Any advice on dealing with unpredictable (yet predictable) ex

[Fallingleaves]

I left my relationship with two very young children. My ex goes through cycles of being nice and then being really verbally abusive. This has happened for a while but recently he lost the plot with me again. He has threatened physical violence to me, my new partner, and has even threatened to kill me before. This time I nearly went to the police, and I did deal with it differently and I think I maybe shocked him with my confident response. The thing is he’s being perfectly nice now, hasn’t apologised, has just pretended it didn’t happen. I, of course, am just going along with it because I’m too scared to say anything else as I just desperately want a peaceful life!
We only communicate about the children. I just don’t know how I should be dealing with it. Is it ok just to go along with the niceness? What else can I do? I feel a bit like people don’t understand what I’m dealing with, although they are supportive when it’s happening. I feel pretty alone with it. I also make excuses for him all the time as I feel so guilty for leaving him and breaking up the family. I guess that’s normal? Sometimes I feel like I’m using his “abusive” episodes to justify why I left him. Or that I’m making up how he made me feel in the past. I feel really traumatised like I spent our whole relationship lying and walking on eggshells, but I felt so scared to leave him and also desperate for him to love me like I wanted him to. I started another relationship while I was with him, which I know is “wrong” and I feel so guilty, like I deserve the abuse I get because of what I did. I also miss him sometimes, although I’m not at all physically attracted to him, more like missing a family member I guess.
It all feels very trauma bonded (think that’s the buzzword these days) as my parents relationship and my relationships with them definitely led to the unhealthy relationship I chose for myself for so many years.
Sorry for the ramblings! Just wondering if there’s anyone else in a similar position or just feeling the same.
Thank you for reading

[Julka]

It is not OK to go along. He threatened your life. You must report it to the police. Be prepared that they won’t do much other than question him (unless you have witnesses / evidence), but even so this might no go any further. On this occassion.
But it will make him think.
And if he ever does it again there will be consequences.
You might be saving another woman’s life in the future by reporting it. (detail removed by Moderator)

All the other things you described I feel too. It’s a result of prolonged abuse. You are suffering from trauma bond and CPTSD. I hope you can get therapy. It’s not just going to fix iteself.

Sending you lots of hugs sweetheart xx

[Hopefulgreyrock]

I’m not in similar situation, in terms of having children. However, i know wht it feels like to be emotional tormented and to say and do things with the only worry about how he will respond. Mine never threatened physical violence. However he was very scary and looked like he could. With mine it was all verbal manipulation. However a few weeka ago i spoke to a girl he had been sleepijg with while he blocked me for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. She sais she had the same experience in such a short space of time. Shw said he was dangerous and aggressive. This urged me to call the police. I didn’t want them to contact him i just wanted it in the system that he was a dangerous man. Thaat he has mde me into a shell of a woman with emotional abuse. I did it incase he comes baack to try get me back again but also for his next victim. I felt better for doing it. Like i had taken action in some way. I tell you because they were very good with me the police. Very understanding of emotional abuse. I of course was petrified he would find out. They assures me repeatedly that they wouldn’t without my say so. It might make you feel like you have safety boundary in place maybe.

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