Any advice please ? partner won't go and stopped paying bills

[Apricotpoppy]

Hello I am new here and would appreciate advice please.
Awhile back the father of my two children assaulted me, he did this once before in the past. Since the second incident and going to WA I realised I have been abused on different levels for years and that he won’t change. He is refusing to pay the rent and bills so he can save money to leave. We are both on the tenancy but I can’t cover his share. There is a break clause coming up soon.
After he attacked me we left, but returned as he apologised and agreed to leave and get counselling. But he refuses to go. I did the online Freedom course and realise its a pattern. I also read about trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance. I discovered he abused his ex too.
I have to get the kids out, I try and shield them and create a good atmosphere but it is affecting them. I avoid him in the house but he continues with silent treatment, gives kids messages, lies about me, goes through my stuff and accuses me of hacking his social media accounts and threatens to get me charged. He attacked me during one of those rants. He used to accuse me of affairs but doesn’t do that since I refuse to be in a relationship anymore.
Occasionally he is ok, and shows interest in the boys but then wants to tell me his work problems as if I am still his loving partner.
The solicitor, GP and my WA worker advise me to leave. If I don’t take action my GP will refer to social services. I didn’t report the assaults or take photos so don’t have evidence for an Occupation order and the solicitor told me it is too low level to be harassment.Not been to police yet due to fear of repercussion but am wondering can they help me ? I told him if he attacks me again I will report- he replied I don’t care.
We need stability, I could just afford to rent a small flat as I am not entitled to public funds, there wouldn’t be enough money for activities and things for the kids. I considered getting students or Mon – Fri lodgers into our existing home as it is nice and spacious, and for safety say no guests allowed. The boys are a bit older so I feel this could work and we could afford the kids activities, a car, to socialize and save. All the simple things I can never seem to achieve in this draining situation. But I am unsure, I would have to change locks and improve security. I am getting immigration advice as he is on my visa as my partner. But if he has to leave the country the kids won’t have their Dad at all and won’t get financial support .
I have arranged for us to get out in the meantime and stay with a friend. Sometimes I feel he will kill me yet he has not said this directly. I am very cautious. Any advice or insights will be so appreciated as I know the women here understand what this is, and I really need some clarity. Thank you.

[Poodlepower]

My partner attacked me several times, after each time I said “next time I call the police.” I finally did, he was arrested, charged and given bail conditions that he doesn’t come near me or my home.
Could you take the same action I took?

[freedomtochoose]

I hate to sound like I am giving advice lovely. But if you have enough money. Please just do it and leave. With your kids.

You are resourceful and clever.

Even if the way looks difficult if you do the first step you will figure out the next one.

all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

and you will get support. And we are here for you
x

[Apricotpoppy]

Thanks Poodle power I will go to the Police and see what they could do, if you discuss it with them and decide not to do anything do they just go ahead or do you have a choice ? I think I better leave first.

Thank you for your advice Freedom to choose it is the right thing to do.

Since I stopped crying all the time I can see I am really overthinking. Going around in circles ! Also I am pretty stressed out trying to complete my degree as it is really hard to concentrate with everything going on. Living in the same house is not safe and I can’t get away from the negativity and the blaming and the minimising so it’s doing my head in. I just need a chance to start thinking clearly.
Also I keep remembering bad things that happened and then remembering all the good times and feeling very sorry for his bad childhood and still hoping he will get therapy. It is so hard to break free.
There always seems to be some reason to put off leaving- like birthdays, exams etc, or I get the false impression he is finally going to go.

I think I have to trust that just leaving and going step by step is the best way.

I have to make myself do it.

Thank you so much,
Apricot poppy.

[KIP.]

I think the indecision can be extremely stressful. I really think once you have made the decision to move you will feel much better. You are right to be very wary of him and I would not tell him you are moving out. Abusers never change. The abuse always gets worse. You’re right to learn as much as you can about abuse and how it affects us mentally. You have to take that leap of faith and have confidence everything will fall into place. There is so much help out there for you. Take all the help that is offered.

[Poodlepower]

In my experience, when you report to police it’s pretty much out of your hands…that’s what was needed though. Given the choice I probably would have given him limitless “last chances.” Or at least until he hurt me really badly or completely destroyed my mental health.

[Apricotpoppy]

Thank you for the advice KIP, I really appreciate it. I have been focusing on your words and the other wonderful women survivors to try and help me. I Know I can do this and override what is happening to me and leave.

Thank you Poodlepower for that information I think it is the best course of action even though I feel so reluctant.

I have been avoiding him but had a horrible conversation regarding his non payment of rent and bills which really affected me because it was filled with mind games, and it shocked me to see he actually does not seem to care at all. Does not care about the consequences to me and the kids. I guess I keep hoping to see a glimpse of the former loving family man. My friend said he is long gone.

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