Anybody else feel guilt?

[nbumblebee]

Me again sorry.
Kids are off next week and i had a week planned flr me and my small ish person but hubby wants to go (detail removed by moderator) so am now having to re arrange my plans thats fine, my lad will love it and will have a great day but I know i will have to Thank hubby and keep him happy so he doesnt let our boy down. I feel so guilty for feeling cross and scared at having a day out. I should be happy and grateful right? I dont remember in the past worrying and wishing we werent going why am I now?I feel so full of guilt why cant I just go and enjoy the day? Anybody else dread days out?

[iliketea]

Yep, always used to, they were always THE worst days ever, all the anticipation, all the hope, just squashed. Holidays, birthdays too, oh and the last two Christmases…whoah…THE worst. The last holiday abroad we went on I swore quietly to myself i would never do it again, and I didn’t, it was still a long while until I left and even a long time until I realised it was abuse, but something inside me just went, nah, not doing this anymore. As I was the one who always planned them it wasn’t that hard to get out of that one! So in answer to your question, you can’t go and enjoy the day because he’ll probably sabotage it in some way, or even if its not overt, you won’t feel relaxed because you think it might be coming. Dont feel guilty about it. What you’re feeling is TOTALLY normal. I used to just keep my head down, enjoy it for my child, listen to the waves, the sounds all around me, savour an ice-cream, make loads of breaks to the ladies for time alone, try not to get into “anything” with him, and then dream and plan my escape and imagine what it would be like if he wasn’t there. Stay strong. xx

[nbumblebee]

@iliketea Thank you so very much for your reply, I really appreciate it. All this takes some getting your head round doesnt it? Not sure im there yet!! Its the fact that i have to say thank you in a way i dont want to but I do because if i dont he gets grumpy and nasty and life is miserable. Its easier to just give in and do what he wants. God I sound so weak dont I?
Sorry. Sending you hugs x

[Catjam]

No you don’t sound weak at all. I used to be exactly the same. He used to say that Sunday’s were family days unless of course he got a better offer.
We did have good days out but I could never relax and just enjoy in case anything set his mood off. It was so much better if he got a better offer and left us to it. Especially if the kids wanted to stay home to be out and about with their mates.
But don’t think you are weak, we do what we do to survive and protect our children. I realised one day I was actually a stronger person than him.
Believe in yourself, honestly there will come a time when you sit back and decide you have had enough.
Take care x

[nbumblebee]

Hey Thanks all. So a little update. (detail removed by moderator) we went out he was horrible accusing me again of having an affair and was flitting between being nasty and ignoring me. I couldnt sleep so was exhausted when we left to go (detail removed by moderator) for the day. Everything was my fault it was hot busy and he hates my car that he chise to drive. I took my parents too and as always in front of them he was amazing. Kids had the best day though. We got home he was nice as well he wanted thanking!! Today he is still off work i went (detail removed by moderator) as i asked he said yes and well he is now in a mood as i went and he was bored so again its the silent treatment. Im done. I hate this life so much i feel crazy all the time and sad so very sad but what can i do Im stuck here with him with this life and that is just I dont even have words Its all just rotten.

[Lisa]

Hi nbumblebee,

Just to show you some support with all this it’s completely understandable you’re feeling so exhausted by it all. His behaviour towards you must be so confusing for you and leave you questioning yourself all the time. This is why so many women in abusive relationships feel the emotional abuse side to everything is so damaging; because it’s so draining having to second guess everything and always walking on eggshells in an attempt to not upset the other person.

But this really isn’t anything you’re doing or saying wrong; perpetrators will often move the goalposts, so you could say and do everything right and there would still be something to pick at.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low at the moment though. If you did want to talk through any practical options then do contact a support worker via the chat, and do keep posting on here to let us know how you’re getting on.

Lisa

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