Anxiety years after

[Distraught]

Hi all,

How do I stop the anxiety I still get. We have children together and it’s the only need for contact. Every message makes me feel sick inside. I have tried using a different person for messages but it didn’t work as I still needed to respond and they weren’t much help.

I know that what he says and what he does in many instances are different. But his threats still fill me with anxiety. Iv been so tired lately too. I assume from the stress he puts on me.

On another note, it’s been many years since our separation. I originally craved attention and fell in to another bad relationship. After that, I learned to be on my own and didn’t need a man. I set boundaries. However, lately I have met someone and although I had kept boundaries for a while I have allowed him to cross them. I know I need to get rid of this one too. There are times I know it’s not right. I shouldn’t of let my guard down with this one. Every week I tell myself I’m done with this one. Maybe I need to listen to myself. It’s not going anywhere and when I make plans with him he always says I will let you know. I suppose I know what I need to do.

[Lisa]

Hello Distraught,

I’m sorry to hear how distressing the ongoing contact you are having with your ex has been for you. It is incredibly difficult when it feels that there is no choice but to communicate with an abuser due to the fact you have children together.
Could it be an option to create a separate email account or phone number for him to use solely to communicate about contact? This way you can contain the communication from him and check it only when you feel in the right headspace to do so?

There are also contact centres that some women use as a neutral place to carry out handovers etc. You can find centres in your area online. https://naccc.org.uk/

It’s great that you are now able to recognise red flags in relationships and are considering choices based on your own wellbeing and mental health. Try not to be hard on yourself for the red flags you are recognising. Experiencing abuse can normalise this behaviour and it can be hard to break away from the abusive dynamic for good. Your acknowledgement of the warning signs and boundary crossing sound like huge steps forward.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Distraught]

Hi, thank you for the response. I will look in to using a different email or phone number.

[Anonymous]

Yep listen to your feelings and instincts about a person, the lines can get blurry sometimes when it comes to boundaries, when you’ve been in abuse for a while or it’s all you’ve ever known things can get really confusing, just spend some time working on your core values and putting yourself up as 1st best (and this new guy sounds like he wants all the control) maybe your still vulnerable? just cos your out doesn’t mean your ok (abuse changes us) also if your ex is still abusing you, you can get advice, if abusers think they can get away with carrying on their nonsense they will, if he’s threatening you report him, if the only thing he can talk to you about are the children he’ll probably mind game and use put downs (some abusers are sly + think their clever using passive aggression) you got family who can sort out arrangements and take his messages instead? might be worth getting a third party if he’s still causing problems.
💖💗💖

[Author]

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