Anxious and confused

[jsscollie]

I’d welcome some advice. It’s a bit of a long story. For the last (detail removed by moderator) years my salary has gone into my husbands bank account (we both work full time) and he managed all our outgoings since then, giving me money for travel and essentials. I used to be really bad with money before then, and afterwards would get either credit cards or payday loans but couldn’t make the repayments without my wages. When I said I’d like to feel as though I could by things for the house, or have a clue about outgoings and bills, or if we could have a joint account, I was told that I didn’t need to know those things and we never went without. He regularly used to track my location on my phone, and would look through emails on my ipad without telling me. He’s since admitted that he’s checked my internet history on the iPad too. When I told him that I was worried about the way he spoke to our eldest child, he shouted, then refused to discuss the matter. After several arguments, I took advice from a solicitor and asked them to write to him. He said that he only misspoke to our child because he was ill at the time, and that he was trying to protect me from worries about money by not telling me things. (detail removed by moderator). He begged me to stop the process with the solicitor and promised he would change. He asked me to get confirmation in writing from the solicitor but I haven’t done that. (detail removed by moderator) later he had too much to drink and complained that I don’t acknowledge him on social media. He believed that I’d told all my friends that I was leaving him, had made him out to be a tyrant and was trying to look like I was single. (detail removed by moderator). When I cried and asked him to leave me alone he refused, following me from room to room when I said I wanted to sleep because it was late. He banged doors and furniture, repeated ‘can I ask a question’ over and over and over again, and wouldn’t let me sleep on the sofa. At one point he got a knife out and said he’d cut himself if I left him. The following day he apologised and I didn’t want to accept his apology. He said I’d never given him any opportunity to change, and that noone went straight to a solicitor without talking to their partner first. When I said I’d had enough, he said he was going to commit suicide and had been thinking of it for a while. Then he apologised again and pleaded with me to reconsider saying he’d had too much to drink and it was a build up of tension. We got through the weekend and on (detail removed by moderator) I phoned Respect and asked their advice. After talking to them I texted him to say I couldn’t cope, and that I wanted to go ahead with the divorce, and what he did was abuse. When I got home, he said I had to leave if I wasn’t happy, that he’d done nothing wrong, and that I was clearly having an affair. He stated that the weekend was just emotional but falling out over bills and one time of him not being nice when he was ill wasn’t unreasonable behaviour. He’s also said I can’t leave with the children and he’s staying in our house. He’s said he read emails from me to my friends and that they’re trying to influence me, that I have no understanding of how I’ve made him feel, that I drove him to the behaviour (detail removed by moderator), and that I’m on self destruct because I’m on antidepressants (detail removed by moderator). I’m feeling as though I’m the worst person in the world with no leg to stand on. Has anyone else had a situation like this? I feel so alone.

[KIP.]

Please contact you local women’s aid. They can explain his tactics. Sounds exactly like my ex. Changing tactics to control the situation. He’s never ever going to be reasonable. He will twist, blame, threaten, beg, manipulate and leave you feeling exhausted. You cannot negotiate with an abuser. You need to get legal advice. Decide what you want and stick to it. He’s going nowhere. Can you rent somewhere meantime and let the lawyers deal with him. We all want an amicable respectful separation. This will never happen with an abuser. No way. Abusers are at their most dangerous when we try to leave them. Using a knife is threatening. If you could rent but don’t tell him. Move quietly with the kids?

[KIP.]

Ring the helpline on here too X

[jsscollie]

Thanks kip I will phone the helpline. I wasn’t sure if I could leave with the kids or if he could get me into trouble with the police.

He’s stated very calmly that he thinks I try and engineer situations to make him angry so I can record it as evidence – I wish that I’d been brave enough to call the police the night he was going off.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Sounds just like my ex too, particularly the following from room to room and not letting you sleep.

He is an abuser. If you’re leaving, take the children with you. The ladies on the helpline are amazing and will listen and advise. Go with your gut and don’t listen to what this man tells you is right or wring, truth or lies, what you can and cannot do and what you are or are not capable of. You know you, he know selfishness.

Is it possible to get a non molestation order and get him out of the house on account of his threatening behaviour, particularly with the knife? Your solicitor will be able to advise. Keep reaching out for support and you will be amaze

d who is there for you.

[Author]

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