Any tips on feeling positive please?

[anotherlife]

I hate the situation I am in. It’s not as bad as for many I know but the last few years have just got worse and the spaces between the bad episodes are getting shorter. We’re in a lul at the moment but my husband was horrible to my daughter again the other day and as usual, tried to justify himself by blaming her. I see right through everything he does. I could go on and on.
I have no feelings or respect for him anymore. I don’t like him at all. He doesn’t realise though and while it’s reasonably peaceful, I’m trying to get my head around everything and try to plan in my head. But I have no job or income and feel tied, but I’m not going to let this tie me to him forever.
I just want to be able to look forward somehow. I know my son won’t quite understand when it happens but my daughter will I hope and my son is lovely so I hope he gets it once I have spoken to him.
I want to be able to make a list of things to look forward to, or things I need or need to do, but I’m scared he’ll find it one day. I feel like I want to start a little box of things that I can put in our new place, even though it may be years away. It would help so much.
What have any of you done to try to give you a little hope when the end seems too far away and too scary or difficult to think about? I want t talk to someone but it’s school holidays and the kids are with me all the time. I’m feeling teary today but luckily my husband is working away and I don’t have to see him tonight. Even though I can see how much he’s changed over the years and don’t want to go back, I still find it hard to understand how the man I met could turn into this opinionated man, full of his own ideas, who talks over others, interrupts them, monopolises every conversation, never listens to others’ opinions, bullies his wife and children, pressures his wife, makes her anxious and like she’s walking on eggshells, blames everyone else for anything that goes wrong, uses his size to intimidate us, the list goes on.
Sorry for the great long moan, I know so many of you are having worse times at the moment. I just feel upset and lonely in this

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Anotherlife,
I can empathise with what you’re going through. I’ve been at the stage you’re at for years. It’s tough, but much worse when you’re isolated and have no one to talk to about all the things you’ve been dealing with. So well done for posting on here.
Have you tried phoning the helplines and getting in touch with your local Women’s aid group? They have been a God send for me. They are so supportive and helpful.
The box you mentioned to start collecting things for the new place, are you talking about for an emergency escape like important documents, money changes of clothes etc or were you thinking about setting up for your new home like a bottom drawer?
Either is a good idea. Have you got somewhere safe you can store it like at a friend’s house or relatives?
Regarding tips for staying positive and strong, I can share some things I do, something might help:
I have a little collection of items where I sit which bring me comfort like a photo of my Dad- I promised him when he was dying that if things got too bad I would leave, when my courage is failing his smiling face reminds me of that promise and gives me strength, courage and determination. I keep lavender essential oil on my little table to relax me when he is stressing me out or upsets me. I also keep a book, word puzzles and my knitting under the table to distract me, keep me calm etc and a note book to write in when I need to jot things down, get my thoughts straight or remind myself etc. I also write stories about my life but with happy endings, ways to escape, what my life could be like etc

Other things which help me stay strong and positive:-
I meet up with my Mum once a week for lunch, sometimes a bit of shopping etc. I’d lost touch with all my family and friends because of him and not wanting to let them see how low I felt
Building positive relationships with family and friends is very helpful and supportive .
I listen to music when I’m feeling low. I prefer CD’s so that I can control what I’m listening to. Audio books are also great for this.
Chatting to friends on Facebook and keeping in touch and seeing what’s happening with them is a positive distraction, gives my brain a break from the stress of my life.
Going for a little walk (when it isn’t raining!) lol!
Googling abuse and divorce, ways of coping and building my self confidence and self respect, making notes of things I think might help and practicing them.
Looking after myself, taking time off to do things for me, moisturising or putting a bit of makeup on to boost my mood or confidence, having a soak in a hot bath or using hot packs and massage when my joints are hurting etc
Basically anything which could help lift your mood, give you hope, something you enjoy doing or inspires you etc. The most important thing is to make time each day to do something to improve your life in some way. I was so busy trying to survive and look after my family that I was totally neglecting myself. A counsellor pointed this out to me and would ask each week what I’d done for myself, what I was going to do that day, that week etc. It was a huge benefit to me, improved my physical and mental health and made me feel stronger and less helpless. I started setting myself little goals and ticked them off as I achieved them. When I was very low they might be as simple as giving myself permission to take the day off. Have a nap to catch up on sleep and clean my teeth after eating something healthy.
On good days I would set myself more challenging goals like ringing Citizens advice to ask for advice or making an appointment to speak to Women’s aid and start putting a safe plan together to escape, speaking to a lawyer about my options etc. It’s taken time, but now I’m in the process of divorcing my husband after decades of feeling trapped and helpless I’m finally getting out. For the first time in decades I’m looking forward to the future. I’m scared to death half the time and worry myself senseless, but still. I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!
I hope you find something useful in this lot and wish you luck and courage for your journey into your bright new future ❤️

[lover of no contact]

Hi anotherlife,

You are moving on mentally from the abusive relationship, its just the physical parts left now the being financially self-supporting which is a biggie but you’ll get there. Hope. Love and fear keeps the cycle of abuse going. The hope (that things will improve) has died. The love for him he has killed by his nasty and cruel behaviour. That leaves only fear. That you can deal with on here. And the practical changes like getting a job and an income.

The ideas of starting ‘a box to put things in for your new place without him’ is a great idea. Another positive action I used to take was to start to declutter my clothes, books, paperwork, ornaments (and bits and pieces) and photographs and just keep those that ‘sparked joy’ ( google Marie Kondo method). This became part of my plan to leave. I decided each day to take one small action towards my plan to leave. So decluttering and posting/reading the posts on any given day even if I did nothing else felt like I was still doing something towards leaving my abusive relationship. Then as Freedom says on days where I had more energy or headspace I could take the action of looking for jobs even if it was just to devote an hour to a google search. The main thing was to take the action..any action. I reckoned the small daily actions would add up. That’s 365 daily small actions that would add to my leaving plan and job with an income.

Also I agree the self-care is important. What helped me was daily walks outside in nature. That kept me physically fit, time for me where I was not overworking in the home, passing people so kept a connection to the outside world and helped me connect with ME, so away from his verbals, his nasty/nice tactics, the effects him on the children etc.

Could you write the list of things you have to do in code for example. I have to drain my brain a lot due to an excess of thoughts swirling around (usually triggered by other people’s behaviour) but I hate the thought of others reading my journaling if anything happened to me (they would think my ex was right -she really was craaazy!)lol. So I’ve taken to write some things in code or initials so that only I know. I find writing down very powerful. What I do is write as soon as I wake up, for 15 mins (3 pages) on any thoughts in my head. I find this is great for draining my brain and keeps me taking actions to move forward with my life. You could pop into the bathroom to do it as soon as you wake up so as to be away from him.

Hope that helps, thanks for your post.

[anotherlife]

Thank you so much ladies. Just a quick reply today. I had a bit of a clear out of clothes yesterday and a few other bits, it made me want to just keep going! Made me feel a bit better. I’ve also started writing down the issues that have happened and dated the recent ones – to get them out of my head a bit and for if / when I need to report anything. Once I started, I couldn’t stop! I’ve ensured it is hidden very well for now and I know he’s not suspicious of anything. I’ve also searched on line a bit. One step at a time.
It’s a lul at the moment but I know it’ll only be a matter of weeks until another go. I’ve realised that my comfort eating and feeling so low aren’t really down to my health issues, the eating thing is definitely triggered by him, even when he’s away with work, I feel relieved that he’s gone but then nervous days before he returns and just eat rubbish all evening. I’ve looked at photos of when I was happier and the weight has only been piling on the last 2 years. I just feel so trapped.
Anyway, thank you both. I’ll look at the other suggestions some other time and am some free getting solicitor advice soon x

[anotherlife]

PS when I was searching online last night, I found a newspaper article from the Guardian written a few years ago. It was like reading about my life and I could hardly believe it. If only I had looked more closely at my life years ago, I could just hardly believe it. I know it’s all wrong but I just put up with it. I have more physical health / pain issues than I had years ago but I still feel more adamant that I will not put up with this forever.
I thank my lucky stars for this site and for all of you!

[Author]

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