Any advice would be welcome

[butterflyfree]

Hi ladies i haven’t been on here for a while. A brief summary of what I went through. Nearly (detail removed by Moderator) ago left abusive partner. Lost my home job money and my children cut contact with me.
On the positive ( really dont know how i found the strength from) I now have a lovely little flat and have employment and most importantly my children are back in my life.
This brings me to why I am feeling so down at the moment. Recently I started seeing an old friend and he made it clear he had romantic feelings for me. I didn’t go into to much detail of what I went through with him. He understood it was a pretty rough experience i went through and for me to have a relationship with him needed to be very slow. Within a few weeks he was what I know feel ‘ love bombing ‘ me. Even talking about marriage. I panicked and felt overwhelmed and asked him to slow down. Comments started which started to cause me concern. Like my dress in to short. Wanting to come to home at really silly times and texting me constantly. I have finished the relationship (detail removed by Moderator) as he has freaked me out. Has anyone any advice? I worried I can never have another relationship due to previous domestic abuse or I need more time to heal. Thank you for reading ladies x x

[Velveteenbun]

I know how you feel. I am in my first serious relationship since I split with my ex. Our relationship is moving very slowly and he has proven he isn’t anything like my ex. However any slivht display of jealousy and my defenses gl up and thd rrd flagscome out.
I would say those comments are red flags. Personally I would proceed very cautiously. it dependsn the situation. For example if my dress was inappropriate for a particular occasion I would expect my partner to say something but my ex refused to let me wear a particular dress out without him because he said it was a pulling dress. It was approriate for an xmas night out with friends it was his jealousy that was the problem. Does that make sense

[butterflyfree]

Aww thank you for your message. Makes me feel like I done the right thing in calling the new relationship off. Definitely after going through domestic abuse it makes you very aware of red flag behaviour very quickly. At first I was maybe I am being over sensitive. Then thinking no I not. As new relationship bf was showing very demanding behaviour and I just got the awful gut feeling of this is not right. Thanks again for your message and i am really pleased to hear a new relationship can work x x

[Velveteenbun]

I think you have done right. My idas worker keeps telling me to listen to my gut feelings. So if your gut is telling you something it is probably true.
Making any kind of demands on you or your time is not normal or healthy behaviour. It is taking me a while to realise this but people who love and care about you do not place demands or conditions on you. They do not try and control you. They do not exhibit excessive irrational jealousyand they treat you like an equal. They respect you and your wishes. My ex has zero respect for me I doubt he ever has done.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Your right to be on guard, i would be the same, and it signs like that are the red flags, i ignored them in my relationship and that went really wrong, u did good to end it, always trust your feelings and walk away

[butterflyfree]

Hi confused 123
Thanks for your message. I was feeling so low this morning and coming on here has really helped today.
I was exactly the same with ignoring red fflags in previous relationship. Much to my reget and also I think I was not aware of the signs of domestic abuse. It took alot of other people telling me the relationship was so wrong ( friends and family) . Thank god I listened in the end and left. Walking away is the road to recovery, very tough at times. At the end of it you become a much stronger person. Even though I didn’t feel that way this morning. Once again thanks for your message x x

[KIP.]

Hi there i just wanted to say you did a really positive thing. You recognised the signs and you took action. It shows your self esteem and confidence are returning and you took back control of your life. We all deserve to feel comfortable in any relationship. Take some time to enjoy being single. Find new hobbies and interests. Expand your own life and only allow someone into your life who deserves to be there.

[Ayanna]

It seems you did the right thing dumping him.
Of course you will be able to have another relationship.
But gladly you recognise abusive men now and kick them out before they can damage you.
That is a major achievement for your life amongst all the other amazing things you achieved after getting away from the abuser.
(detail removed by moderator)
Be prepared to be single for a while. Keep your critical hat on and always put yourself first. x*x

[Lilycat]

Hi Butterfly Free,

You were very sensible to take note of red flags. You were not being paranoid.

As we recover from abuse some people do notice our vulnerability, even if it is not very obvious, and are attracted to us so that they can act like a hero. This seems to be the case for suitors who are emotionally needy.

Recovery is a time of self-healing and re-establishing boundaries; and that means being respectful to ourselves and maintaining objectivity. It also means telling ourselves that we deserve nothing less than the best. A good man would know that that means ‘space’.

Well done. You are a courageous individual.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat xx

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