4th February 2016 at 11:16 am #9014
Has anyone else got agoraphobia or monophobia a dreadful phobia of being alone. Or any other disability that keeps them dependant on the abuser. Its so hard to cope an im isolated as well, just wish I could get a friend or two who suffer DV in my area.
He even use the monophobia and walks out when he gets angry or wants to “punish me “, he works from home has done for (removed by moderator) years and in better times he seemed to be supportive but he is now throwing it all in my face saying he has been trapped with me for (removed by moderator) years and that my phobias are abuse to control, him. He got his own business when he gave up work his ex Company set him up and he has it good, no travelling his own Boss, much better standard of living, but as his work has dropped off bit last year, he is now blaming me, yet he likes working on his own, being his own boss. it really hurtful as ive suffered for (removed by moderator) with agoraphobia, I do all i can can to get out an we have got away not too far but some holidays, yet now he is being so nasty about it all.
Over the years some people have tried to indicate that he is abusive due to my disabilities, but I know that there signs there alebit I didnt see at the time way before my phobias stared and before we were even married, in fact his abuse has made me much worse and isolated me
He suddenly nastily chucked at me (detail removed by moderator) , its hard of me ot go out in daylight with my agoraphobia have done it before if he needed to go anywhere, but im a wreck now after (removed by moderator) of ongoing abuse and ive really woken up in shock to how long and bad its been.
He wa so nasty telling me and said I cant go with him, im the last person he would want to go with him, but I have to go as I cant stay alone.
I really don’t feel anything about the fact it may be (removed by moderator) , no feelings to him at all, because he has killed my feelings with his cruelty and abuse, yet I feel bad about being dead to him. He belittle me and minimises and scoffs at the things i have done to support him in many ways despite how he treats me I am numb to him and a lot of other things as im getting bad days where i cant cope with much , lost a lot of interest in myself as well, he has pushed me so far down. I feel resentful that I have to go through so much to go to (removed by moderator) after what he has done to me in making me so much worse over the past (removed by moderator) , its hard enough as it is and he does’nt care a hoot, i missed to very much important (health condition removed by moderator) checks in the past (removed by moderator) due to what he is doing to me, yet he feels his health is the only one important in it all.
Sorry for rambling on but i have ha no to talk to about it all, i know it may be hard of for some to understand the agoraphobia and monophobia but thy are very very real disabilities that are debilitating
Just feel gutted how nasty he is being over it an he knows how hard his is for me to cope with with my disabilites, yet all he acres about is himself. He says I use him yet he has made all of my disabilities so much worse, I have got to the point of really waking up to what he is doing to me and I am standing up to him and he dost like it ,and Ive told him i would leave if i could this has all escalated his abuse and cruelty to me towards me.
He keeps on that we have had some good times last year, yet he fails to see what he is doing to me , even his indifferance and coldness towards me in so called better times, which never last. I cant leave but just need some moral support
4th February 2016 at 3:19 pm #9027AyannaParticipant
Can you talk to social services and your GP whether there are other options for you apart from living with an abuser? If I were in your situation I would move into a nursing home, no joke. Better than being abused all the time. x*x
4th February 2016 at 4:18 pm #9029
Hi Ayanna, Spoke to GP last week, he isn’t really that interested but he has reffered me to community mental health team , awaiting a call form them. Also waiting Social Services to call me, it seems to take forever, they dont phone you when they say they will and when you feel so wrecked and exhausted its hard waiting for these poeple, I know they are busy. My anxity is such that my home is my safety so to speak with the agoraphobia, I think I may have trauma, bonding as well, i feel so so lonely now after (removed by moderator) of horrible abusiue behavior yet yearn for him to give me a hug and things to be better, i know that sounds crazy , so hoping to get some support to get stronger in myself. x
4th February 2016 at 7:23 pm #9044SerenityParticipant
I tried to reply to your other post where you replied to me, but it wouldn’t load up.
I fully understand the apparent lack of choice you feel in leaving, due to your agoraphobics and monophonia.
When my ex walked out ( I think to frighten me- but he made me think he was serious ) I had a complete emotional breakdown. I experienced what you describe as agoraphobia and monophonia, big time. I am not out of the woods yet.
I was diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD.
For me, these extreme reactions occurred when he walked out.
However, I realise now that I was suffering some of these symptoms for many years whilst being with him. But majorly, I was dig owed with a long term chronic illness, which I still have and attribute to being with him.
In my research about my experience of DV etc, I have learned that there is something called C-PTSD. This is long term, drawn out, long term PTSD, which comes from being in a captive and abusive situation. I believe I suffered PTSD in childhood too- which made me susceptible in adulthood.
What I am saying is, your health and your condition won’t improve by being with him. By being with him, you are preventing your ability to improve. I am sure he knows this: he knows he has you captured in his horrible web.
I really believe your hope for recovery and happiness lies in going for counselling and, indeed, DV counselling, where you name your partner as your a user, so you can work out a strategy to improve your health and get out.
Also, have you looked up DBT? Dialectical behavioural therapy? It is often used for those with borderline personality disorder, but is useful to those who are affected by trauma. Even googling it and putting tips into practice might help you gain equilibrium.
Best wishes x
4th February 2016 at 11:43 pm #9064
Thankyou for sharing that Serenity, I will look both of those things up, I know he has made my health much worse , Ive never really had help or spoke about it , just coming on her and reading other peoples experiences helps me to stay more balanced and informed xx
5th February 2016 at 10:20 am #9074
Serenity, have looked those two things up and its given me great insight, I also had a lot of childhood trauma, My dad was abusive, so came into this relationship already traumatised it seems, I have suffered the aorahobia for 40 years an had every kind of treatment that the NHS offer then monophobia for 25 years, but never any help at all for DV, so wil take some getting out of , but you have given me very good insight and hopefully with councelling and DV suoport , I will start to unravel this mess im in, im pretty new on her, so not familair wiht yir story, did you have any support with your agoraphobia and monophobia, did you have children at home, its hard for me as no family support or friends.
5th February 2016 at 7:23 pm #9115SerenityParticipant
Well, when he walked out, I experienced such overwhelming agoraphobia and- as you call it- mono phobia ( I’d never heard that term before- but I sure did have it!) that I knew this must be a traumatic response or syndrome, and so went to my doctor, DV support and researched, and realised it was PTSD of sorts.
My GP put me on Citalopram and I also take Propanalol when I feel particularly panicky ( normally when he is doing something drastic to try to affect me or the kids).
But I also heard- from this forum- about Eye Movement Therapy and its effectiveness and DBT etc. I try to practice DBT even when lying in bed.
I also try to take 1.5 as long to do things ( that is, give myself time plus a half to do things ) so I can move peacefully and slowly, not manically. In this way, even washing-up can become meditative!
I am also careful to self-pamper a bit ( I didn’t for years ) and to do some exercise. Sometimes, when panicky, I need to focus on slow and deep breathing. I chant mantras to myself, encouraging words.
But a lot of help was gained from talking it out, both with counsellors and professional support and other women who had experienced cruel and controlling relationships.
I attended a Pattern Changing course with 12 other women, which was amazing. I am still in touch with a few of these ladies.
Interestingly, 3-4 years before my marriage ended, I felt depressed and edgy. I had never spoken to anyone about the different elements of abuse in my childhood, but I must have felt abused ( or still affected by my past ) because I didn’t do to an ordinary counsellor, but asked to attend sessions with a DV counselling charity.
In these sessions, I didn’t even mention my husband. Or in fact, I did once, but this particular counsellor didn’t pick up on him as an abuser. Instead, we focused upon my childhood experiences.
You see, I couldn’t even see how abusive my husband was. He made me feel it was all my fault. Or that his horrible episodes should be excused.
Yes, I do have children- two. They lived with it and know how awful he was. My eldest can see through it but keeps hoping his dad will change, and my ex is currently spoiling in youngest to try and gain control. I need to try to appear calm in front of them, and strong – or else they will feel scared, or they may even be encouraged by my ex to use this to abuse me, so I need to feign strength.
Though, it is no bad thing they saw me badly affected. That is real life. They need to learn people have feelings. I hope that I have managed to model how to gain strength and overcome incredible trauma. They know I got all manner of support.
Getting outside help diluted the intensity of the abusive situation within the family. I was strengthened by getting outside help; my kids knew I could call on help if things weren’t calm at home; and maybe my ex was even scared by the fact I got outside help ( a women’s aid worker even came with me to court the first time).
I think getting counselling which took account both of my difficult childhood and my abusive marriage, talking it out with those who understood, getting advice from experienced DV workers and coming on to this forum got me through so much.
If my PTSD had got worse, or not improved at all, I would have maybe gone for eye movement therapy.
When my abusive husband dumped us, I was so panicky I couldn’t enter a big supermarket for months. I got panicky being outside of my home. I wore the same woolly coat, zipped up, every day all day as a comfort thing, and to stop me feeling exposed ; I could r even open a bag of peas, my hands used to tremble so much; I vomited every morning; I needed to be with friends, chatting, hating being alone…
So I know a bit of what you are experiencing.
I am just concerned that our abusers know what triggers us, trigger us on purpose and then blame you for the state we are in. They are that conniving x
5th February 2016 at 9:46 pm #9132
Thankyou so much for sharing al of that Serenity, I am going to get all the help I can, just waiting for people to get back to me, I have an hour per week my phone with womens aid and have two ladies coming out next week who are DV trained to see how they can support me. I was looking at eye movement therapy last night on line alongside the other things you mentioned, im just so unsure what is caused by my childhood and what is made worse by him, but I hope soem sort of councelling will help me be able to look at at all, Ive had some councelling in all the years Ive suffered but never re his abuse, just wish my children were still at home or had some family support, should have looked at it years ago but didnt even realise it was DV, you take care, you have been very strong , it heartbreaking to hear other Womens stories on here but it helps that we all understand it xx
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