Any boundary makes him angry

[pebble1]

Sorry if this posts twice, I think I just lost the first version. Here goes again — basically my ex (divorced) is here from overseas after a while. He wants everything to be the same – is angry that I said you can’t come over cos I’m working. He is very angry that I put his stuff (lots of it, big bulky things) in storage.

I’m moving and also don’t want it anyway as last time he spent a month coming and going sorting it out but not actually sorting it! Has kept his (detail removed by Moderator) here too. The house is mine in the divorce, he infers all the time he ‘gave’ it to me etc.

The speed he gets angry is concerning. Told kids I was evil and was going to burn the rest of my stuff that is in his place. I asked him (detail removed by Moderator) to pay for the storage after (detail removed by Moderator) if he still needs it, got very angry. He hasn’t paid in for the kids (detail removed by Moderator). said if I was having money troubles why did I get a storage unit.

Is also trying to re-write what happened, denying to kids he had an affair, saying why can’t we still be a family i.e. he wants to see my side of the family and gets annoyed I don’t want him to. He wants everything back how it was when he visits, which is rarely. Splays on the sofa, cuddles the dog and says things like ‘your father’s back’ to it.

For context, long marriage, shouted and belittled, me and kids, got worse as years went by. He seems detached from reality of what he did, is doing. His way or the highway, instantly very angry when I set a boundary. Just rang the bell and walked in (detail removed by Moderator), I am letting him as scared not to. One of kids (young adult) also going back with him for a visit when he leaves. He needs to respect my space and take his stuff but he is using it to feel at home here and like nothing has changed. Do I put my foot down and not pay for the unit? Not let him in the house? I can’t as the kids get affected as he gets so angry, so I have to roll over.

[Lisa]

Hi Pebble1,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

What you described sounds really oppressive to live with- you have a right to set boundaries and to feel safe in your own space. He is choosing to behave in this way and must be having a negative impact on the children as well.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[StrongLife]

I understand this. For me setting a boundary led to bad abuse. Not sure why – it was a while ago but you are not alone in this.

[Author]

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