with us for such a long time – are with us and just under the surface – how complex it is – triggers and associations always hit – I can recognise what it is pretty much straight away these days – can see it’s often irrational, like with the letters, doesn’t stop it from hitting though hey. Thinking that when I have my own place and feel safe again this might fade with time?
I admire anyone who can go through this and form a successful, close relationship with a man afterwards – cant see me ever getting to this point and the older I get it seems more and more less important. I like knowing where I am and feeling free to be – there’s always compromises right? And stuff you could do without when being with someone? Although there is also some good stuff too hey and if I was with someone again I’d have to feel free to be for sure.
I trust my friends – as time has shown me these people dont make waves, more we just love and support one another – which I can do. Maybe that’s enough?
The only two reasons I can think of for having a man in my life would be to love and be loved, but I’m also thinking I’m too long in the tooth to believe in romantic love or to experience it now – its for the young right? It’s more about companionship in later years isn’t it? We dont feel that passion again do we? As we don’t feel our emotions so intensely?
My other reason would be to have someone to lean on sometimes when it’s one of those times I could really do with passing the baton – to care for one another in times of need – but saying that I do have a good support network and people I can always reach out to for help – can feel tiring be alone sometimes though. I honestly think if I had moved on with someone new he would have left me be as he would know my new man wouldn’t tolerate his BS – didnt happen though – have never felt ready.
Maybe someone to share some laughs with would be good too, I do tend to enjoy myself on my own and it doesnt really stop me doing any of the things I want to, and I’m pretty sociable when out and about – so although this would be fun – would I get this? Perhaps this needs to be on my must have list if I ever got to the thinking about a committment stage again? We would have to be able to laugh together? Every day!
I’ve actually never had a relationship with a man who has also been that friend to be goofy with – he cracked jokes – I humoured him and fake laughed last time – a lot – he thought he was funny – that was all that was important lol – I thought you’re pretty sick and twisted really aren’t you, we have a totally different humour – I used to get told off for being silly and immature – he didn’t get it. Might sound like a tall order, a high expectation, even unrealsistic? But thinking that we’d have to be ale to laugh everday otherwise I’d be settling, settling for kind maybe – and if this journey has taught me anything it’s to never settle ever again; and if that means being on my own so be it. I’m ok with this x
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I feel the same way, thankfully I don’t have any reason to have any direct contact with my Husband, but I still panic whenever I get an email late at night or a call from a private number. I also feel like I’ll never be able to form a relationship with a man, but I’m quite young and have only ever been in one relationship and I would like to have kids one day, so I feel like I have to. People are already suggesting that I start looking for someone else, but that’s not going to happen. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. I have a couple of relatives who have close male friends that they spend a lot of time with, and people often think that they’re in a relationship but they’re just very close friends. I think they enjoy having someone to spend time with and go on holiday with but they are still able to spend time on their own as well. They basically experience all the positives of being in a relationship without actually being in one and they seem happy with that. As long as you have people around that you enjoy spending time with that’s all that matters x
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I think that sounds great, guess we think more carefully about who if anyone we want to committ to living with in later years and after abuse. All the good stuff and none of the hassle lol – and personal space of course – personal space seems to now be pretty high up on what is important to me these days.
It will come when you’re ready NB, although we dont need a partner to have a child these days do we – just a thought. I raised one with a totally absent father, so proud of him, he’s such a joy, a very warm, compassionate young man now, family is everything to him. My younger child, her father has given us both nothing but grief; there’s much value to be found in raising a child your way – being free to decide what is best for her/him. As long as you have support from elsewhere too x
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Hi Fizzy 😊
I hope you had a lovely time away.
I don’t think we’re ever too old for love but maybe we’re just a little jaded. I too can’t ever imagine letting a man in ever again. I too would have a long list of requirements, gone are the days of wanting tall,dark and handsome, I’d want humorous, relaxed, genuine, honest, even tempered, able to laugh at himself and me when I do something daft, someone that will sing with me (completely out of tune) and who cherishes me for all the is good and all that isn’t about me – that’s a tall order to fill.
I get anxious if someone starts to ask me lots of questions…..takes me straight back, I’m just waiting to be admonished for something or made to feel stupid.
If I could, I’d buy a big house and fill it with women like us, offering friendship, love, support and no need to ever feel alone or unimportant again xx
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Hey fizzy, I’m in the same place. If I get mail for him now I pop it back in the post box with “moved thank god” on the envelope. I still get his emails, just rubbish that I unsubscribe from and soon I’ll close it down.
I can’t think about a other man in my life, and don’t think I need one yet, if ever. I’m lucky to have male workmates (and good friends at that, nothing else) who have the exact same sense of humour as me – we have such a laugh, that I could never have with him. That’s keeping me going. At the moment I don’t need anything else.
Escapee, I’m the same with questions etc. I just back off quickly. I just see red flags everywhere even though they might not actually be there. I’m not ready to trust anyone with my happiness. Maybe one day but not yet. Then I’ll be old & just need someone to top my gin up. 🤣
I’m blessed to have connected with you ladies, you’re my lifeline. I might not reply to everyone but I’m 💯% with you all. A nice big house with us all together would be great wouldn’t it? We’d put the world to right ❤️😘
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